single life

Not a question, just an observation.
My daughter and I popped into a pub on the way back from a much delayed hospital appointment, as neither of us had lunch, coming straight from work.
We got to pub at about 5.15.
There were 2 couples and 8-10 single men on their own.
It is much easier for men to go to the pub alone but is this what they have given up family life for. Im sure some of them probably just popped in for a pint on the way home but they seemed very lonely.
I remember saying to my Councillor that I was worried my stbx would end up sad and alone. She said he wouldnt be sad because it is what he wants.
I am left very sad that this is all life has for some. I get very lonely in the house on my own but I have loads of friends and my children are always on the phone,fb and skype.

Hi there,

I know how you feel. Separation and divorce leave a terrible feeling of waste. It used to make me feel sad seeing couples together, looking "normal". I''m a bloke and I never go to pubs on my own as I can''t bear to be alone. At least you have your friends and family even though your house is empty.

Take care.

I hate supermarket shopping as its full of families doing normal things. I buy my ready meals in the local garage. No real planning as far as meals go.
I would love to pop down to our local, we used to go most weeks, but not something I could ever do on my own. My stbx has moved to a town so he can pop to the pub at ever opportunity. That`s where the changes first started to show. He would walk 2 miles on country lanes to go to pub for a few pints. Became more important than his family over a number of years.
Hope things are sorting themselves out for you.

Hi everyone,
I used to feel this way too...especially in the lead up to Xmas I could not bear to buy gifts and decorate the tree...but right at the 11th hour the xmas mood hit me and the kids and I put up a beautiful tree together.

I realized then that the beginning of recovery involved 2 things..the first and most major is to start thinking about what YOU want, what YOU like and the goals and dreams you have for yourself...and the 2nd small little trick that has helped me immensely is to create small rituals for myself. For me with my children it involved new family traditions, new ways of doing things and new things that we do as our special little ''thing'' when we are together.

Other rituals that have made the difference are ones of self care. Very simple again, lighting a beautiful smelling candle as soon as it gets dark, doing some stretching, writing in my journal and making plans. These things sound tiny, but repeated and built upon, they become a part of who you are and an expression of how you would like to live...sorry if I'' raving.

to help answer the first question, which cannot really be, as so many people are in for different reasons. But, in my experience men find sitting in a pub for a couple of pints a relaxing experience, it is down time, from work, DIY, chores at home, perhaps for some the wife and children. And I do not mean that in a bad way, in for an hour and home again. Am sure that many men appreciate that and it does not matter if there is no one in the pub, a good person behind the bar and perhaps a newspaper is all that is needed. So I do not neccessarily think they are all lonely.

I found having worked for 30 years full time+ straight with no breaks, I needed that release, whereas my wife worked part time and she could find the downtime during the week and days off where she visited friends, went shopping, walks and generally had a lot more time to relax, in between of course having the children to consider.

So we all relax in different ways and for many men a good pub is where we find it, but I know that can be a puzzle for some as to why.

When I was married and had a family I would never have gone anywhere on my own. I used to think that those that sat on there own were maybe a bit sad? Lonely?

All that changed when I divorced. I found that I was one of those sado''s. Until one day.

I didnt meet this person. I never spoke to him. It was in a Costa coffee shop. I was sat in there filling out an application to join a charity shop as an assistant. But this person looked so together. So comfortable on his own. I wanted to be that person. And years later I was.

I often go to places on my own. Have a pint or a coffee whip my ipad out and do some browsing or read a paper if there is one there. And I dont bother about it anymore. I used to be really self conscious about going shopping. Now I dont notice families or wives shopping for families. And at the times I go its mostly singles in the single checkout anyway. You get used to it and you also get comfortable in your own skin. Marshy.

Thanks for replies, makes interesting reading.
My stbx had plenty of down time. Although he worked every hour god sent whilst the children were young, doing as much over time as poss, to the point of being prevented from doing any more. Over the recent 5 years he has done hardly any. Slashing his wages by half, which probably had an ulterior motive.
He had approx 3 months holidays a year and working shifts meant he would have 4-6 days off every 10 days.
He became more dependent on the bottle, even the children used to comment in the end.
Hoping that he can at last find out what makes him happy. It just seems very sad that he goes forward into retirement without the "family" he supposedly worked so hard for. Although he takes most of the money he saved out with him, tight was his middle name.
Lost in transit springs to mind.