lost and confused

hi, not really sure why im doing this but then everything is strange and sureal at the moment.here goes... to put you in the picture I ran a small printing business for 20 years which unfortunately ran into trouble and had to close in August 2006. This resulted in me declaring personal bankruptcy. At the age of 60 i found it impossible to get employment and started work as a self employed sales person selloing promotional goods, my spare timeon writing training course which i hope to sell on the internet. My wife found a job doing admin in a local electrical rewinds company. I became suspicious that something was not right when her attitude towards me became cold and hostile, at this point i should tell you that we have been married for 38 years and i loved her so much, she was i though my soulmate. the suspicions grew as she came home later and later, then going for drinks after work and coming home very late.eventually it became too much for me and i challenged her on my suspicions, i could tell by her eyes and her body language that she was lying when she said nothing was going on. Rightly or wrongly I checked her mobile phone and found messages from her boss which could not be denied. She told me they were 'just good friends' and nothing had happened. 3 months (April this year) I found papers in her draw in our bedroom where, for some totally bizzare reason, she had writen down dates, hotels, times and all her feelings about him. I confronted her with what i had found and she finally admitted she had been sleeping with him since November last year. my shock and pain was indescribable. i was in an dark place for some days after until i could bare it no more and went to the doctors. i am now on anti depressants and having councelling. today i feel stronger and the continual breaking down has passed. I am now trying to deal with acceptance and more practical issues. We have mutually agreed separation between us but an impossible twist of fate to deal with. neither of us can afford to live on our own and the house is £20k in negative equity. this basically means we are attempting to live together but as a separated couple. this is so very hard to do when you have been married for so many years. Her lover is married and his wife doesn't know of their affair, he has told my wife that he would not leave his wife for her, yet she still wont give him up. she has also told me that even if he was not in the picture she still doesn't want to be with me. I told her I want a divorce and will name him as the co-respondant. they have destroyed my life, why shouldn't he stand up and accept resonsibility for his actions. Of course I feel sorry for his wife but but she has a right to know. I will tell him he should tell his wife himself before i issue proceeding. my life is in ruins, without my children and grandchildren there would be nothing to live for. thank god for them and thank god for some very dear friends who have helped me keep it together. I invite all your comments good or bad,it will all help me to focus on my future... whats left of it. thank you for listening.

Hi there, this is a difficult one to answer and so sorry for what has happened to you. All we can do is support you and listen. You should pop into chat if you havent already as there are an awful lot of people here in the same situation.

Its also very unfortunate that you are having to live together because the house is in negative equity. Could you maybe get away for a break on your own or go and stay with some friends or family and have some me time. It sounds like her lover is enjoying his cake and eating it. This relationship may just fizzle out but could you accept your wife back after what she has done to you.

Take care and big hugs.

Saffy xxx

Trader

Welcome to Wiki. I am sorry you find yourself here.

It is a terrible situation when the person that you loved and cherished for years goes off with someone else, but unfortunately it does happen, and usually it is final. At the start you may think they will change their mind, but it very rarely happens.

So now you face the moving on and getting on with your life stage. It is not easy but it can be done. The best advice I can give for now is to take one day at a time, try to avoid worrying about the long term future as it is too murky. Try to do do new things and meet new people, in this way you build up memories that you can think about instead of feeling sad about your marriage. Remember divorce is an emotional rollercoaster, and you will have ups and downs.

As to the divorce, divorcing on the grounds of adultery does require the respondent to agree, otherwise proving adultery is very difficult. I can understand your desire to name him as the co-respondent, it is your decision at the end of the day, you just need to ask yourself whether you want to focus on the revenge side of things or whether you want to move on with your life....Only you can decide that.

I would recommend you use this site as I found it very helpful and supportive for my divorce. You will find the people here will help you when you are feeling down, and give good advice on financial and other matters.

All the best

S

Thank you Saffy, you're right about taking a break and I will see if one of my friends can perhaps put me up for a week or two. I will try the chat room, not very very familiar with them but will give it a try. thank you for responding to my intro TraderCol

Thank you S
I will think hard about your comments.
do you not think that the notes she had written and her admission is not proof enough then? surely i dont have to stay trapped in a bad marriage simply if she says no to protect him?

Trader

Sorry to be blunt, but for adultery proof of the act is required. If the notes simply talk about her spending time in a hotel someone that is not proof of adultery. Most people go for unreasonable behaviour as once you have decided to divorce getting on with the divorce is the main thing.

If she agrees to adultery that is one thing, but she may not agree to adultery if the petition names him.

S

I am sorry to hear about your situation - all too common I'm afraid. It may be easier to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour,naming one of the reasons as her adultery - this is easier and you don't have to prove anything.

Unfortunately, yes, it is usual for the person having the affair to fail to face up to their behaviour and their responsibilities, denying everything and anything. It is difficult, but do try and avoid getting in tit for tat converstions which will do nothing but hurt you and serve to 'prove' to her that she had good reason to do what she did. Back off, protect yourself - emotionally, financially and legally. There is a huge amount of support and experience on this website which will help guide you through the difficult days ahead.

Suffice to say, with a bit of time, things do get better. I am 6 months in, still facing total and utter....you know the word from my stbx on a daily basis but I no longer care. I am amazed at the thickness of my skin and deafness of my ears at times! That's not to say he doesn't still have the capability to hurt me - he does, very much so - but is it is far less important than it was.

Take care of yourself. Get out and about. Find new hobbies, make new friends - it is not as hard as you might think. Keep your head held high - you have done nothing wrong. Look forwards, never backwards. Finally, chat on here is very, very useful - remember that everyone in chat is someone like you, making friends, ranting about their situations, being listened to, being supported.