Divorce after pain

I haven''t posted in a long while but just felt I needed too just to get others views on this.

A lot of you know I lost my eldest child last year to sudden death.Attending the inquest I learnt that he was receiving conselling due to the bullying he received from my ex husband during his childhood.

A lot of you know the trouble I experienced from my ex husband before we separated and certainly afterwards.

I feel very angry towards my ex husband now because I feel this man has taken the ultimate thing from me my child.

I watch my youngest like a hawk now as I''ve seen the stuff he''s done to him over the last 5 years...but how do you ever move on from this?.

Really sorry I cant help other than to tell you how amazingly strong you are. You need to stay strong for yourself and your loved ones. Im not sure there is a right answer to this other than to love your little one the way you do.
Big hugs, stay strong.

blondecazza wrote:

but how do you ever move on from this?.

Hi BC. I know you of course and I know your story. And my heart goes out to you. You have suffered no question.

For me (and this is not you) I had to forgive my ex. I just had to. Otherwise I would not have the peace I have now. But this I dont think applies to you. At least not yet anyway. But there lies the problem. To fully get over this you need to forgive. And judging by the way things have been going. I dont think thats possible for you right now. So in my mind I think eventually you will need to forgive. Just not yet. But there is another forgiveness. And I think this one is the most important. Its self forgiveness.

Now I am not saying you have anything to forgive yourself for. But thats not the point of self forgiveness. Self forgiveness is all about no matter what, your forgiven. When you do that, all the guilt and remorse you feel floats away. Of course this is not the full monty. Its part of the way there. But this may ease your pain. So I want to say some words to you about you and your part in all this.

No one wishes on themselves all that you have had to deal with. And I would go on to say that your not guilty of any of it. You were unlucky to meet this man. Ok you got some great kids out of it but still, it didnt work out too well. But thats not your fault. You did all that you could. And the result was that you was used and abused by this man. Thats his problem not yours.

When I was a child I used to believe that it was my fault that I was abused. Same when I was married. It was my fault. Except it wasnt my fault. I was a child of course when I was a child and it wasnt my fault then. And it wasnt my fault when I was an adult. Me, you and the man in the moon cannot stop someone trying to abuse us. And for me, I needed to forgive myself that. And its the same for you. Nothing you did or what your kids did warranted the abuse. So you can shed the guilt and forgive yourself for that. Like I did.

Lastly. You keep coming back BC. That means that your a trier. And triers always get rewarded eventually. Ok no question you have a mountain to climb. But you are trying to climb it. And you have not curled up in a ball. You keep battling on. And for that I commend you. Marshy.

HI,

I gotta go with Marshy. Forgiving yourself will help.
I know your anger also, i lost someone close to me in an horrific manner .
The guy that took that person away. Can i forgive him.. Not at this moment, he can rot in hell. I get our wise one on forgiving ourselves.

I am work in progress on forgivness of a certain evil person .

So , BC. Wise words from Marshy. And , you got a great deal support here amongst your Wiki friends.

Hey, i put a punch bag in my garage, and mentally put that ***** in it . It gets some serious welly .

Warm Thoughts for you BC.
x
d

Thank you guys especially you Marshy...and Declan i like the idea about the punchbag ha ha.xx

Hello Blonde Cazza,

I''m glad you knew to return to wiki for help.

You''ve suffered so many losses and there is only so much of that you can take. Coping with the death of your child in such circumstances and a devastating divorce probably feels overwhelming with the "unfairness" of it all. It is unfair. I understand and my heart goes out to you.

It''s natural to feel anger towards the abuser. I don''t know anyone who wouldn''t feel consumed with anger in your shoes. But like Marshy says, it''s not the time right now for you to forgive and let go. You have a lot of grieving to go through first. Are you having help with that?

You have an unusually heavy burden to carry and it may be best to not even try. Just get by one day at a time by leaning on friends at home and us here in wiki. xx

Thank you Mitcham.

The coroner had asked me to see a bereavement consellor as it''s such a complex case.

I don''t think though the conselor could tell me anything I don''t already know.

I try and help others that have gone through loosing someone but doesn''t seem many people that have gone through down my path though so they could advise.

It''s heart breaking to hear from my son''s friends though how much he disliked his step father for what he did to him.

I truly hope time does heal all wounds because right now my heart is broken.