It made me laugh!

oh man that was sooooo excellent - just what I needed!

GETTING A HAIR DRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS!

A distinguished young woman on a flight to Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

What have fire, earthquake, tornado and a divorce have in common??

With them all you can lose your house.

fantastic story

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work
12% On Monday
23% On Tuesday
40% On Wednesday
20% On Thursday
5% On Friday
And help me to remember when I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast

Here's a selection of the listed programmes:

Sky Wan

9am News and whair it's pishin doon

9.30am How claty is yer hoose?

This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish

10am The Mags Hainey Show

Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whair's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?"

12.30pm News and whair it's pishin doon

1pm Neeburs

Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife . This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake

2pm Film

Angels wi Manky Coupons

4pm Tam the Tank Engine

Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits

4.15pm Boab the Builder

Reality show where Boab is investigated by the Inland Revenue

6pm News and whair it's pishin doon

7pm Doaktir Whae

In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver

7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney ******s

Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk

9pm Fitba Player's Burds

Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin baw deep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie

10pm News and whair it's pishin doon

12.30am Merrit Wi Weans

Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' In this week's episode, Al sits in front o' the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole

1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green

The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra

2.15am Close Doon

For translation please pm Rubes

For translation please pm Rubes

cheers for that, Elle!