Any tips for encouraging child to WANT to see dad?

My child hasn''t seen their dad for just over a year, which was a very negative experience, as were the ones in the preceeding months. The last positive contact was Aug 2012. Court has instructed that he writes an apology and sends a gift. Then telephone contact in January. Certainly no unsupervised contact just yet.

I''ve never denied contact but maintained it must be supervised, which he didn''t want. The judge agreed for now, as he is still a risk to her, more medical reports are required.

So, my question for anyone that has been through this already is, how do I tell him that his dad will be ringing in January?

I''ve asked very regularly over the past year if he would like to see his dad and it''s always a no. I am consistently respectful when speaking about him, and I have always made him aware that his dad wants to see him. I thought he may be saying no out of some loyalty to me, so arranged a childrens outreach programme to have time with professionals and be assessed. The outcome was that the he still didn''t want to see him, child is 7 and is a perfectly happy child with no issues.

Thing is, on occasions such as he doesn''t want to go to, say, school, I can say things like your friend so and so will be there, and you''ll have fun at playtime etc etc and there is always some aspect of it to which it can be a place that they he then WANTS to go to. How do I do this for a telephone call? Is it acceptable to offer some sort of a treat/sweets for them taking the call, or a bad idea? I know I need to encourage him to want to speak to his dad, and believe me, I have tried to remind him about all the positive and happy times that we used to have, but he''s just adamant that he doesn''t want anything to do with him. I feel that I am failing him by him not wanting to have contact with his dad and just don''t really know how to get him to overcome this.

Any tips?

Hi there difficult one this ... for a teenager I would say give them the freedom to chose when / where / how. This worked with my youngest but .... that was at age 13.

A 7 yo though is different - being harsh here I would say that a 7 yo shouldn''t really have a choice *waits to be shot down*

I would from your side encourage contact (as in over encourage), but that contact (as it has been so long) should start slow, perhaps cards / writing in the first instance, move to telephone calls, face time via skype or other, then supervised contact ... leading on possible full contact.

However, this all depends on the support of both parents - RP encouraging & ensuring child is available for calls etc. NRP sticking with it & going slow.

As for school - no real encouragement, my youngster hates school tbh - but you go, do your time & get on with it - not harsh but pragmatic from a long period of "supporting" child to attend.

Stay strong JJx

I have to agree with Fairy at 7 its shouldn''t be done to child to agree once everything is sorted it should be a ''given''. Your going end of discussion type aapproach.

As to the phone call. Don''t make to big a deal about it. No great discussions. Just inform child. Really against bribes.

Be cautious about assuming that a 7 year old doesn''t have real fears which need to be dealt with. You say a judge has agreed that your child is at risk from the father and that more medical evidence is required, so clearly there are issues we don''t have details about. However, there''s to be an apology and a gift and then a phone call in January.

Saying that, it''s quite difficult for a young child to relate to someone at the end of a phone, especially someone they haven''t seen for a year. A lot depends on how his father conducts the conversation. Dad has some work to do to build bridges and it seems you haven''t been opposed to that.

What can you do? Could you discuss the planned conversation with his father beforehand? Children at 7 are still quite ego-centric so it should be very short and just about things he''s knows well, like hobbies and things he likes doing; school and favourite TV programmes.

Support him from behind. Smile to let him know it''s alright with you that he''s speaking with his Dad. He just has to listen and try to respond. Very hard for a seven year old.

You say he''s a perfectly happy child with no issues and we want it to remain so and with a happy Mum and hopefully a happy father.

I agree that rewards not appropriate here, it is something that may be a regular part of his life, and you don''t want to set up a pattern of him getting toys / lollies etc whenever he deals with Dad.
I would also hope that his dad won''t expect the phone call to be a big bonding chat the first time, it will probably be brief and awkward to start with. Don''t make it a big deal, try to casually let him know earlier the same day perhaps. THe idea of letters or cards beforehand sounds good, to hopefully give him some positive image of his dad and make some connection.

The first phonecall was on Sunday, and it didn''t go well at all. I felt more disappointed in myself as I thought I had created such a positive outlook on it all, but actually hearing his voice sent my little one into a right state. He left the room and curled up into a ball at the foot of the stairs, which I have NEVER seen him do before. He was sobbing and adamant he didn''t want to speak at all. Dad was persistent and rang back a few minutes later and then a 3rd time. He was patient and just waited on the phone whilst I cajoled him to pick it up and talk. I tried everything I could think of and reassured that it was OK and everything. I had to be very firm in the end and make him put the phone next to his ear, and although it was all awkward he did eventually talk for a few minutes.

The 2nd phonecall was tonight and now I''m quite simply at a loss as to what to do. Little one refused everything I suggested, including me leaving the room, him taking the phone to his bedroom, him whispering to me what to say and me ''talking'' for him, well just everything I could think of really. Dad could hear it all at his end, all very positive from my end, but little one just wouldn''t open his mouth. Dad then, over the speaker started talking to me saying that Court said little had to speak to him and that I had failed in making him do so, referring to me as Ms and then my surname, incredibly negative and nasty. I''m annoyed that little one heard any of it, as they don''t know that we''ve been to Court, I just told little one that his dad wanted to ring him tonight just to chat, not that a judge had ordered it.

I''m at a complete loss as to what to do, as I don''t know how I can MAKE my son talk on the phone. He''s nearly 8 and not know his dad for 2 years coming up. I absolutely hate seeing my little one so upset like this, jumping whenever the phone rings just in case it''s his dad ringing and just the whole general experience. I had thought tonight could only have been better than the first call. I really feel like I have done everything I can to be so positive about it all, enthusiastic and re-iterating that they should talk and I would love it if my son did want to. The next phone call is scheduled for this weekend.

Tonight''s phonecall lasted for 50 minutes, at which my son wouldn''t speak at all. I did ask dad if he could call back in a few minutes, or if little one could write a message tonight that I could email, but dad insisted that the Court said tonight was a telephone call, he offered no support whatsoever, if anything made it worse by slating me for failing to get little one to talk (at which little one was shaking his head and mouthing to me that it wasn''t my fault). I did speak to dad after the 50 minutes in a different room and asked him not to do that again.

Please, if anyone can help me as the parent to help my child through this, I welcome your advice. I shall contact CAFCASS tomorrow and see if they can offer any advice and I will be contacting the children''s outreach that my son has had help from in the past regarding his dad''s behaviour to see if they can help. I''m just at a loss as to what to do as it''s not going how I had hoped it all would :-/

Why has contact been broken for 2 years? It''s hard to star a relationship over the phone, mostly at fixed times. It puts enormous pressure on everybody.
I''m afraid i have no advice on how to get them to talk on the phone. My 12 and 6 year old also have days where they just don''t want to talk, even though they have good contact with their dad.
Just hope the dad can be a bit more understanding and move forwards.