Joining the club

Hi everyone

What can I say, I suspect my story is not disimilar to alot of the stories here, but here we go.

After 7 years we have decided to separate. I'm still living in the matrimonial home,and things are........delicate. We have one pre-school child and are attempting to keep things amicable, but the cracks are beginning to show.

I'm not sure if his is the appropriate webspace to post on as our separation is taking place in Scotland, are there any other folks on here who can help me prepare for what's coming?

The separation is a good thing, there is no love in our relationship, and personlly speaking I think 've been treated appallingly over the last two years.

We are both on equal salaries, x2B will have residency of our child, we've povisionally agreed 2 weekday visits by me and every seond weekend residency with me, and I'm pushing for Fri, Sat and Sun nights so I can at least get some regular school contact time.

She's looking to keep the house,and seems really pleased to have got a mortgage to cover the outstanding mortgage (almost x5 her salary), yet there's 70k of equity on top of this, and I just know I'm going to get stuffed.

I've been assidiously saving into a pension since I started working, she's saved the sum total of £85 over 12 years, which seems a tad unfair, but hey, so's life.

We have approx 20k of debt (not counting mortgage) which will hopefully be split between us.

At this moment I'm feeling pretty low. It seems as if all the hard work, sacrifices and effort and energy I've put in to my relationship, and the fact that I'm one of the world's best dad's (honestly, I'm pretty hopeless at most things, but this I excel at) is all getting taken away from me, where I'm going to be left at the end of this year wih a child who'll hardly see me and no prospct of ever getting back on the poperty ladder again. I'm approaching 40.

There are alot of positives I can walk away with, but losin my equity, sorry I've put alot of effort into this place, it just seems a tad,well, unfair!

Feel free to flame my niaevity.

I'm sorry to hear that and know how you feel. My x is doing the same thiing to me but i do have the kids with me...if she has any sense she will see your child needs both of you.

As for your age, you're younger than me! Life begings at 40( isn't that what they say?).

Hello

I probably feel similar in a similar situation...

I moved to my wife's home town 2 years ago giving up a job I loved. things went wrong in my new job ( which I hate ) and getting no matrimonial support, left in desperation. My marraige is over weboth conceded know but I felt that my contribution to the family and the children over 10 years would count for something. I now live in a town where I know no one, in a job I despise with the only thing I live for, my girls becoming incresingly detached from me

My wife refuses to let me in the house and I am starting again with the clothes I was wearing when i left.. you are not alone! Sorry to be depressing

Sorry to hear about your rough time. I'm in Scotland too, but I'm not as yet much further down the road than you - things have gone very quiet from the X's side - so can't offer much advice yet.

I did want to post just to say that you can continue to be a fantastic dad no matter what happens! It is so hard when you see the hard work and effort you put into your marriage apparently count for nothing, but maybe day you'll feel a bit more positive and you'll be able to look at the good times and decide it was worth it after all.

Hey, thanks, in fact thanks all.

I suppose the bright side involves the fact that we are now only responsible form ourselves, and can be liberated and do what we want. Literally anything.

Shit must go,the witch has just returned from talking shite to someone...

You sound very much like my ex. He even described me as having treated him 'appallingly,' yet the reality is he treated me appallingly and is just very very good at feigning victim via projection, worded eloquently and hiding behind his posh little PHD title, and hates the fact I finally got away . he's even been to victim support groups crying wolf.

My point. there are two sides to every story. if she's leaving, there's probably a good reason.

As I told my ex, you want to look at your own behaviour honestly, if you can. My ex couldnt, saw himself as innocent victim when he is and always will be a classic, serious, serial abuser. His next relationship, and the next, and the next, etc will end up same way. ive decided for myself in any future relationship i will have a zero tolerance for any abusive behaviour, first sign, im out the door.

Some people grow, some don't. Self realisation plays a huge part.

Best wishes

Hi dani

I'm glad that on the basis of one post you've managed to compare me with your abusive ex.

And you're right, there is a good reason she's leaving,it being that there is no love in our relationship. As I mentioned on my first post.

Look at my behaviour? Well, I have. X2b hasn't. I've no intention of justifying a thing to you, as it's clear that confronted with a tale of total strangers you've already chosen which side you're on. Quite astonishing really.

As a final riposte, this is a support network, not a soapbox with which to criticise total strangers based on your own assumptions derived from your own situation (terrible though that must have been for you). I suspect I'm nothing like your ex, and as you're anonymous, I guess I'll never know.