Grandparents

Hi, I will try not to make this too long! So, my stbx left me a year ago just before I gave birth to our third baby and we are about to receive our Decree Nisi. We are still on good terms amazingly and he has borderline personality disorder so I remain supportive of him and of his relationship with our three children. He had issues with hard drugs and alcohol a few months ago so we have agreed on supervised access which has been drawn into our divorce agreement. This hasn''t presented any problems as we still get on well and as our children are so young, it makes life easier for him. He rents a room as a lodger in someones house so can''t see the kids there so comes to mine which has at times been hard for me but is the best thing for the kids- the eldest two who are 5 and 3 have struggled hugely with the split.
I had a huge fall out with my mother in law at the time as she was extremely hurtful towards me and put a huge amount on me saying that it was because I refused to get an abortion that my husband left and so it''s all my fault. She put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion when I first discovered my pregnancy and I have never been able to forgive this really although I tried for the sake of my family. MUch more has happened too but I won''t go into all the gory details- seriously, we could take up a whole Jeremy Kyle show! I have never stopped her seeing the two eldest at all but I have stressed that I do not wish to see her and therefore and because of her attitude to the fact that my baby was to blame for our marriage break up, she has not yet seen the baby who is 9 months old. I have sought advice about this from my HV and at the time midwife who all agreed that I needed to keep as stress free as possible in order to get on and raise my children properly. I know she will have to meet her one day and I accept this.
I have said to my ex that his day to see the kids (sat) is the best time for his mum to see them too (we have school etc in the week and sunday is my day) but his mum will only come up for a couple of hours on the odd occaision and then blames me for her lack of quality time with them. She has two dogs and won''t leave them for longer in case they wee on the carpet. She can''t go to my ex''s place to see the kids with the dogs as he is only a lodger and she is not welcome at mine and seeing as I''m no longer with her son and trying to move on with my life I don''t really see why I should (and I''m trying to study too!). I have tried to explain that it''s not my responsibility that he doesn''t have his own place or that she has dogs or now that she is moving further away and so it''s unfair for them to say I am stopping her from seeing them. As far as I''m concerned she can see them every saturday for the whole of the day!
I have a feeling she will push to have them to stay at hers when she moves and I''m really unhappy with this- they have been in counselling and it has been stressed to us all that they need consistancy and a regular structure which I have worked hard to get into place. My middle boy still sleeps in my bed each night as he is so insecure- I''ve never been away from them and feel it would be detrimental to take away the only constant in their lives whilst everything is so raw. I might also add that it is believed that many of my ex''s problems stem from how he was brought up by his mum and from repeatedly being separated from her as a young child and I don''t think I''m wrong in not wanting to repeat the same mistakes.
Apparently it will be too difficult for them to ''keep coming down'' to visit the boys for ''just a few hours'' but why is this my responsibility. I''m not forcing them to move away!!
So, am I being unreasonable by saying they can see the children every saturday from 10am- dinner time? I feel like I''m constantly bullied by them despite being so supportive still to the man who walked out when I was about to have his baby- it just feels like they want everything on their terms all of the time without regard to what the children want and need.

Sorry for the rant! I just guess I want some reassurance that I''m not being as difficult they are trying to make out I am! Thanks for reading!

Hi Elderflower,

Families eh! To be honest you have to separate your relationship with Gran/dad from your children''s relationship with them and it seems to me you have a lot of unresolved issues/hurt (understandable) that is getting in the way of moving forward. Is Gran deliberately being awkward or does she have a point? Is it a lot of effort to leave her house/dogs to see the children for a couple of hours? Obviously its difficult for an outsider to know all of this but on the surface it seems reasonable that Gran is worried about leaving her dogs messing on the carpet. Why cant your Ex take the children to her house to see her?

Divorce isnt easy but its harder on the children. Try not to think of this as feeling put-out by having to accommodate your Ex mother-in-law as this is about what is best for the children and staying in contact with extended family is important for them and they will need the security of regular contact. Its not about the adults its about the children. If you can find a way around this you will be doing the right thing by your children. I also wouldnt leave it too long for Gran to meet the latest baby as the longer you leave it the more of an issue it will become - its not the baby''s fault and it would be difficult if they didnt form a bond like her siblings.

