I think I must be mad!!!

I have been married to my husband for 15 years, been together for 21 yrs. Met when we were 18. He has a job which means he is away a lot on business and he is in the Territorial Army too which means for the last 21 years he has been away a lot, normally two weekends out of every month and many weeks. This has not really been an issue but in the last couple of years I have got sick of coming at the bottom of a very long list of priorities. In 2003 he got mobilised and did a 7 month tour or Iraq - thats where the rot kicked in. He came home with PTSD and left for a few months as he thought he didnt want to be married any more. He said he had made a mistake and came home 3 months later. Anyway since then he has become extremely selfish - he admits this -his life is always first and I have lost track of the number of times he hasnt been there fo me or the our three children. I have got used to doing things on my own, diy, shopping, family parties etc. A couple of years ago I became very ill and am now disabled. This year I have become increasingly aware that he wasnt "there" for me. I lost my vision, for example, a few weeks ago and called him home to collect the children from school. I awoke to find him saying goodbye and off he trundled to TA for the weekend, leaving me dumbfounded on the sofa. His friends, his family have all told him but he doesnt listen. Anyway at the end of November we had to go to a party up north and I picked the car journey to ask what we were going to do about us. He replied that there was no us any more, that we were brother and sister, that we had drifted apart. There is someone else, not a person, a thing, the ARMY - this is his life. I said that if we had drifted apart it was because he was never here - he said that I was right. Anyway for the last two months I have lived with the knowledge that he is leaving. He has now found somewhere to go and will be leaving soon. He says now that it is all his fault, that he hates the person he has become since Iraq but he needs to leave to see whether he misses me. Mostly I am okay but sometimes this pretending gets to me. I told him I didnt what the children to know until the last minute but it is so hard pretending. To top it all, he till phones me ever day to tell to see how my day is going and still tells me he loves me. I know my family think I am mental putting up with it - I have always done the finances as well and have helped him sort out his money for when he goes - even writing this makes me wonder what kind of loser I am - I just want to try and keep it friendly for the children. Am I really being stupid?

You are not a loser and you are not stupid. You are doing your best and have tried your hardest to keep your marriage going during very difficult circumstances. Well done!

This at least means that you needn't wonder about if you could have done more.

It is an awkward situation. I had to carry on as "normal" for 3 months when I knew my ex was going to leave. He was staying on for our elder son to do his GCSEs, or so I thought, though 2 months in I found that he was moving in with someone else so I felt complicit in their affair.

I don't know that there is a right way to tell children that you are breaking up, but in retrospect I wish I'd just slung my ex out as soon as I found out about the other woman. It may not have made any difference to the boys but I would have felt tons better!
What your family and friends think doesn't matter - its important that you do what you think is right.

To NoRegrets, thanks for the reply. Believe me sometimes I just want him to go now - it hurts like hell. But I have told him not to be so complacent in thinking that I would even have him back - I might like it on my own....

I wouldn't say you are stupid.

It is not easy seperating from someone you have a history with. He obviously still cares for you to see how you are each day. There is nothing wrong with being friendly either.

Maybe he will miss you and want to come back, but are you prepared to live like brother and sister or are you both prepared to put some work in and make the marriage work?

Also, I can't imagine what it was like in Iraq, but I know war changes people. Maybe counselling would help you both?

Dear Nettle

I am at fault too, I know that, I have let him live a single life whilst married - if I had put my foot down we probably would have seperated sooner. It just seems silly to seperate when people would give anything to have what we have now - In terms of putting work in to make it work, we discussed that when he said it was over and we were both supposed to be trying to make it work but he didnt - he still went away all the time and admited that he was trying within the realms of what he wanted to do - I have contacted the army reserves and they will give him counselling but he wont go because they will demote him - he had counselling after Iraq but we paid because he didnt want the army to know.

startingagain09 wrote:

To NoRegrets, thanks for the reply. Believe me sometimes I just want him to go now - it hurts like hell. But I have told him not to be so complacent in thinking that I would even have him back - I might like it on my own....

Indeed he is taking for granted that it is his decision whether or not he comes back, and you are more than used to having to cope alone while he was away...

startingagain09 wrote:

Dear Nettle

I am at fault too, I know that, I have let him live a single life whilst married - if I had put my foot down we probably would have seperated sooner. It just seems silly to seperate when people would give anything to have what we have now - In terms of putting work in to make it work, we discussed that when he said it was over and we were both supposed to be trying to make it work but he didnt - he still went away all the time and admited that he was trying within the realms of what he wanted to do - I have contacted the army reserves and they will give him counselling but he wont go because they will demote him - he had counselling after Iraq but we paid because he didnt want the army to know.

I am guilty of the same thing, but with my Ex his interest was football. Even when we had decided to make more of an effort to spend time togeher, he very soon let football come first. They get used to doing what they want to do.

Surely marriage counselling would not be anything to do with the army?