Newbie saying hello

Hi Everyone,

I have now plucked up the courage to say hello after so long of watching this forum.

I am going through a very tough time (as many people are here) as I found out in November my wife of six years was having a "fling" with one of her colleagues.
This is the second time she has done this to me as she had a "fling" with my best (ex) friend 2 years ago.

Like I say I found out in November all of this and I couldn't believe I would have to go through all again the emotions I had 2 years ago.
I was called a controlling bully as that it is why it happened.

We are now well into March and I am as emotionally drained as I was back in November. I have found out yesterday through spying and snooping (that's all I seem to do these days) that my wife is having an affair and is in love with this guy.

I confronted her about this and whilst being very angry about the way I snoop agreed that this is the case.

The good thing is (I think!)I am having counselling which I can barely afford but it isn't sinking in what I am being told and I am very depressed and cannot function, eat or sleep. I'm also getting fed up of people telling me that it will be all ok soon!
I really, really want to move on but am stuck. I am thinking about joining an on-line dating agency but everyone tells me that this is a bad idea.

I also cannot believe I am still in love with my wife despite all the lies and dishonesty over the last few months.

Well. that's my little life.
A bit of a depressing read I am afraid but I wish I could speak to someone who is going through what I am at the mo.

Thanks for reading

Hi Hughie

Sorry to here your situation. It is unfortunately all to common.

It is not clear from your post whether you want to try and reconcile or whether you want to move on.

If you want to try and reconcile the chances of success are slim, especially as your wife has done this before, the chances are that even if you get through this time, you will be back here again in x years! Don't mean to be harsh, just saying it as it is.

It is only natural to still be in love with your wife, you do not just fall out of love with someone, even if they treat you like s**t! Just be aware that she will have fallen out of love with you a long time ago. So she has already moved on and so can act in such a way. If you want to reconcile you need to make her fall back in love with you, which is very difficult as you will be snooping on her as you don't trust her at the moment.....snooping is not going to rekindle love!

As to on-line dating it will not make her jealous and make her come back. It might make you feel better and give you something else to focus on, but you have to be careful you do not do the thing of spending all your time on dates talking about your ex!!

I met my new partner through on-line dating after my wife had moved out. That was nine months after I found out about her affair.

Feel free to pm me if you would like a chat

All the best

S

Hi Hughie

Welcome to wiki

I really can understand how you feel, i found out about my husbands affair back in September and it totaly distroyed me at the time.

You don't say whether you and your wife are still living together and are trying again or whether you have separated.

Personaly i think you both need some space to try and understand what you want, though this may not be possible, especialy if you have children.

It may have come to the point where you have to realise that you are flogging a dead horse and it's time to let go. It's a terrifying thought but can you really still see a future with your wife and see yourself trusting her again?

With regards to online dating, think about your motives. If it's just to get back at your wife or because you are feeling lonely and hurt it wont help. You need to give yourself time to heal before you start any new relationship. Online dating can be a soul distroying thing in itself, it's not as easy as you think and especialy for men so i'm told.

Think about yourself now, it's good you are getting coucilling, i'm sure it will help you to come to terms with your feelings. You have a right to feel like crap, allow yourself to do so, also you will feel like crap for a long time to come. You can't just feel better soon, there is no magic wand to take all the pain away. However in time you will start to feel better, a little bit day by day. Unfortuately we have to go through the pain to enable us to come to terms with the loss we are feeling.

Call into chat if you feel strong enough, there are many people in there, including lots of men, who have been through the same thing. You dont have to talk if you dont want to, you can just sit and listen but if you need to unload, someone will listen.

Take care

Dawn x

Thank you so much Dawn and S for your replies. At long, long last I have found some other guys who have experienced something that I am currently going through. I have wanted to chat to someone for ages who have gone through a messy separation like myself.

I have to say it has been the toughest three months of my life and I think I have had a nervous breakdown along the way. I haven't worked for the best part of 2 years and this has contributed to the downfall of my marriage. Staring at walls and the weekends are currently the pits.

