separation seems ininevitable

Was just thinking about divorce but even within a week separation seems inevitable.
2 gorgeous kids (2+4)who husband barely interracts with- never mind me. Live in a house with huge mortgage so resigned to having to move long term but what happens if i suggest a separation. I would say alcohol is a big issue although he's not alcoholic but does arrive home 3 and4 in the am and not at all twice in the last 2 weeks. Both names on mortgage but he pays all as i work p/t and care for children- can he stay in the house until i make a petition? Don't really want to do anything to jeopardise what stability is left for kids until i know i may be able to cope financially.

hi fi,
I would advise you to have a good talk and decide together the way forward,sometimes we make decision on our own and endup regretting it.Given the option he might change.I would not just opt for seperation without ,if he is willing ,try to work things out.
My husband decide to move out and had a girlfriend,I just let him get on with it even though I still loved him,to him it seems that I could not care less.Now he wants to try again but I have moved on,which in one way is a pity because the children,24 & 18 still want us together and I wished thing was different.Do not give up without a fight.
take care

Hiya Fifi,
Welcome to Wikivorce, home of the maritally disfunctional! You must feel terrible at the moment, and many of us here have known that fear of the unknown, and the desire to make it all disappear and be OK again.

Your husband seems to have forgotten what being an adult and a parent mean, let alone the commitment he made when you married.

Perhaps he has major issues that he doesn't feel comfortable in talking to you about. Perhaps parenthood is not what he expected. Perhaps he is Peter Pan and thinks he doesn't need to grow up yet.

Whatever he thinks, you clearly can't continue in the current climate.

It is not clear from your post whether you have tried to seek help for the issues in your marriage. Have you spoken to him about attending a counseling service like Relate? As Mariaa says, he might try to work things out, if given the chance?

I don't know your personal circumstances, but I would say that if there is a chance of recovering your marriage, take it with open arms, as the alternative of divorce is best avoided. Only the two of you can answer that question.

If you are mortgaged to the hilt, are you practically going to be able to keep on the house if he did go? He too will have housing needs and you need to consider if his income is going to stretch to covering both? Granted, you would be entitled to various benefits (child tax credits, council tax benefit), but will there be enough to keep it all together?

I can understand that you see separation as the next step. There will be a lot of emotions flying around if you suggest that to him. Perhaps a better strategy is to arrange to sit down and have a very serious conversation about the options, and let him come to the conclusion that separation is the next step. Or persuade him to go to Relate with you. They are not just about marriage guidance. They can also help with deciding an exit strategy for you as a couple, or as individuals.

Whatever you decide, there are plenty of people here at wikivorce that understand where you are and how you are feeling. Just ask for their help or support.

Best of luck fifi, and take care of yourself and your two children - they are the most important things in all of this.

Mike

Thanks for encouragement- would really try anything for the sake of the children. Tried to speak last night and suggest we try counselling but was told he hadn't decided what he is going to do yet- which is my point- it's all about him not us. He walked off and just blamed me for winding him up! It seems I currently have an extra child in the house. How do you try and engage someone to talk if you can't even agree to discuss that there's a problem? Will wait a few days and see if there is any progress and try relate by myself for starters.

Fifi,
He has to understand that it takes two to have a relationship. He hasn't hasn't decided what he wants to do yet? The arrogant pig! You are in one of those 'heads you lose, tails you lose' situations. Whatever you do will be wrong. I would write him a note, devoid of emotion or opinion, stating that you believe there are serious problems in the relationship and that you are planning to go to marriage guidance counseling. You believe it would be helpful for him and you if he were to attend too, but the decision is his. You are going regardless.
See what happens. Good luck and keep us informed
Mike

well things seem to be progressing for the worse.
Would like to try and talk to him but despite him calling from work in the day to say he will be home to see children has managed to get home some time after 1 last night and who knows what time tonight. Sadly I am beginning to feel that my list of problems is increasing and they could never possibly be addressed.
This behaviour is so erratic i find it hard to believe it won't happen again- when children are more able to comprehend the rejection- my 4 year old keeps saying she wants to see daddy and i find it hard not to cry for one thing and not ctiticise him for another.
he is away on sat for 10 days for work- how am i supposed to make any progress if we can't talk.
Sorry for ranting but maybe it's better than targeting him when he eventually turns up:unsure:

Fifi,
Use the next ten days constructively - not constantly analysing and reviewing what is wrong and who is to blame. Look forwards, not backwards and write some positives about where things might go, with or without him. You can't ignore the negatives, but focus on the positives.

Take care of yourself,

Mike