Why am I here?

Hi My hubby drove me out of my home, poisoned our daughter against me and told me that if I didn't divorce him, (I get legal aid) he would make my life hell. I begged him to go for family counselling for the sake of the kids but he refused. Its been six months now and I have been in hospital because of a nervous breakdown. I miss my daughter immensely. She refuses to speak to me. My sister has taken his side and we have fallen out. My mum and sister have fallen out. He got himself a younger version the minute I left and my daughter and her are bestest friends. I haven't done anything wrong and cannot for the life of me make sense of all this.

Lillyann,

Firstly, welcome to wiki.

Hopefully you will be able to find solace, friendship, support and advice within the wiki community.

You dont' say how old your daughter is, which may have some relevence in your case, but for now I will not worry about her age.

You say you are receiving legal aid, so you therefore have a solicitor. What advice have they given you with regards to child contact?

Are you still receiving emotional support from an outreach worker or CPN? You need to make sure that you have support networks in place, especially as you seem to have a family divide as well.

It maybe worth trying to right your mum and sister a letter telling them that you need their support right now, open your heart to them, you have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

You need to be looking after yourself at the moment so that you are strong and well emotionally.

None of this is your fault, but depending on the age of your daughter she may not understand the mental health issues that you have been facing of late.

Is there not a family friend or the like that could pass a letter from you to your daughter. Just talk about everyday things. Let her know what is happening in your life and ask about her life, what she is doing at school etc.

If you are receiving support from an outreach worker or similar organisation then maybe able to help you with practicalities of where you go from here.

If you can post a bit more information ie. age of daughter, your current arrangements and where you are in the divorce and I, or others will add further comment.

Just remember, you have now found a wealth of support and advice.

Take care

xx Sarah xx

Hi Sarah
Thanks for your reply. I

have been reading the posts on here for quite a while now and of altho I havent posted till now, have taken great comfort from knowing there are peeps out there who want to help others.

My daughter us coming upto 16 yrs of age. Her dad is a very pessimistic, argumentative and angry man. She is angry that I left the marital home. Because she has grown up in that environment, she doesnt know any different. She gets on great with his new girlfriend (mistress actually) who is only 9 yrs older than her. Solicitor does things in this order:
1. Divorce
2. Finances
3. Children
Cant decide whose side she is on really.
I have been in touch with social services, school counsellors, family counsellors, all to no avail. They wont do anything cos both kids are happy.

At first, youngest refused to visit them unless they had counselling but misses them and has started going to visit. I feel very disappointed as it looks as if she has forgiven them but I feel betrayed. This has blown not only my immediate family apart, but split other members of the family up in the process. He must be laughing his socks off.

This is all so common. Kids are used as pawns in divorce to hurt the other party when they havent done anything. I am the mirror of you. But in my case they werent my kids. But it dont count realy if they are yours or not. Teens are impressed easily and easily led. But in your case you are mum and that goes against what I thought that mum is always right and never betrayed. I live and learn.

What to do? I realy dont know. But I can only tell you what has been told to me and hope that it will apply to you. So here goes. People are not stupid. And in time they will work things out and realise that they have been fooled. People are happy to live a lie for a while but not forever. So in time they will recognise that you wasnt at fault and will contact you. What I would do is leave it for a while until divorce is over. Then contact them and keep contacting them regulary.Like birthdays and so on. Not every week. Dont drive them nuts just now and again. And fingers crossed you will get them back.

Add to the mix that some teens are horible nasty people. Not all but some. Esp girls. They can be very vindictive but it dont last and by the early twenties they have rejoined the human race and are nearly ok. So bear that in mind when thinking about what she did.

On the solicitors front yes they apear heartless and it feels as if they are on there side. Not yours. But it aint true and they are just being over realistic. They have to be like that as they can get sued for malpractice if it all goes wrong. So just go with the flow and move your way thru the process in the order they have set out. You have to remember that they see cases like yours everyday and they have to be detached. They couldnt function otherwise and no one would be divorced. We would all be in floods of tears all the time. So take what they say and follow the advice given. After all would you argue with the car mechanic or the plumber? Rest my case yr honer.

So tough it out and see what happens.

In my case my stepkids sided with her and her BF. They helped to get rid of me. And I dont see them anymore. It was hard at 1st as I was there dad. But I came to terms that the mother and the BF had a hand in getting them on there side and I was bound to lose. But thats life and I have accepted it. But I am not at the point that I can have anything to do with them now or in the future. But thats me. Be strong and try and get better so you can survive and rebuild yr life. We are all here for U on wicki. Piece and love C.

Thank you for you kind words. I am taking on board everything you say. Tonight is her prom night and I was crying all night cos I can still picture her as a 3yr old in her nappy dancing away. Its so very hard. Never in a million years thought that this would happen to me. All I ever wanted was for my kids to be happy and apparently she is unless I contact her, so I will have to accept that. Dont know how my sx2b sleeps at night.

Lillyann,

I sympathise with you. This is going to be an awful time not just because of what is happening but also because it will seem impossible to handle.

Please believe me that what seems insurmountable now can be weathered, it's just that there is so much change coming in so short a time that we think everything is collapsing. The help of friends, ethereal ones on this site and physical ones outside the computer you will get you back on your feet much quicker. ((((((((((((Lilly)))))))))))

Lilly, it is not up to your solicitor to tell you what to do, but to ADVISE you.

I do not know about your feelings, but in my divorce, my priorities were:
1. Children.
2. Finances.
3. Divorce procedure.

If you have any doubts about what is happening, what you're doing or what to do, write a post or come into the chat room. If we can't provide an answer immediately then at least we can chase some worries away!

Best wishes!

YA

lillyann wrote:

Thank you for you kind words. I am taking on board everything you say. Tonight is her prom night and I was crying all night cos I can still picture her as a 3yr old in her nappy dancing away. Its so very hard. Never in a million years thought that this would happen to me. All I ever wanted was for my kids to be happy and apparently she is unless I contact her, so I will have to accept that. Dont know how my sx2b sleeps at night.

I know how you feel. I had this prom night thing 2 years ago and last night as well as the youngest of my ex stepkids had hers last night. I just hid away. My next door neighbours kid is in the same year as my ex youngest stepkid so there was lots of limo's around last night. But that fat **** is dad now so let him deal with it.

Thats the thing with sep / div its like cancer. Happens to someome else. The guilt must be crushing for him to bring someone else into his kids life and then pass them off as mum is awful. But he will be feeling guilt. He will be offseting this guilt by blaming you. But dont worry the current thinking is that kids aint stupid and they work things out for themselves eventualy. Do I beleive this? Jurys still out. F