Like so many others here!

I have read many of the posts and can very easily relate to what I am seeing and reading here. The rollercoaster of emotions, the lack of sleep, the ups and downs, the feeling of betrayal are all some of the things that I have felt over the last three months. One day I feel calm and rational and the next day completely lost and confused, to be honest the latter is the general thought. Let me try and give you a short review of where I am at.

What can I say? In early September my wife told me that she wants a divorce and proceeded to move out of the marital bedroom! What really hurt was that she says that she has been thinking about this since December of last year yet had not mentioned anything to me. She also tells me that she was shocked that I did not jump at the opportunity as she was sure that this was what I also wanted! Now my wife has told me that she is not coming back after Xmas and has already enrolled the kids into a new school, and then in another breath talks about possibly coming back – or perhaps that is me clutching at straws!

We did talk a lot in the first month of the 'bombshell' about things. However, of late these discussions rarely happen and only seem to occur on her terms and when it suits her, once again this is a critique that has also been leveled at myself in the past. She also tells me that she is angry with me, for being like I am – a different person! I have to admit that I was not the most tactile nor demonstrative person on the planet and that I did bottle up my own feelings, something that is no longer the case as I have been desperate to talk, to try to move forwards together. I did have a wall around myself, but that has come crashing down yet unfortunately she has used those bricks to build one around herself now and therefore it’s almost impossible to talk about our issues. I agree that we had very definitely gotten into a rut, that our communication was poor and that we became fantastic at pressing the negative buttons. Yet I do not think that things are irretrievable.

I have suggested counseling but apparently I am too late here as she had discussed this in the past and I had rejected it. I have said that I’ll quit my job, that essentially I will do anything and everything to allow ourselves the chance to make our relationship work. All of it apparently to no avail. I am continually met with the fact that she needs time and space as well as discussion with her friends and family before she can make any decision. However, in my heart of hearts, I feel that once she leaves there will be no turning back! I am at my wits ends trying to “understand” how someone who was telling me that she loves me can suddenly become so remote, so cold, almost brutal.

I do not expect answers to my problems, although I would love there to be some definitive ones on how to put things right, or even a magic wand to make things right. However, I am not that naïve as I know that to have gotten to this situation there are real issues that need to be resolved. Yet once again the heart breaking part is that it appears that I am the only one that wants to work things out.

I came across this site last week and it is scary that divorce/separation seems so common! Although I am not really sure what I have just said, I just needed to “speak” so thanks for listening.

Hi and welcome

I feel your pain but there are now easy answers, no one thing will bring her back to you and if you fight to much it may just drive her further away from you.

Give her the space she requires, if that means 6 months away from you then so be it let her know that there is no preasure to make a choice. Let her know that you still love her and want to work together to recapture what you once had.

It may be that things don't work out in the end but keep communicating and I don't mean "i want you back etc etc" - I know that's what you want to say.

Hi Milby. Sorry that you ended up in the place that you are. Its a bad place that many on here have been. There is an end to this. Except you dont know what that will be yet.

You wont get answers. They are burried deep within your wife and as she has said she has been considering this for a while. Something has pushed her into taking action. Could be a friend. Could be a family member. Could be anything. You may not ever know what it is.

At the end of this it is more than likely that you will have to provide your own answers as to why this came about. And its usualy not related to one thing. Having a wall around you and job does not mean that you lose your marriage. Many people have all kinds of issues. And that does not mean that they get divorced. More than likely this is not related to anything that you are or not.

But to end a marriage is a big thing. Everything you have worked for all those years is to be chucked away. Thats a biggie. And for someone to take such drastic action means that they are prepared to take come what may. But many cant take the blame themselves (we are good at blaming others) and somone has to be to blame. And she may blame you. But dont take the blame for this mate. You are only able to own your own blame. Your not entitled to give it to someone else. No one is.

Lastly. Space. She wants space. You should give it to her. Let her work out what she needs to do. And that means no contact from you. I am not suggesting that you play games. But remember that the space thing is a bit of a game. So play her at her own game. No contact initiated from you what so ever. I know this is going to be hard. It was maddeningly hard for me when I started to do this. But it works. And it may just make her realise what she is missing. Or not. And thats the risk.

One very last thing. This is true of all love:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they dont come back. They were never yours".

And nothing in this world will make someone come back unless they need or want to. C.

Thank you Marshy.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they dont come back. They were never yours". One of my favourites and also so very true!

Answers! Yes I do want them. And yes, once again, you are right that is more than likely something that I have to let go. Unless she does reveal the reasons...... one day!

You give some very good advice, that I have heard from other sources including friends and family, yet I have not wanted to hear! A catch 22 - Do I stay or do I go? I think you have confirmed that for me and for that I offer huge thanks.

So much more to add. But... as you have mentioned you never do get answers to all your questions.

Peace to all and it is refreshing to find such a community.

Thanks Michael W.

Having caught up with some of your own posts I can understand that might have been hard to type.

I truly wish you every success in reconciling with your wife. Breakfast in bed, to me, sounds positive.

I only hope that is the case.

from your first post:

I came across this site last week and it is scary that divorce/separation seems so common!

You gotta wonder why it is easier for people to create an emotional tidal wave in their wake rather than work it out. I can understand plenty of circumstances where divorce is right, necessary, etc. But for those "wtf just happened" things where there was no outward sign of anything wrong, no apparent adultery, no fighting, etc... it's like... really? We couldn't have spend some time working on this after [n] years?

Well guys...

Having just received the 2nd Decree Absolute in my life (and on my 50th birthday), I have to say - it's not where I thought I would be at 50. On the other hand, my life has been pretty good - challenging, but good.

But. When my youngest child announced his engagement on New Year's Eve, I instinctively looked around to share it with someone. I guess I always thought I would be settled in a relationship at this age and able to say things like "Didn't we do well?!"

So... I will just have to pat myself on the back and tell myself I did a good job of raising my children. Sad though...

Shezi