I've ruined my life

Hiya Polar
Thanks for your message of sympathy, i really appreaciate what you said and understand totaly, but my freind was a human and not a pet. I know what your saying though m8, at least a pet will show you loyalty and unconditional love. When i get my own place i might just get myself some four legged company.

Matt x

Yep pets do show unconditional love and are good company in times of need . They also give you a purpose in life. You just cant ignore them. Become part of the family.
Im sorry that your friend departed. Often we think that this is just another blow but in fact as you said they were good for you and you will have fond memories. Things like this do make us stronger. Keep up the posts. Sounds as if you are doing well even if you are on the roller coaster ride.

i was very sorry to read your story. I can only say that i think you are very brave and the first step to any recovery from a dependent habit is admitting it. i know things seem really bleak at the moment and I can only add that in my experience when you have hit rock bottom then the only way to go is up. I,m not excusing your alcohol dependence but i can see its origins. Talk to your doctor as well as AA. There is help out there. i admire you that you have admitted your demons... thats the first step to conquering them, good luck

Thanks again everyone.

Just a footnote to the sort of day I have had so far. The 'fog' is beginning to lift a little. Not I think with regards to the separation, but on my life as a whole.

Let me explain a little.

As I have said, I have been on ADs for quite a while and they appear to have somewhat desensitsed me (almost certainly due to addition of alchohol). I felt 'flat' and without feelings. I didn't have bad days, but I never got excited either. I went ot the GP along with Jane (who is a mental health nurse) to get hime to change my meds, but the ones he gave me were worse, so I stuck with what I was used to.

Today, on travelling back from a job I felt 'alive'. I almost welcomed the emotions I was going through. I felt happy that I was able to cry. It felt good to he hurting. I know this sounds really weird, but trust me, I had begun to think that I was totally emotionless. Goodness knows how I was to Jane (although the current situation is a good hint as to what I was like)

It's still bad to feel alone and wanting, but I now know that I am a human being again and can move on.

I was told in AA (maybe I read it somewhere as well) that there is a 'fog' that lifts. Mine has.

Hello Lsot.
Just a tip for you.
dont get to thinking that the "alive" feeling is gonna be permanent.
We all "slip" from time to time, your AA meetings and new freinds will tell you that.
Try not to come to far, to fast.

Just advice, take it ro leave it.
Just take care.

Matt

Thanks Matt, I am well aware of that. Advice always appreciated though

Well sod the guide books, I've sent Jane a poem I've just written.....

When you told me your were leaving,
You tore my heart in two.
But all I thought of was myself
Alone and without you.
Now I’ve come to realise
You did what you felt best
To make me see the real world
And give my life a rest.
For too long I’ve been dead inside
With no thoughts for you or love
Now I feel half alive again
With a lot more left to prove.
The part of me that died that night
Was a part I’m glad I lost,
For without a new beginning
What would have been the cost?
I know I’ve always loved you
But could never share the fact
I locked my feelings deep inside
Alcohol was my pact.
Now the fog has lifted
It’s plain for me to see
That anguish, hurt and misery
Was all you got from me.
I hope you can forgive me
For causing you such pain
And that someday in the future
We both can love again.

It made her cry