Hi - urgently need advice

Hi. Just stumbled upon this forum and now wishing I’d found it sooner. I’m after some advice before tomorrow morning if possible (sorry for short notice)

My wife has been having an affair with a female teacher at my kids primary school. She used to teach one of my children but doesn’t now - she does see them everyday tho. I found out about the affair about four months ago and my wife has admitted that they’ve had sexual relations.

We are now separated with an agreement in place, however, my wife still lives in the family home and isn’t contributing to any of the finances whatsoever.

Also, I feel that I need to tell the school about this ongoing affair as I’m worried about the impact this could have on my children once it all comes out. They could end up being the subjects of ridicule and I’ll probably be the butt of the jokes amongst the parents.

Am I within my rights to inform the headmaster of the situation? I feel that if the school doesn’t take action then I’ll have no choice but to remove my kids from the school and lodge a formal complaint with the local education authority. Surely the teacher has breached the school’s code of conduct?

What action would you expect the school to take? The teacher doesn't teach your children now, and there are no "rules" that prevent teachers from having relationships with parents.

You need to tread carefully, if you inform the school it may be seen as some sort of vendetta against the teacher.

Why would you distrupt the children's education by removing them from school, Thier friends and familiar surroundings? You wouldn't be able to enroll them in a new school without your wife's consent anyway.

She still teaches my daughter football after school. Her and my wife are also planning to get a place together shortly. It’s a C of E school which apparently prides itself of promoting morals and integrity. In an ideal world, I’d like her to leave the school so my kids don’t have to face the potential bullying aspect when it all comes out.

The outcome I’m expecting though is that the school will just say that she won’t be able to teach my children for the rest of their time there. I know if I was a head teacher and one of my staff had broken up a marriage, I wouldn’t be too happy about it! Just because it’s not a male sleeping with a female parent, it doesn’t make it any more acceptable

Doubt there would be considered a conflict of interests. Sometimes teachers end up teaching their own kids if they go to the same school as their parents work at.

Why do you think there is a potential bullying risk? The school will have a robust anti-bullying policy in place.

The whole “Her Mum left her Dad for another woman and is now Miss X’s girlfriend” thing. You know how brutal kids can be! That’ll then follow them up to Secondary school and may get worse - I just want to protect them as best I can.

I’m hurting really bad from this and struggling to stay afloat and keep on top of bills etc - all the while they are swanning off and doing things together. I feel like a mug and am on the verge of breaking down! My work’s suffering and I’m too embarrassed to tell people about my situation. It’s killing me inside!

I think she’s crossed the line and truly believe that she’s not fit to be a teacher. My wife was volunteering at the school for a while and that’s how this all started. We’ve only just moved into our new family home aswell! This girl’s destroyed everything I have and is getting away scott free! If I break my company’s code of conduct / ethics then I’d expect to face disciplinary action - why should she be any different?

I understand you are devastated, hurting and struggling to come to terms with what has happened. You are in a situation that isn't of your making.

Please think very carefully before deciding if speaking to the school is the right and constructive thing to do. Yes, the teacher may be reprimanded, but to what cost? Playground and school gate gossip that will impact on your children, any hope of having a reasonable relationship with your ex as a coparent will be gone, and trying to sort out the finances may well be more difficult than it needs to be due to a difficult relationship with your spouse. You trying to punish your wife's lover will have most likely have far reaching consequences that you haven't considered.

You are in the right place for support and help, people here will have had similar experiences, feel free to vent away on here, it will help.

Thanks for all the advice but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I’ve been to the school this morning and told them. I may have put my head on the block now but I’m hurting that much at this moment in time that I don’t really care. Only time will tell if I’ve made the situation worse but it’s something I felt I had to do.