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Hi

Are you divorcing in the UK? I ask because irreconcilable differences is not one of the grounds for behaviour in the UK, but is in the US. The grounds for divorce in the UK are:
2 years separation with consent, 5 years separation without consent, desertion, unreasonable behaviour and adultery.

Dealing with someone with a difficult personality will be stressful. You may find it is easier to capitulate on some things than get into a fight over them.

Whether he has a personality disorder is pretty much irrelevant. You can''t use an armchair diagnosis as some kind of evidence, so the only thing that matters is that you know his personality. By all means warn your solicitor that he is a difficult person to deal with, and you may find if he is particularly erratic that your solicitor asks about his mental health.

Ultimately though it''s irrelevant. You have to deal with this person the same way as everyone else going through divorce; try to predict their behaviour and decide for yourself whether you want to fight or give in on each issue by weighing up the costs to your emotional health and the bill you''re likely to get from your solicitor against what you hope to gain.

Hi Giselle,

It seems from your post that you''ve accepted you''ve reached a point of no return and you know that despite your best efforts, staying together is no longer an option. You''re very wise to have arranged therapy to get through this.

I imagine leaving someone who is showing symptoms of a personality disorder, albeit undiagnosed, isn''t going to be easy. However, you''ve been married a long time, so have intimate knowledge of his likely reactions.

As it''s undiagnosed, simply warning your solicitor that he may become difficult is good advice from u6. The lawyer will almost certainly have dealt with similar people anyway.

You will go through a roller coaster of emotions and this is a time to surround yourself with as many strong allies as you can to help you cope.

Take good legal advice; lean on reliable and supportive family and friends whose opinions you value; find any support groups in your community and Forums like this one; keep seeing your therapist - in fact anyone who can support you now.

Mitchum

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Hi

I''m 2 years down the line with a NPD which shares a lot of the same traits as BPD. Bear in mind abandonment is a big issue for them and the stress will make the PD worse. Be aware of your own part in the dance, use your therapy, for example, I''m sure that after 30 years you can do placatory and not asserting yourself pretty well. I went through a whole year and £20K trying to get voluntary disclosure to keep the temperature down and got nowhere. Meanwhile he spent a fortune on his new girlfriend, cars, holidays, fine dining etc. Eventually started financial proceedings and it all kicked off but sadly it is the only way. Make sure you have a friend who you can call day or night for support and/or whose doorstep you can turn up on if it gets really nasty. Good luck.

giselle wrote:

Does anyone out there have any advice on how I should approach things? Do I tell my solicitor I think he has mental health issues (I''ve hinted, but it seems unfair since they are undiagnosed)

How can we avoid it being a blood bath?

I used to be married to a dysfunctional person. And I have an idea of what it must have been like for you. But 31 years!! If there were medals awarded for this you would be up for a solid gold version. I only did 12 and I have no idea what 31 must have felt like..

I got the boot cos she met someone else. Hoo flippin ray.. Ok you wont feel like this now. And it will be a wrench.

I have some words to impart on you and its to do with afterwards when this is all over.

You wont believe the way things will be afterwards. All that pain and difficulty will be gone and it can change in a day. Well it did for me cos I left. The following day I awoke to calm and silence. I cant tell you how wonderful that was. It was like waking up in heaven. And there is not a day goes by that I dont thank my lucky stars for getting out when I did.

But this is what I want you to focus on. A time when he is not there. A time when this is over. I think this is very important. It was for me anyway. To keep your eye on the prize of not having him with you.

And to get this prize, you have to just do it. Dont worry about how he will react. You will have to weather that storm what ever it is. No one can know what will happen.

One last thing on worrying about what may happen is that it probably wont happen. If he has someone new, he will hopefully focus everything on that new person. And that essentially is what happened to me. All the promises of bad things that would befall me at her hands, didnt happen. I got forgotten about. It was a massive anti climax. Which is good. It will be alright. You will see. Just concentrate on getting this man out of your life. C.

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