help!!!!

You seem to be making it an all or nothing scenario.
The daughter in law doesn't like you that's fine.
He sees the grandchild and his son and her when you aren't there.
what's the problem with that?
Were you living with him full time then?
You're up against some animosity from the kids or in particular this one daughter in law.Women can be right bxtches nothing new there.
This blokes head is confused on one hand his got family loyalty and the other he's got the new woman.
Now in an ideal world you'd all get along.
But the world ain't ideal.
So you've got a bitchy daughter in law( who hasn't)
The kids feel threatened by the mata hari new woman who is gonna steal their inheritance after 40 years of seeing stable Dad now he's off with some new woman.
That's what is really going down here.
Just stay friends go out on dates have your own houses and see how things pan out.
If you love him you'll take the pressure off the bloke and the ultimatum away that the kids /kids partners have made of choose between us or her.
My angle looks a better way of dealing with it than you and him are making of dealing with this problematic situation.
You'll have a bit of time to review your options too that way.
If that then doesn't work for you then you can call it a day.
All this I won't be friends with him you're cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Smoooth and easy you need to handle this one.
Not a bunch of people making kneejerk emotional decisions based on ultimatums.
You're not seeing the wood for the trees you tell him you don't have to pick the children are obviously a bit threatened we'll cool it back a bit love.You come out of it smelling of roses.
Make the relationship a bit more easy.Few meals out,odd weekend away plenty of the other I bet he won't be putting the daughter in laws thoughts up there for that long.
All the best
Pete xx

Cinder.

The 'I cant just be friends' comments I think show that your not ready for a relationship either.

If the problem is his family and the pressure they are putting on him, then you wont be helping giving him stress with either / or demands as haway says step back, relax and let time heal the siutation.

You might not get the 'relationship' you want with him but you might get a good friend and friendship is the best base for a lasting relationshp.

oh mannnnnnnnnnnnn

i have not given any ultimatums at all, i just thought that we should have addressed the problem with the daughter in law (who i may add is living seperatly now from the son, so pulling everyones strings, having a break!)
Im not living with him Pete, God no, I have my own house, own income and own pension.(for when i retire, not just yet) Yes indeed there is a big thing, sugested by his sister after she quizzed me on my former matrimonial home, that I am indeed after his newly remortgaged house and the childrens inheritence, I have financially more than him, but of course they dont know that!
It isnt me that has the grandchild problem, hey i cant see her, but shes not mine is she and as this particular girl wont let the real grandmother see her its not a problem to me, but it is to himm because he can see her stopping him seing her too because of me.
Friends is purely dependent on your definition dont you think? And indeed your definition of a reltionship, I have no wish to marry, cohabit etc but as pete says a few meals, weekends away and plenty of hte other....so where does the friendship and reltionship definiton start and finish, surely the sex makes it more than a friendship? or have we all been taken in bu the term friends with benefits

My opinion is that if you stay 'friends' with him in the hope that eventually he will realise what a catch you are - you could be wasting time and miss other opportunities.

Or what if you stayed 'friends' with him, secretly still loving/deeply caring about him and he met someone else?

Ask yourself is he worth waiting for - even with no 'happy ever after' guarantee (no relationship has this though)? Do you get enough out of the relationship to enable you to put up with interfering/nasty family members? From what he says or what he does do you get the signals that he wants to be with you?

Big hugs

WR x

Cinders

From another view my stbx left for another woman two years ago. My children 17 & 21 refuse to see her now ( son met her once but was not impressed). My stbx said they had to accept her well they haven't and os he sees them on his own ( when he can be bothered) but it shows as Pete says you can keep relationships seperate. By the way my kids feel she will benefit from what should have been their inheritance and I must admit so do I. I have put 25 years into a relationship for her to come along and say " we can buy a bungalow when you get your half of the money" and she has her own house as well. Lovely woman.

i can totally understand the inheritence thing, however, strange as it may seem, we did discuss it at one point and said if we had ever lived together etc we would have rented out our houses and lived on the rental, keeping our childrens inheritence protected. Although mine are of the opinion it should be spent by me!
I agree also that the two relationships could be kept seperatly,but i think the issue should be dealt with, possibly im wrong and it should be just left but the little things filtering through like her calling me names, her banning me from seeing the child etc obviously scare him big time as he has already lost so much

Unfortunately it is not possible to change how people feel and if he is scared of losing his extended family he probably isn't willing to antagonise them any more than they already are.

I wouldn't worry about what they call you that is their problem and it looks as if you continue to push this he will come down in favour of them. Just my view for what it is worth.

It is very hard though as stbx family have tried to tell me how I should be living and how I should behave, well I no longer have contact with them as I feel it is none of their business but that's just me.