My wife moved out at the beginning of February and is happy with the split. I managed to look at all her emails as I managed to crack all the passwords, I absolutely hate myself for doing this but I cannot stand all the lies and want for some unknown reason to know the truth.
I got what I wanted alright on Sunday when at long last I found the "evidence(?)" I needed. I just didn't realise how unhappy I have made her and how much she is in love with someone else.

She told me she is confused as she is in love with 2 men, myself and her work colleague. I demanded she tell me who she wanted to be with and she said him. Being gutted is an understatement. Sheis with him as I write this and the thought of it makes physically sick.

I am SO fed up up waking up in the early hours of the morning with a knotted stomach. I am fed up with crying every single bloody moment of the day and if anyone wants to lose some weight, tell their partner to cheat on them as I have lost 2.5 stone in 3 months as I am simply not hungry anymore.

Everybody has told me not to try on-line dating yet but I am so lonely, hence the reason why I wanted to try this but I know in my heart of hearts this isn't really a good idea. I just like the thought of building up my self-esteem and confidence up a little meeting people of the opposite sex. My wife also told me to try dating again!

I know everyone keeps on saying that every day it gets a little better but I am afraid this simply isn't the case with me as I feel worse. I have forgotten what it feels like to smile. The counsellor I am seeing frustrates me as at 40 quid for a poxy hour all she tells me is to back off and let go. Something that I find really hard to adhere.

I am really sorry if you have found this depressing, but writing this has somehow made me a little better. I REALLY, REALLY would love to speak to someone who has been through all this as I do not know anyone.

Dawn - Could you tell me about CHAT as I am unsure what you mean, many thanks

sorry to hear of your difficult time hughie, you're in the right place to try and help yourself though. My partner left 4 weeks tomorrow, an affair with a mutual friend and his colleague 20 years younger. Been going on for months so I, as well as most others here, know exactly how you feel. Instead of paying a counsellor 40 maybe you ought to spend time here and read and listen and reflect. Use the money to buy something small and nice once a week or whatever to make you feel a little lift.

KNotted tummies, sleepless nights, torture, dread and utter despair, you will go through all of these, as we are and will and do, but you will survive this and go on as long as you allow yourself to.

Chat is under the community tab above, you just pop into it, say hello and then it's welcome to another world. A really great bunch of peopel who have helped me feel there's a way through. Give it go xx

Hi Hughie

As snow has said chat is the wiki chatroom that you can access either from the home page ( left hand panel, under the list of names of people online ) or by clicking the community tab above then the chat button. Don't be scared, i know it's a chatroom but it's not charged by the minute!

Your story is very close to mine, i also asked my husband to choose between me and his 18 year old girlfriend and he also choose the other person. I've lost alot of weight, over 3 stones now since he left in September.

Have you got any friends or family you can talk to? You cannot go through this alone, please don't try to, i did and it made things worse if that is possible. Now is the time to stop snooping, you have your answers and you will only be tourturing yourself. It's like a scab, stop picking at it and it will heal quicker.

The need of company from the opposite sex is a very real one, we all feel it. The lonliness and isolation of separation is the hardest thing in my opinion. Have you any female friends you can go out with? If you do go down the dating route try and be honest with your dates, if you just want company then tell them.

Keep posting and try the chatroom, alot of us in there have been the victims of affairs.

If you'd like to chat more please feel free to pm me

Dawn x

Hi Hughie

A huge welcome to our lovely wiki community and well done for taking the step to post.

I'm sorry you had to find us this way but you will receive lots of support here.

My best advice Hughie... don't touch the dating sites for a while (if ever!)... they are pretty soul-less places, in my vast experience and you don't sound remotely ready just now. Particularly if you still have strong (and especially if mixed up) feelings for your wife.

Trust me... dating sites will add another dimesion to the mess and are unlikely to provide the solution you seek.

Welcome aboard... hope to see you in chat

Shezi