How do you move on?

Dear PJ
massive hugs from me(((()))) I was married 30 yrs very happy marriage then my world exploded, my husband did as yours is now, I really really hope I am wrong, but it points to an affair, its text book so sorry my darling but, thats what it looks like, its awful horrible, and as I say I could be completely wrong but having been through this, I now see the horrible signs, you take care and I really hope Im wrong. xxxxxxxx

Jane it pains me to say this because I don''t want to hurt you and because I expect you won''t be able to accept it. When I was in your shoes I was told this over and over again but it did not dent my conviction that I was right and everything would be okay if he just gave it a chance. But honey:

If he says it is over it is.

Well they were all right and I was wrong. I thought I loved him enough and I bought the idea that everything was all my fault, so it followed that if I could change - and I could, I was sure - then everything would be fine.

Wrong.

And bear in mind that mine walked out on his wife and family suddenly the very day we were due to begin couples counselling. I knew things were bad and we were in a rut but it would never have occurred to me that we would separate. I had organised the counselling to make our marriage better.

We went to counselling together for a year after that but he was lying throughout so it was no use. What a waste of time, effort and money.

Now I am in therapy myself and finding it very helpful. But although I thought I was, I now realise that I probably was not ready to be receptive until recently. It has taken a good long while and many many people telling me but it''s only now that I am being forced to consider that I might not be a bad person. I realise this is a problem that predates my marriage.

Not saying it is the same for you, and I realise from reading other people''s posts here that I am pretty slow on the uptake but really it is so early for you. Give yourself some time. It took you a long time to build up your ideas about yourself and your x and love. You can''t expect yourself to embrace the new reality overnight.

Try to take it as easy as possible. I know it is not easy. I am still not sleeping nearly two years on. And I am in the thick of a divorce nightmare and desperate finances and other family issues. But I am feeling better about me and better about the fact that my marriage is over.

You will get there.

Nell

That''s it !! I blame myself for the problems and so I feel that I can sort it if I can just get him to listen and for him to understand how sorry I am for whatever he thinks I''ve done wrong and how much I love him. I don''t feel I''ve been given that chance.

PJ

You say that you want him to understand that you are sorry for whatever he thinks you''ve done wrong - but why should you feel sorry for what he thinks? What do YOU think? I doubt if the problems are all your fault and blaming yourself won''t help.

However much you may want to fix things, the sad fact remains that it takes 2 people to make a marriage and only 1 to end it.

Eliza

Thanks so much for being so blunt - I don''t want to accept what you say but know that you are right. Heart rules head! And the alternative is just too scary to contemplate.

PJ

PJ
I think that in the beginning all of us refused to accept that it was over but given time you will see that it is. Oh I bent over backwards to try and make it work...and behind my back she was laughing.
Fiona is right. Early days to accept that you will have to make a new life.
The hardest thing to accept is that your life will never be the same again. That does not mean that it will be bad !!
Moving on was your OP so its time to organise the basics. i.e.running a house, can you afford things or will you have to make cutbacks etc. If you can get ''''normal'''' everyday things running smoothly then this will be your first step. Then start to clear out the c*ap out of your life., whatever that may be.
You will find your real friends and they may not be the ones you expect !!
I hate to say the word but use people for anything you can. i.e. advice on what they do..where they go..which clubs they attend..what activities they do etc.
I never turned down one single invite because each one lead me down a new path. Some I continued doing..some I did for a while..some I eventually discarded.
It will take time but life does twist and turn and you will find some things you never considered before.
After a while the new challenges will become fun and above all you will survive.
Polar

Plainjane49 wrote:

Sorry guys but after a bad weekend I need some guidance.

Its not a nice time you are having at the moment. And its just 3 weeks. But right now, that seems like 30 years. I remember only too well how time drags at the start.

The title of your thread is "How do you move on". I hate that word "Move on" but I understand your asking of it. I dont think anyone can "Move on" as that implies that what went before meant nothing means nothing. Which of course it does. What I think you want is for it to just "go away".

But what advice can I give you to survive the 1st months? I would have to say firstly: Leave him alone. I know you think you can fix this if we can only talk and I can get him to see reason. He will then understand and everything will be ok. This is your view. I know this cos you have said it in so many words. But there is a problem and it has a lot to do with physical laws. If you push someone, often you push them away. And you push yourself away also. So number 1... Leave him. What will be will be. Talking to him wont work. Making him see sense wont work. Making him understand that he has made a mistake also wont work. Getting on with life does work. Eating. Sleeping and the rest of it defo works. For you. And what will be will be as I said.

Next piece of advice. Try and eat. No junk. Good stuff. I remember having to drink water with food. Mouth full of food and a sip of water to allow me to chew it. This has to be you. You need to eat. It needs to be wholesome and you need to drink water also on its own. No alcohol please. I checked in the bottom of the bottle. There are no answers there. This is number 2.

Number 3. Sleep. Ok you are not going to get much rest. Cos your head will be full of stuff and your heart will be going 10 to the dozen. And you will crash. And then you will be up again. Then crash again. So if you cant sleep try this... Lay down for this and what ever you do. Dont do this while driving or operating machinery. Breath in. Hold your breath for as long as you can. Then breath out slowly. Do this a number of times. When the thoughts come. Do it again. And keep doing it until you start to feel relaxed. This will hopefully allow you to get some rest if not some sleep. Which you really need.

Part of what you feel is the old fight or flight reaction. Your body will be flooded to the gunnels with adrenaline. Adrenaline also props you up so you can stay awake in a crises. But the old adrenals wont keep up with the demand. They will stop producing. Hence the crash. Being awash with adrenaline long term is harmful. It makes the heart beat very fast. So anything you can do to calm yourself is worth doing. I remember being in this state for months. I lost 3 1/2 stone in 3 months. Great diet this. But its hard on you running at 10000 MPH standing still.

Lastly. I cant tell you what has happened. Why this has happened. Or what will happen. All I can say is that there is a afterwards. If he goes or stays I cant tell you. If you remain married or get divorced no one can tell you. But at the end of what ever happens. You will be "alright". You honestly will. And one day you will look back on these days and smile. Just hang in there.

Very lastly. I am about 8 years on from you. In other words, roughly speaking I am you 8 years on. But its not took me 8 whole years to get to this plato in my life. Probably two or three years. Life has been plain sailing for a long time now. But I can tell you everything that happened in my year of the troubles that was 2006. But I cant tell you what happened last year or last week. And the reason is... This is a big event. A massive event in fact. Its probably going to be the toughest time of your life. It was for me certainly. But I am living proof that you can survive this. That you can overcome all the difficulties in your life. And your lucky in a way. You have WV. We can show you the way as we have all by and large been there and can hold your hand in this tough time. And one day. I promise you. You will walk into the sunshine and everything will be alright. Whatever happens. C.