Redwine
Firstly let me say I do not know the law in NI, but can comment on your post from an England/Wales perspective.
You are concerned that your solicitor is not doing the best job he can for you, from what you have told us (and obviously there may be more I don't know) but it appears to me that he is trying to manage your expectations, rather than sell you short.
He is correct that your ex's pension will not be offset against the equity £ for £. The equity is available now to be spent on whatever you like, the pension is not available for nigh on 20 years and has to stay a pension providing an income.Secondly - why would you want to offset the pension, it appears that by doing so you will have the home but no money to live on in retirement, would it be at all possible to split the equity (you will probably be entitled to a larger percentage of the equity than him as you have to house your 10 year old for the next 8 years)without offsetting, down size the house using your share of the equity and savings,
and ask for a percentage of the pension so you have both housing and an income in retirement?
An income of £45K pa will give your stbx an income of £2,700 pcm. Assuming he does not have your youngest for overnight stays (if he does then reduce any
child maintenance by 1/7th for each night with stbx) then his CSA liability is £405 pcm. He is not liable to pay any child maintenance at CSA rates for the 19 year old.
With a 10 year old a judge would expect you to work and contribute to financially supporting the family. You will not be entitled to benefits with the level of savings you have, but the benefit system would also expect you to be a job-seeker and would refuse to pay out if they felt you were not looking for work or restricting the type of work you wanted.
Your stbx's solicitor would state you are receiving global maintenance of £405 CM and £99 SM pcm, unless you apply for Ancillary Relief you are in fact receiving nearly £100 pcm than he has to pay you.
It would appear that you would have a good case for applying for ancillary relief in the short term, however is your husband paying anything else (maybe not to you directly but to the "family home") who pays the mortgage, council tax, gas bill, car insurance etc? If he is still paying these then add them up and work out exactly what percentage of his salary because you don't want to apply for AR if this means you are going to get a sum lower than you "receive" (albeit unseen) now.
I know this is bad news, and am often accused of being "blunt", but I firmly believe that people should be aware of the full state of play financially in order to make objective decisions. I suspect your solicitor is similarly minded rather than not doing a good job for you.