i don't know what to do.............

Hi everyone, reading other peoples tales, I am amazed how many situations sound exactly like mine.

Well here goes with my story.

I have known my wife since 1992, we have been together since 1996 and married since 1999.

I have had a problem in the past with jealousy about ex boyfriends etc.... She has always got on better with guys than girls. This has happened about 4 or 5 times in the 13 yrs we have been together, so it's not like it happens every week or anything. When I have my concerns, they are always based on things I have found out - not gone looking for, but stumbled across. Things like numbers on our home phone that I thought were a mate of mine, only to find out it was a mutual friend of ours. When I asked my wife if she had heard from this person recently, she denied it. I said then why was his number on our phone and she got very defensive. I then found out she had been having text conversations with him!

The latest one is a guy she is working with. I have been dealing and accepting the friendship, until she went out with a group of work mates. When they got home I was asleep, until our dog started barking at a noise outside, I saw this guy hugging my wife, a bit more than a 'see ya later' hug, then he kissed her a couple of times once on the cheek, once on the forehead. I asked her about this the next day and that was it, she exploded saying she feels I am being controlling, don't trust her etc....

A few weeks later, I was called away to work abroad for a month. This guy had been round a couple of times and she told me about it, to prove I trusted her I was saying 'yeah fine honey' and stuff like that. She started coming back to me and our relationship started getting back on track. (I should mention at this point we had been seeing a counsellor, which was helping).

When I returned home things were going well for a few days, until a mutual friend had told me that my wife had admitted to them in a text that she had had a snog with this guy, but nothing more. I asked my wife what that was supposed to mean, and she explained that it was a text sent in anger and taken out of context. She was now saying again that I doubt her and don't trust her!! But she still sent that text, what was I meant to think?

A few days after this latest blow up, we sat up til 2 in the morning having a very open and honest chat. It wasn't easy but at least we then knew where we both stood. On saturday, just passed, I was standing at the sink, her mobile was in front of me and it went off, it was this other guy calling her 'baby' saying that 'last night nearly killed him' (he had stayed the night after works christmas party, other people were there, I was n't) he ended the text with 'i love you'!!!!!

Now I know I shouldn't of looked at the phone, but I did and feel justified. She was angry that i had looked at her phone, but could understand why i was upset. Back to square 1. She said she would tell him to stop texting, and handed her notice in to get away from the situation, which I appreciated, but told her not to do it for any reason other than it was what she wanted. This morning I went to make a call, and again pressed redial - whose number should come up, but this bloke from work. She had called him last night, while I have moved out and been staying at my Mums. I asked her about it and that was it. She was furious. I can see her point, but she said some really hurtful stuff like 'I only feel hatred and anger towards you', 'I don't want you anywhere near me', 'Ican't stand the sight of you' etc...... I said I can't carry on in relationship where I am frightened about raising any concerns I might have.

I think we are at the end of the road, a couple of days ago, I think we both wanted the same thing, but just couldn't work out how to get there. Now it just feels like it is finished. I feel desperate, have been living with an immense of hurt, pain, mixed signals and massive emotional turmoil now for 3 months, although it has brewing for about 18 months. I just don't know how I can convince her that I do trust her and win her back.

We also have two lovely boys to consider, aged 6 and 8. I always thought we had a strong, enviable relationship and I just want that back. There have been other bits of 'evidence' but I really don't think it would be fair to go into all the gory details.

Sorry about the long intro.............but just want other people realise they aren't the only ones going through this horrible situation. I hope we can all move forward happily!

Mate,
So much of what your saying is what ive gone through, especially the texting. My ex was obsessed with it, and it drove me to become suspicious. Im not one for giving advice as am at rock bottom, but you need to think of whats best for you now. Trust is so important in a relationship...this is the mnain reason my marriage has fallen apart...i didnt trust her and so many thngs she did made me go completely insane with worry...you seem int he same boat..
Unless she is willing to change, stop lying and all that you need to think of your future happiness
Take care pal
Ditched

im sorry doofus, not easy, particularly this time of year. Trust is a big thing tho, and you cant show it if its not there, i tried and failed.

If it is, it will show itslef naturally, if not ... do you really want to be in a relationship without it?

..........that's the thing, deep down i do trust her and i know she is a completely loyal person but she just gives off the wrong sort of signals to some male friends, that's where my lack of trust comes from.

She doesn't mean it in a 'come on' sort of way, but I am a bloke, and if a girl was sending me those signals, that is how i would take it.

I'm sorry other people are in the same situation, but please take comfort in the fact we are not alone!

Oh Dufus,

You say you want to prove that you trust her and win her back...but you obviously don't trust her and you are justified in that.

We can't seperate love and trust in a relationship, both essential. But once trust is gone, it's very hard to get back, if not impossible. The love bit is the one that's hard to lose, unfortunately.

You have given everything to this relationship, counselling, fresh starts, you are a special guy to try so very hard to keep it going but remember to maintain your dignity in all this. Stick around on these boards, there are lots of people here to help you through this, whichever road you take.

Duck

In my opinion (and it is only my opinion) all this getting angry when you find something out is just to deflect from the real issue, and if she's doing that she has something to hide. Sorry mate

I have had this too, and it only makes me more suspicious. If there's nothing to hide there's nothing to get angry about. I've found all sorts of things (letters to the OM, texts about her going on holiday with him, photos on her phone of him in bed, etc) and to my mind she gets angry about it because she's been found out, not because she's been checked up on.

Take it easy

Sun

I'm with you on this one Sun.

When confronted with proof my STBX blew up and told me I was mad and needed help! He was adamant he had done nothing at all, despite all the evidence.

Not just once, but a few times, I got to know when he was lying from his responses.

No more.

Beware Doofus, don't ever blame yourself. It's tempting to wonder where you are going wrong in the relationship, you are not, there is no excuse for what she is doing. 'Friends' don't send texts about the night before ending with 'I love you'. Sorry.

Duck