Step-Family Advice and Help

somuch2know2 - I think it would be better to start talking a little about your girlfriend to the children now instead of just shocking them with her in the New Year.

As regards buying a house together, it will be your and your girlfriends, so I dont think having the children at the house and turfing your girlfriend out is very fair (on girlfriend).

Maybe you could even take the kids (and of course your girlfriend) to look at houses you are interested in buying because obviously they will (hopefully) be eventually spending time at the new house with you.

I have tried mentioning my girlfriend on a few occasions- like this weekend when we are going to a wedding. What followed was an angry text from my ex saying my kids arent interested in what I do with her and to put them first. Yep- this is the irrationality I have to deal with, and it rubs off on them. I mention her and the two older ones hang up the phone on me. I dont bother mentioning her to the youngest as our conversations are about rainbows and ponies:)

As for taking them to look at houses, that is sooooo far from where we are now emotionally. Like I said, I cant even mention her name. My biggest fear is the more time goes on without them meeting her, the more they and my ex will build her up in their heads as a monster.

Hi Somuch

Well, your kids obviously know about your girlfriend (thanks to your ex, so at least it wont come as a surprise to your kids when you start talking about her. Only downside is you cant do a softly softly approach!

So, what would i do?
The first thing would probably be to sit kids down (older ones anyway) and make it extremely clear, that whilst you may not have gone about things correctly that your marriage was not sustainable and seperation would have been the outcome anyway. It is you they should have an issue with, not your gf.
My mum ran off with another man when i was 20 and for a couple of years i blamed him, it was easier to blame a stranger than my own parent!

I would avoid talking about her on the phone (hanging up is all too easy when you dont have to face someone- or something you dont want to hear). Instead i would just start mentioning her more casually, they know she exists and that you see her. What are they going to do? Storm out of the house? If you then get abusive messages from ex just ignore them!

In new year i dont think its fair on either your kids or your gf to pretend she isnt there if they stay over. You are just prolonging the enevitable.
Instead i would (after talking about her more) in next couple months say that you want them to meet her (for a very short time), maybe somewhere where focus not all on her (you take kids bowling and she pops in for a quick drink)?
See how it goes from there? The key is for them to realise that whilst their parents arent together that the gf isnt such a bad person and their mothers comments are for her own reasons, not for their benefit.
One way or another (if they start to accept or not) i think you can then in NY offer for them to stay round but state gfwill be staying there too as its her home too. However she will be out for the most part?

Just my opinion, but hope it helps
Miss x

I would think that your older two are old enough for you to make the point that you are an adult and you have your own life to lead, and you feel it is time for you to move forward in a positive way with your life.

Stress that this in no way affects your love or commitment for them and that you are there for them. Try to relate it to their personal experience of something, when they have been adamant that they did not want to do something and then with time, matured and found that, actually, it wasnt that bad, and they moved on themselves because they were ready at that point to do so.

I found with my teenage boy that pointing out that he was constantly wanting to be online with or at his mates houses meant that there was space for me to move on a little as he no longer WANTED 24 hour attention and care (other than feeding - lol). To start with I got the constant attention as he felt guilty but the call of the xbox and mates soon dragged him away and he appreciated that he in no way wanted to be my companion 24/7 any more. Maybe some people would say that is using guilt but even in a ''normal'' relationship with a teenager there is the pain of growing apart and establishing independence (on both parts). It is just harder to see the wood for the trees in our circumstances.

How to handle your ex''s comments is another matter and i am not even going to try on that one .

Thanks for you comments downland and miss. You have no idea the hell my wife has made this divorce. I had to go to court to get contact reinstated but as everyone knows she can still make the limited time I have with them difficult. I just dont want to feck up. Things have been good for the past 4 months and i will continue down this track, but I feel like something has got to give.

So I am going to take your advice and start mentioning her in conversation, then before xmas I will introduce her before I take the kids to see panto (not telling their mum).

Worst case- we end up back in court and she tries (as threatened before) to reduce my contact to scheduled calls and even more reduced time.

Best case- The worst is over and all the apprehension and fear is over.

BTW download- I have done all the reassuring and explaining and apologising for the past 15 months- but it means nothing when their bitter mum constantly reinforces that SHE is the reason our family broke up.

I think there are a few separate issues here.

One is that you need to shore up access to your kids. Right now you are seeing them for 6 hours every two weeks. Yikes! You mentioned that the court made that so you could get reintroduced. Sounds like a good idea. What is the next step? If you perform admirably on that for six months do you graduate to overnights? Do you need to go to court to get more access? If yes, then do it. Your kids need more time with you and you have to make sure they get it.

With so little time with your kids I really don''t see the point of introducing them to your girlfriend at all. You have six hours and that can easily be spent with them. Of course, you can mention your gf as she is part of your life but show them through your actions that you are very committed to a relationship with your kids. Make sure they know that there are no conditions on that relationship. If they hate your gf or love her you will still love your kids. Right? They need constant reassurance that you will be there for them. You''re the rock.

At 13 and 17 your older kids are old enough to have a conversation about your gf. A real conversation. Talk to them and listen. Hear about their concerns and fears. Don''t be defensive. Then try to move forward. To them, she is very likely the reason their mum is so unhappy and the reason that they family broke up. Recognize that. Give them hugs and tell them how much you love them. Tell them also that your gf is in your life now and will continue to be so for the near future.

Next, I want you to focus on you. You are doing a lot to appease your ex. You''re also thinking about how your gf will react to all of this as well as your kids. What do you want? How are you going to make that happen? What if the best way to bring your ex onside was to treat her with respect and dignity? To recognize her role as mother of your children and really listen to her fears about the future. To treat her as an important person in your life because she is. Now - don''t get defensive and say but she this and she that. I''m sure you did lots of good stuff and lots of bad too. You''re human. But think for a minute. Could you treat her with more respect? Remember that you''re modeling how a man treats a woman to your kids. I''m not saying to romance her just treat her with dignity. I have seen this work!

I don''t know - maybe she''s crazy and you''re in for a rough ride no matter what?! You married her and had kids with her after all ...

I thought this thread was about step families! You are more likely to get a wider range of responses to a query if you start a separate thread than if you hijack another.