Hi, thanks for your thoughts. It''s always usefulness have other peoples opinions as a different perspective on things. To be honest it''s not difficult for her to leave her dogs particularly. She is not an elderly lady and has a teenage son who can look after them if need be and a good neighbour who has also looked after them in the past. She only works a few hours a week too. I think rather the issue is that she can''t have things the way she wants which she is used to getting. Basically she would like to be able to bring her dogs to my house for me to look.after whilst she takes the boys out as I used to but things have changed since then! My ex is unable to take the children to her house as he has to have supervised visits and because he is on very strong medication also for his mental health. This a something he agreed to after ending up on psychiatric hospital a few months ago after abusing class a drugs and self harming in a very bad way. He had also prior to this left our two boys on their own in a room whilst he slept- they were 10 months and 2 at the time but fortunately I arrived home before anything happened.
I maintain a strong relationship with my father in law ( they too are divorced) and also still try to keep in contact with the extended family although they ignore my children and I. Sadly what has happened has resulted in my needing counselling which I have now had and feel much stronger for it but as I need to keep this strength up to carry on the good job I am doing I don''t wish to create any more stress. I feel as though I am still expected to sort everything out for my ex and his family as I always have done even though we aren''t together and I just feel that I shouldn''t need to do this any more. I''ve always been treated like a bit of a doormat and have submitted to what they want but I realise now that I need to put my kids first. I''ve never stopped the boys seeing their nan at all, and have never bad mouthed her to them- in fact quite the opposite.
Many issues go much deeper which I won''t go into as it would take forever. I think the main thing is I have tried so many times to nicely and calmly put across my point to them but it just falls on deaf ears and I end up being blamed for a while host of other things too.

I agree I have unresolved issues with my ex mother in law but not so.much with my ex. We have amazingly up till now remained on great terms and have maintained a friendship. I no longer am in love with him and I''m happy for him if he wants to move on with someone else etc. there''s no issue there. However, I feel he does rely on me a lot and I can see this becoming a problem in the future.
My kids have been really hit hard throughout this but i''ve helped them and with our church youth worker, family support worker at school and our gp they are much happier and we have a good little unit going. I''ve created a really secure and consistent life for them and it''s done them the world of good but is an ongoing thing of course. I asked my mother in law if she would like to see the children on a regular basis and this has never been taken up. This last Saturday she arranged to see them in the morning, then the afternoon then she wasn''t coming and then at the last minute she rang to say she was. That''s basically what it''s like!

Hi Elderflower,

Thanks for more background. It helps to understand from your point of view.

I completely agree with you and think you are doing an amazing job of caring for your children given the stress and pressure you have been under. I think you need to start thinking less about your MIL and her needs as you have obviously tried to accommodate her but she isnt playing ball. Basically if you treat her like a child she will respond - so keep consistantly offering the same hours on the same day and eventually she will realise that this is her best bet to see her grandchildren - it sounds harsh but you owe her nothing and as long as you do make the children available then you can do no more.

It sounds as if you were the glue that held them altogether and they are finding it hard to understand that you no longer need to do all the repairing and have moved on with your life.

You can do no more than you have already done. If your MIL throws her dummy out then thats her decision - sad as it is for the children - but most adults will come round in the end and do whats right. If she doesnt then you can hold your head up and say you tried and that makes you the bigger person.

Stay strong and keep up the good work - it does get easier and you will one day look back in the knowledge that you couldnt have done more and it wasnt your fault.

Thank you. I think what I am going to do is speak to my ex tonight and then write to my mother in law again staying the times and days she is welcome to see her grandchildren and also reiterate their great need for consistency at the moment. I''m sure as they grow and adjust to the changed in their life then things of course will evolve and those limits will be able to be relaxed but at present everyone needs to be mindful that it''s the kids needs that take priority.
I think unfortunately once again I let myself be a pushover in the past and now i''ve taken my doormat tshirt off it''s thrown everyone!

Stay strong keep a copy of your letter and be there for your kids they need you and for you to be relaxed if MIL is only thinking if herself and not the kids, children are the priority here