Is adultery now a major epidemic???

Matthew 5:32 "whoever divorces his wife for any reasonn except sexual immorality commits a sin" - sexual immorality includes adultery.

I agree people should not have to stay married if unhappy, but it seems that some people are not prepared to work at anything these days.

I think the worst types of people are the ones who have an adulterous affair and wait until they feel that there is a future in that relationship before leaving the wife/husband.

When my friend''s husband told her he was leaving for another woman she was naturally devastated. What hurt her more was after he left her she found proof that he had had affairs throughout their marriage. When she questioned him he told her that he had been looking for someone to leave her for for years!

How rotten! If he had left when he knew he was going to leave one day, my friend would have had a better chance of starting a new life herself. She is now 56 and just feels her whole marriage was a sham.

LMM - I''m sorry but I think that is a bit of a cop out. ''I had an affair because you make me unhappy'' - no - I did everything to support my ex and kids. He did everything to make himself happy (motorbike etc). He has issues (in my opinion)that he refused to address. If you are unhappy a) address what is making you unhappy and try to mend it within the marriage, b) end the marriage without adultary. Then move on. At least value the person you once claimed to love - and probable a co-parent. Ask yourself what you can do to re-establish love. It doesn''t just happen - it needs to be nurtured. It is not a god given right.

I am not a subscriber to this theory that people get driven to affairs and forced into the arms of another due to the conduct of their spouse.

There is no excuse for adultery.

I would not want someone to be with me if they were unhappy but it is a basic right to have proper notice that the relationship is in trouble, the spouse is unhappy and the end being properly negotiated without someone else being lined up. The biggest betrayal for me was being denied that basic right.

I personally think that people accept that relationships can run their course, it is the way the ending is reached that causes so much pain for the spouse and the children. Because it is not just the act of cheating that is damaging, it is all the desperately awful behaviour that the adulterer exhibits which seems to be an inevitable consequence of their actions.

If adultery is driven primarily by the conduct of the spouse do we see so much wavering and adulterers wanting to return to the spouse? It is well documented in various pieces of well respected research that affairs rarely have anything to do with the spouse. An affair in my view is a poor problem solving technique for feelings of inadequacy or confusion in the adulterer not least driven by a fear of being alone. This is supported by the appalling success rates of relationships that start as an affair.

Affairs are far more likely to be driven by emotional unavailability in the adulterer. Now, for me personally, where my responsbiliity for the mess caused by by Stbx lies is to establish the reasons I ended up married to someone capable of treating me so badly. That is far more relevant for my future so mistakes are not repeated. So my personal view, is that my culpability is to work out why I did not spot the key characteristics of my Stbx personality that meant he would behave towards me with such disrespect and have a complete lack of integrity. Because I now know the reasons why I did not see the signs and I accept my responsbiliity for the choices I made to be with him and stay with him. It is clear that this does not make his adultery my fault.

I did all the right things in my marriage for all the wrong reasons. I have taken the time to learn and grow from the appalling experience I have been through. As for my adultererous husband he is running about thinking that lying and cheating will make him happy. I pity him now. Very sad existence.

So in response to the original point, I think that it is no more or less likely now than it was in the past to be cheated on. I think the throwaway society now means that people think spouses can just be replaced. But i think people jump very quickly into full in relationships these days and I would put affairs into that category. You can''t just replace decades of a life together by binning off the spouse and getting someone else. The belief From the adulterer that they can is delusional thinking. That''s why in my view affairs are such a poor technique for resolving feelings of inadequacy and why so many cheaters waver.

For the most part i would agree with Mike, happily married people don`t tend to have affairs, though there do seem to be some promiscuous people who just can`t help themselves.

The bug bear for me is that if you don`t want to be with someone anymore married or not, then don`t be but don`t cheat on them, that`s what i will never understand.

a very controversial topic!!

No YA, my stbx didn''t just choose a mum at the school gates! That was just a figure of speech. They both sneaked about together for at least 6 months. (this time round).

This is such an interesting topic, LMM I''m afraid I don''t agree with what you have said, in that yes, there must be problems in a marriage for the adultery to startt, but I wouldn''t say one is driven to it. The person having the affair should be brave enough to try and solve the problem first at all lengths and then and only then, if all else fails agree a split, not carry on behind your back. Also, as in my case continue physical relations with both myself and the OW, YUck, putting me at danger of some nasty disease!!! Also not to send cards for anniversary or birthday or their undying love for you and how they are looking forward to the future???? Is this the sign of an unhappy man? pre- booking the next family holiday???
If the person who is being cheated doesn''t have a clue that things aren''t right.

And Haway I agree with your comment too, but also from the other perspective, why should the stbx be rewarded with so much and be able to lie and cheat his way through the the finances at the detriment of our children as a ''reward''.

Survive
x

Thank you Shoegirl!

Shoegirl wrote:-

It is well documented in various pieces of well respected research that affairs rarely have anything to do with the spouse. An affair in my view is a poor problem solving technique for feelings of inadequacy or confusion in the adulterer not least driven by a fear of being alone.

I totally agree that affairs are symptoms of much bigger pictures. My STBX used to get annoyed if the children and I were out when he would come home from work to " an empty house", which for a grown man seemed strange. But this also was similar in the way that he dealt with relationships. It is only now, after nearly 20 years together, that I have looked back at his pre-marital relationships, I should have read the warning signs, he went from one failed relationship to another, without having a Clean Break from any of them and had the next one lined up before moving out and moving on. It is like he has a fear of being on his own. He was also quite vocal over the years about how cruel he was to each of his victims, when they finally realised he had moved on to someone else! He thought it was funny. Why ohh why did I not think he was capable of doing this to me too!

This has carried on since our split. OW No 1 was binned whilst OW No 2 (current piece of skirt) was being tried and tested, whilst silently pushing his slippers under her bed. He just can not seem to do the decent thing and finish one relationship cleanly.

Like you Shoegirl all I can feel is pity for him!

I too have had a long hard look at why I stuck by someone for so long when he clearly was the wrong fit for me and staying with someone who treated me so badly. I am working on this at all costs as I never ever want to go down that road again.

Like most here, I do think that relationships may run their course, but it is how the ending is played out. There is no excuse for adultery, none.

What happened to common courtesy, dignity and respect. Making a clean break from your spouse leaves way for a different type of relationship in the future, especially where children are concerned. But when a 3rd party is involved, all affairs do is leave way for an acrimonious split, which could have been avoided, had the guilty party just had the backbone to call it a day, before moving on to their next victim!

Take care for now FoS x

I think an affair can happen for many many different reasons.

A friend of mine was very relieved when she discovered her ex was having an affair, at last she had a valid reason for ending her marriage. She had been very unhappy for years, but stayed for the children, finally she was free. He didnt deny the affair. They quickly divorced and all assets shared fairly. They are now good friends and often meet up for dinner with their new partners.

My partners ex wanted out of the marriage for many years but my partner just didnt want his children to be from a separated parents so he tried to make the marriage work, she didnt and she went on to have an affair. She got what she wanted out of the marriage, but has discovered the grass isnt greener the other side and is still very unhappy.

Sadly many wiki members have be married to people who are unable to discuss their unhappiness, have managed to hide the fact they were being unfaithful from their spouse. The fall out from their actions are the last thing on their minds.

From what I have read on this site, I have come to the conclusion its not necessarily the affair, but the denial and quilt when the affair is discovered, that makes the quilty party behave extremely badly to the other party that cause the damage