Looking for answers

Hi Confused

Welcome to Wiki. Sorry that you are here at the moment but read a few of the people's threads who have been here longer (eg marshy) and you will discover that things get better.

I had a similar situation to yours but no where near as long as a marriage (thank god I think now) and yes the person who my extb did start with an emotional attachment and then used the situation to their own ends.

In answer to some of your questions in your original I would say no do not write a letter to her surgery, it won't achieve anything and you will not gain anything from it. All that will do is merely push her further.

In response to your main question though and that is in the title of your post, sorry you won't get answers. I've not seen a single person here get a straight forward answer as to why. It just doesn't happen. Even now some 20 months into our separation I am no better off in terms of my knowledge of what happened between her and the other man sure I have an idea but nothing that I could stick a flag on. In short though do you really need it? Many people (myself included) really struggle with getting the answer when really do you need to know the fact of the matter is that your wife at present has decided that she wants to end the marriage (brutal I know but that is the honest truth) and that she may look back in regret one day and you may find that out but by that point you may have moved on and not wanted her back.

In short therefore dont loook for answers now or indeed in the future you won't get them and do they really matter just concentrate on yourself for now

Good luck I wish you all the best

Thanks so much for all the replies, it really does help to get things out there and talk. I totally agree that if she had come out and said she was so unhappy earlier then maybe things would be different . .

I am trying to keep things as amicable as possible at the moment. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was sit down with her and tell the children that we were breaking up . . . but I believe it was important to tell them that in no way was it their fault but equally that there was nothing they could do to improve the situation. They were both so upset, never saw it coming at all . . . but they seem outwardly coping very well. We are still all living in the same house so I dont think it has properly sunk in yet . .

I have suggested taking over the whole mortgage so that wife can rent somewhere for say 6mo to give us both time to take stock, and the children to get used to the idea of their parents living apart. She says that is a waste of money and wants to buy somewhere.

I cannot afford to buy her out entirely but could release a sizeable amount of equity for her as a deposit. My thinking is to keep the family home meantime for the stability for the children, and then look to sell in 5 years or so when they leave school . . . She thinks this is unreasonable as it keeps her money tied up for all this time and means she cant get the size of house she wants now . . . am I being unfair?? She wants the house put on the market and sold asap . . . not a great time to sell and may not be easy anyway . .

We both have pensions, I am a self employed professional partner with share of the business. She works for the business as an employee in different premises . . . and still wants to continue this post divorce . . . its just a complete nightmare.

I have done so much soul searching over the last few weeks, but do now believe the marriage is over, and see no point in defending a divorce . . . but i'm nowhere near as far down the road as she is, looking at property etc. I can't even contemplate selling our dream house at the moment . . .

confused,

This is all very sad for you and the children. The thing is she has probably been thinking about all this for a long time and so is much further down the road than you are.

There is no rush to sort the finances out ... take your time to find out more about what a fair financial settlement would be. There is lots of information in the library, you can try the wiki calculator - or ask wikipeeps to help you out if you can supply some financial information. Whatever you do, don't agree to anything while you are upset ... finances need to be handled without emotion if you can manage it.

Hadenoughnow

You should stay in your house. I have decided that I will not sell or move out given that my initiated the affair - therefore she must suffer the consequences. Also, my two boy's have made it very clear that they also wish to stay in the family home.

I have got myself an excellent lawyer (you should do likewise) and her advice is to sort out two matters quickly:

1. Savings and current accounts. I have frozen the savings account.
2. Contact arrangements but at the boy's wishes.

I plan to sit tight until the boy's are 18 and then I will consider what to do with the house.

Brunswick.

Confused

Important thing is not to rush into anything. My ex moved out and rented over a year ago as I refused to move out of the marital home. At the time we agreed the house would not be sold until our son finished his GCSEs. After a couple of months she changed her tune and wanted me to either buy her out or for the house to be sold, but I stuck to my guns. The house has now been sold as his exams are now over, and I will hopefully moving into my new house in August which will then be a whole new start for me and the children.

One thing you need to consider in keeping the family home is the memories it holds. I found it hard sometimes sitting in the home when the children were with their mum. You can re-arrange furniture etc but you never lose the fact that it was the former marital home. You also have the fact that if the house is jointly owned she has right of access, whilst you can ask her to give you notice before she comes round, you don't have total privacy.

Important thing for you now is to do things for you, and look after yourself.

S