Controlling jealous STBX

Don''t know where to start with this but will have a go, just trying to gauge what is reasonable I suppose.

Marriage been pretty crap for the whole twenty years. ( yes yes I know!)
One daughter of 16. Always felt downtrodden, controlled and abused by a totally overpowering wife who regards herself as "strong". Did all the tick box tests and have been aware I am married to a control freak who was making my life a misery for years. Always thought would get our daughter through paid education and then leave.

A while ago she lost her Dad, which was a catalyst and she decided to go. Rented a house, left being egged on by her family. I changed my work pattern to look after our daughter who stayed with me in the FMH and settled into a rather pleasant routine. She funded her house rental from her Dads estate, although not a lot of money.

I was a little lonely and threw myself into a couple if things sport wise (daughter day boards at school so had a fair bit of time to myself) and was just trying to rebuild. Got in touch with old friends etc I had neglected. Went on a few dates through online stuff, more as social/company than anything else. As ex had access to house for small business she came and went as she liked. One day, I had left computer open and she read emails and replied to three women I had been in contact with to "warn them off me". Two were friends and saw straight through it, but I had had a couple if dates with one and liked her. Needless to say she didn''t want someone like my ex in the background and finished it. No big deal as probably only friendship but found it extremely upsetting that she could still interfere with my life. It all came out then, she still loved me, wanted me back etc etc. She had been to Counselling and as she now knew how controlling she was could. "Fix it". In fact this revaluation had the opposite effect on me and made me reel. I had been saying it for twenty years!!

I rejected her advances. A mutual friend also told me she moved out as she thought it would make me miss her and want her back. It had the opposite effect as I realised how peaceful and blissful life was without her.
Dating continued, but was becoming bored with it. A lot if very boring people playing it safe trying to piece back together what they had lost through divorce. And then I met someone really great. Funny funny girl, got on line a house on fire, same humour and outlook, a kind thoughtful and gentle girl. It opened my eyes. A few dates in she is traveling to me (she lives 40 odd miles away) as a change if scenery. My sixteen year old daughter was due at her Mums but it didn''t work out so was here. As new girl was coming over for day we needed a base, somewhere to relax in between being out and about etc. although it was early I felt OK with her meeting daughter, it''s not as if she is a little child. When telling daughter I had met someone she was genuinely pleased and asked about her. So that''s what happened. Met, all got along fine between us going out and about.

It''s a couple of months now, and the relationship is growing stronger my the day. Had a short break together etc. taking it steady and no plans whatsoever other than enjoying time together. Still only met daughter the one occasion and I have not met her kids as only 4 and 6 although we are talking about it. Problem is that ex is being quite threatening, and I feel fearful she will try to sabotage the relationship. As she has spent all her money she is moving back to the FMH and as I want to continue my new relationship am moving out and renting. Ex thinks she can still control, telling me I cannot come within certain distance if house etc, which is rubbish I know. When I was away with new girl snd she parked her car in road nearby ex was nosing in it trying to find her name or anything about her. She scares me as this appears to be the start of a good and strong relationship. Ex tells me I should not take her to certain places (where we went) and that I shouldn''t introduce her to people we knew together. I can''t even remember life before ex it was so long ago. It''s all still very controlling and jealousy is obviously playing a big part. She now doesn''t talk to me at all and says she wants to know nothing about new girl but she makes things up about her which is untrue and if believe probably poisons daughter too. I know my daughter liked new girl a lot.

Once I move out on 25th October it should get easier but I am fearful ex will try something. Is there anything I can do to stop her. Are my fears justified by experiences others have gone through? I have now filed for divorce on grounds of her unreasonable behaviour.

Hi Geldap

Sorry about that was replying & computer cut off!!! technology & me dont mix.

I am presuming that your daughter is in the FMH with you & your stbx & will remain so once you leave?

Basically, imo I would get the divorce, contact & financials etc etc sorted (via mediation if you can) out before you start any new relationships, as this may be easier for all.

However, if this is not the case then yes your stbx may ''do something'' she is hurting although she may have instigated this in the beginning perhaps she expected you to come running & unable to cope, perhaps she wasn''t really wanting to split at that time - who knows.

You are where you are, & if you haven''t already I suggest you speak to your NG & explain the situation - it may mean the end but it may not only the 2 of you can decide this.

Get your divorce sorted, get yourself sorted & your daughter & then move on.

Stay Strong JJx

Hi JJ and thanks for reply. Yes, NG knows the situation and is fortunately very understanding. I am just not prepared to give up a new relationship as then that effectively shows the controlling ex that she can still control and manipulate a situation even after divorce. I''m thinking that once I move out I can just sever all contact with ex as daughter is 16 and I can communicate directly with her as to when she is coming to me etc.

There will have to be some communication on house sale, mediation etc. I suppose I was really wondering if anyone here has had similar experience with a jealous STBX? Did the situation calm once moved out? And if if doesn''t what can I do??

It just seems rediculous that someone has to alter their behaviour to fit with someone they are divorcing and that she thinks she has the right to affect my life going forward even after divorce. But it''s all OK as she can just put it down to "emotion".

It is advised that you shouldn''t move out until all of the finances etc are settled.

Your stbx has no right to affect your future life and you need to make it very clear to her that you will communicate to her with regards to the divorce and your daughter but that is all.

Only you can stop her controlling you and your life in the future like she has done in the past. You can''t change the behaviour of your stbx but you can alter the way you react to it.

She can''t go on throughout her life just blaming her ''emotions'' for behaviour. If she does she may find that she at some point falls down to earth with a big thump!

If she continues to threaten or harass you or your new partner then you could take out an injunction against her, but this could cause further issues.

Why is it advised to not move out until finances settled. She moved out but moved back in when she blew all her money. Surely if you jointly own the home and mortgage you have the right to reside there too. That''s what it said on the letter I got from her sol.

geldap wrote:

Why is it advised to not move out until finances settled. She moved out but moved back in when she blew all her money. Surely if you jointly own the home and mortgage you have the right to reside there too. That''s what it said on the letter I got from her sol.

Exactly.... You have a right to reside there too so why move out?

I''m moving out because she has made my life there untenable andcibeishbto persue a new relationship in peace. I do hear something about a "6 month rule" when not living in the family home, even though I will contribute financially. Will I reduce the amount I get if I do move out for more than six months?