Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

* Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
* The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
* NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorised by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

How Lawyers dont hear what is really said......



Micky Mouse was seeing his lawyers to file a divorce from Minnie. They are having a preliminary meeting when they ask Mickey's lawyer why he is filing for his divorce. The lawyer and Mickey whisper to one another and the lawyer replies "My client beleives that Minnie mouse is silly", to which Mickey blurts out...
"I didn't say that!! I said SHE WAS F*****G GOOFY!!!!!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular woman.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - she should never have gotten down there; send her up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping her."

God says, "Send her back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, "Are all lawyers treated like this?" He was answered, "We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!"

Not jokes exactly but apparently these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place ..allegedly

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________ _________ _________ ______
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> ____________ _________ _________ _______
>

> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to ?

> WITNESS: Oral.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ____________ _________ _________ ________
>
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.