Why does it hurt this much?

Hi everyone. I'm just separated after 17 years of marriage to the only person i really ever needed. I work away from home a lot, but have never been unfaithful. Ever. I have no real friends, as i lost contact with most when i got married. The last three years, saw a change in job, and apparenlty, a change in me. (from the very start of the new job). the stress of the job got on top of me, but didnt see it until she declared she'd had enough and wanted to take thing slow to see if we could work it out.
I've done wrong. I know that now. I took her for granted, i was awful to her on her last birthday, and after looking back after realising there was a problem and identifying the root cause, cant understand why she didn't tell me. No rows, no arguments, no nothing.
She got a job after being a housewife and mother for 10 years, and got a social life back and a new circle of friends that didn't include me at all.
I couldn't live that way, being a stranger in my own home, and suggested we separate to sort our heads out. She agreed to it, but has just got on with her new life.
So why do i feel so dead inside, so sad, so down and so alone?
When will the pain ease?
I want to go to sleep and never wake up!!! (naturally, not pill induced) (not quite that bad, coz I've got my kids to live for)

Hi LostandAlone

I really feel for you, i am in the same place at the moment although my husband walked out on me after 20 years with no real explanation, although i have since found out that he has a new lady in his life, he left nearly 3 months ago and it has come to a point were i wonder did he really exsist as we dont really have alot of contact. All abit of a blur really.

But trust me it does get better, i have my dark days, but i am finding brighter ones to and i know that i am a good person and i never really did anything to deserve this, so i have started to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, i know i cannot change the past but i can certainly change what happens from now on and i do believe that one day i will be ok and that i still have a life with out him in it, i dont for one minute say it is easy, but i just want you to know that there is always something to wake up for.

You take care and i hope that your days start to get brighter.

Erin x

Hello,

You hurt like this because you are human ... me, like you has been through very similar circumstances. I set my wife up in a business last year and then we just grew apart after 8 years of nothing but happiness. When she said she wasn't happy I was shocked and devasted. Our marriage broke down with the most incredible speed.

I am still hurting like hell, but the minutes of being ok are getting longer while the hours of feeling down are reducing ..... it just takes time and unfortunately we can't speed up time ..... if only we could.

My track record isn't that good so I am not one to offer sound advice except to say just keep looking at this site as I do because it helps - everyone on here is helpful, kind and not judgemental - honestly it really is helping me.

Good luck and best wishes at this difficult time.

Thanks for that. I hope your right. I need to wake up with a smile, coz that stopped a long time ago. Heres to your brighter days getting longer. x

Hi Lost

Ever had one of those dreams where you're late for a train? You're rushing to get there, you really need to get this one and are running to the platform... only to find the train pulling out of the station and the gate is closed.

It's a bit like a situation where you're presented with a fait accompli. Someone has made their mind up to a course of action without consulting you... and there's not a thing you can do about it. A lot of soul searching then ensues. We kick ourselves mentally and it hurts like hell. The 'if onlys' make us feel sad and down. You've been excluded from your wife's life, that gate has been shut and you're left outside.

There are quite a few of us on that side of the gate, though, so you're not alone. The pain will ease. You've taken the first step - sharing your experience. It gets better from now. Keep talking, come in chat and let us know how you get on. Good luck.

LostAndAlone,

Wanna wake up with a smile on your face? Go to bed with a wire coathanger in your mouth!

Joking apart, been to the place you are in right now. As Milly says, when you are presented with a brick wall, and excluded from your partner's life, it takes a savage toll on your self-esteem and your emotions.

Yes, we are all guilty of not being who we should have been, or doing what we should have done. But where was the discussion? Where was the honesty?

My STBX decided that 'our' marriage was over. Seems the last person to know was me. I was too busy providing for her inordinate spending to notice. Hey ho. Some things in life are meant to be, some are not.

You will come out of this a stronger person, with a very different perspective on life. Right now it is about making sense of it all.

Have a read at my blog from the early days. Iwas very angry and confused. I'm 18 months on from being told, and life has improved. I can look back at what I wrote then and remember the pain, and see how much my outlook has changed. I am still a way off being ready to plunge head first back into the world of relationships, but I can see I am getting there. It all takes time.

Little by little the gloom lifts. The bad days become fewer and less bad. The good days come more often. I have a better relationship with my children now than I had before the split. Life gets better. It is different, and occasionally lonely, but definitely better.

Hang on in there, stick with the wikipeeps to make you smile and remind you that although you have had a rough ride, there are others that have had it a whole lot worse.

Mike
PS If you are short of a wire coathanger, I have a few spares - STBX wouldn't have them in her house, so I got left all of them

Afairs of the heart always hurt this way. You are not alone and there are loads on here in the same boat as you. Did you do anything wrong? Yes and no. You provided for your family the only way you knew how. But we all make mistakes and you said you were horible to yr wife on her birthday. But we all make mistakes and people can forgive these things. Thing is; people change. Not there core values but some of the habits. She has had to live without you a lot and she has got on with life. Nothing wrong with that. But she had to build a life without you. If you made a mistake it was being away so much. But its a 2 edged sword. You have to provide and you have to be at home at the same time. Tough call. But learn from this. You life is not over and please dont talk about topping yrself. Its not you that would suffer its those around you. But you get another go at life. We all do. Thats the reward for emabarking on this process. And life is what you make it. Its a clean slate and its upto you what you write on it.

The real successful people on this earth are tryers and learners. People that keep trying and learn from what didnt work always succeed in the end. Thats ultimatly what you have to do.

But for now just move through the process in the correct way and you hopefully you will come thru it without a scratch. Your life is defo gona change. But change is part of life. I know its scarey. I was bricking myself at 1st. But life turned out OK. My life couldnt be better and I must say I am glad it happned now and it was worth it. But I am not without scars. Just do your best, keep trying and learn by your mistakes. Thats all anyone can do. C