Urgent advise. Agressive eightyear old step son.

Yes I have considered many possibilities, one of them medical/neurological causes. This is because his behavior is strange in other areas, too.

He crawls on the floor instead of walking.
He refuses to eat with ordinary curtly and uses toddler spoons and forks. He will not talk when addressed or will ask his father to ask me something while I am standing right next to him etc. He also lies a lot and for different reasons.

I am trying to explain to my BF that we HAVE to do smthg but he wont listen. I am practically begging him to talk to his ex wife and try to get the child some help but he says she wont do anything and he doesnt have the means to pressure her...

I dont know what to do!
Things are getting worse as he grows up and I dont know where this will lead all of us.

As a step parent kid of, I cannot interfere or discipline, and my BF seems to live in a state of denial.

I am really at the end of my rope.

Heck

Perhaps it is medical, or a case that he has been pandered to soo much that he just expects to get everything his way.

How is he at school, he may be eaten alive at secondary if he continues like this, & if he does act like this at school haven''t they had conversations re SEN, or his needs to stop this behaviour?

As a step parent it will be really hard to have to stand by & watch this being unable to do anything. I would advise the help of a child psychologist to investigate & advise on what to do. When you previously mentioned how he acted I did wonder about autism but am no specialist.

I do hope you get it sorted, have you tried some of the child mental health websites or forums? They may have an insight, but I would say that it needs to be sorted now before he goes to secondary.

Stay strong JJx

Thanks for the advise!

He doesnt have friends at school. He never did. The school report stated this clearly. He plays NEXT to the children but not WITH them. It took him two years to answer a question in the classroom. The teacher that was teaching him French quited as he didnt seem interested or engaged or responsive.

He wants to win in ALL the games and f he doesnt, he either cheats to win, claims that he won or throws a fit and destroys the games/toys etc.

My biggest fear is that he will become a bully or try to and he will really get in trouble as you said.

The other problem is that his sister is being totally ignored and set in the background since ALL the attention is turned towards him nad how a whole family should make HIS life easier by avoiding confrontation/challenges.

I am considering to either ask my ex to keep my son home while he is here from now on or sit down with my BF and tell him that if he doesnt grip in, I will not have the boy visiting here anymore. More to shake my BF up than actually mean it. But I dont know how to make him realize the problem is really serious.

The new school is in France and as it seems they dont know the problem really well yet or we are being kept in the dark...

Hi Chained

Just an observation from what you have said. When he did something to your son and you put your foot down there was no comeback from him, he backed down and behaved. When he wants to address you, he does so through his dad. He does seem to be a very unhappy chappy who probably would love some structure in his life. Forgive me for being so upfront but if any one can give him this structure its probabaly you. At present he probably would not "kick off" with just you, maybe you could start by having some one to one time with him. His dad could give his daughter some one to one time which she would probably apprecitate also.

You are in a difficult position but your partner needs to understand that what he is doing is not working, not for his kids or for you. Disciplining a child and setting down boudaries is not a bad thing, its the opposite and if he can manage to put his foot down he might see a massive improvement in his son.

Take care and I hope you can get this resolved, for the sake of all of you.

LG xXx

Hi Chained. You are between a rock and a hard place. But some basic stuff I reckon I can suggest to you.

It sounds like an attention disorder to me. When someone doesnt know how to get attention. They try a number of things and being bad usually works, so they grow up getting attention the only way they know. By being bad. And its working. Nothing gets attention more than a bad kid.

You have a basic need to protect your own kids and your property though. That comes before anything else. So if this kid is messing with that. You need to act. And of course you have to tread lightly. But thats what you need to do I reckon. In a way that doesnt inflame the situation and is done as lightly and smartly as you can. And if that means excluding someone, then that has to happen. You dont want this behaviour rubbing off on your own kids. And monkey see monkey do. Kids learn by watching and acting out what others do. And you dont want that.

Other thing... You are not responsible for the kids upbringing or behaviour. That mostly rests with the parents. And you have no say in this apart from your own kids and property.

Your other half and his ex need to deal with his behaviour. You venturing into that space will only bring you trouble. Let them deal with him. Stay away from that side of things.

As an aside. I have a friend and her daughter has a son just like the one you describe. He is 9 though so a little bit older. He was spoiled as a child. Way too much stuff given to him and his nan lets him get away with murder. He has everything and no friends. The best of everything. I think he is borderline ADHD. But the symptoms you describe are the same. But my friends daughter is in total despair of this kid. He rules there lives. And its getting to the point where they love time away from him and if they can palm them off on my friend, they do. And the tantrums have to be seen to be believed. I feel for his parents.

Now I dont know the long term implications of having a child that acts this way. But its not good and I feel for you and its going to be tough. And he wont respect you no matter what you do. But, you just have to protect what you have and defend against him and stay out of it. In an appropriate way of course.

Your other half, on his own can do nothing. It needs the cooperation of the parents and if that is lacking (and I am sure it is) then nothing will change. But this cant be your concern. I know you want to put this right. But you cant. And taking out your frustrations on your other half wont help. He knows there is a problem but cant act on his own. And there is no one else to help him. Buck stops with the PWC in this case.

There are no quick and easy answers and it must be very frustrating for you. But there isnt a lot you can do. Sorry I couldnt be more positive and helpful. C.

I was in two minds whether to post this or not. I have no expertise whatsoever, but now Marshy has raised the possibility of attention disorder, I feel slightly more confident.

What you describe exactly mirrors the behaviour of a child who was at primary school with my youngest. The school concluded that he was playing out learned behaviour and so must be in an abusive home; they called in social services. His poor mother had been trying to cope, looking for help and getting none. At least after the case conference the problems were taken seriously. It ended up with a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Ritalin helped. I have no idea how it all turned out in the longer term though.

Hi Chained,

I am really sorry about what I wrote, It doesn''t read well at all. I think what I was trying to say was that he had responded to you when he crossed a line with your son. I saw that as something to build on.

I do not disagree with Marshy when he said that it is the responsibility of his parents to sort this problem out, but when you are dealing with a little one who is obviously hurting in some way, the more that you can all do to help him the better.

Sorry take no notice of me but I do believe that he needs to experience some positives in his life. He just seems very unhappy and without any successes in his life he will keep refering back to bad behaviour because yes this is how he is getting attention.

Sorry hope I haven''t caused offence.

LG