Ex''s Birthday Dilemma

WR,

I second that,
Forgive and move forwards

Cwtchs
Afon Xx

The concept of forgiveness is an interesting one. Thanks for mentioning it as I think it''s important.

I have forgiven my ex as what he did has no power over me anymore. It was a long, hard process where I successfully managed to let go of what happened and more significantly recognise my part in the way things turned out. My life is better for that learning and understanding no question. I live differently now and everything worked out for the best.

My ability to move forward and reach this level of understanding does not make his behaviour ok. I understand what drew me to someone capable of behaving so badly so I don''t blame him. I made the choices I did. However, forgiveness for me is about understanding, letting go, accepting responsibility for my part and making different choices in my future as a result. It hasn''t involved excusing piss poor behaviour when my ex hasn''t shown remorse or any understanding of his own conduct. For me the latter is about good boundaries. I can''t have people in my life who I can''t trust or who act entirely in their own interest. Forgiveness yes absolutely, saying his behaviour was ok through gestures like champagne, that wouldn''t feel right to me.

That''s just my take on it.

Really interesting thread Stimo and some good points made. Totally understand what you say about someone all but destroying you and bitterness taking so much energy. I hope I am where you are one day and feel able to forgive. You sound like a great guy!

stimo wrote:

(Perhaps she would feel better if I did carry hatred around?) But it just takes more energy than forgiveness.

I like shoes have forgiven my ex and like her I would not accept a gift from my ex. Not because I hate her or anything like that. Its just because she is an ex mostly and I do not want any contact with her. She didnt respect me (like it was with shoe''s and her ex). But thats not the reason. I just dont want to know her and I feel that if I had any contact with her then it may open old wounds which I want closed.

But one thing I do know. I have never got into trouble for the things I didnt do. Its always been for the things I have done.

Back during the troubles.. I bought my ex a watch, bracelet and earrings set. It was for the our anniversary. It was all out in the open by then. And it had been going on for 8 months. So I thought this a nice gesture. And many would agree with me. Parting as friends etc. But it wasnt taken that way. I was marched down to the place where I bought them and she had the money.

You could say that was a cruel thing to do. And it is in a way. But the problem was that this gift caused upset. It didnt have the desired effect.

And this is the problem with gifts of this nature. It may not have the desired effect. She may come round and hurl it thru your window. She could accost you in the car park and you may have it over your head. It may also be that she gets in contact with you and wants to come back into your life. Are these effects what you really want? Sure an ex is an ex and they should stay that way.

You have no way of knowing what will happen. And thinking that doing less causes less harm I think this is what you should do. Nothing. But its your life and your path to follow. You have to do what you feel is right and of course its your mistakes to make.

Lastly. If you want to celebrate, hoist a glass in private or down your local. That way you have done your bit and she is non the wiser. That to me is a good gesture. Thats my thoughts. Marshy.

Heck, think these responses are going to confuse you more than ever but from a female perspective it is a definite no! I would definitely suspect an ulterior motive on receiving your gift but maybe that says more about me than you!! I think it would seriously annoy your ex ''s new partner too. Maybe it would be ok if you saw each other a lot anyway. I would just send a happy birthday email to show goodwill.