Please some impartial advice

All was well. Shared residence of my two, court order had been in place for a number of years, everything was settled.
Daughters behaviour though has been erratic for a while, very bad temper tantrums, violent, aggressive to siblings. Fine most of the time but when she has an episode, my god its hard work. Anyway we finally, with some help from the school made some progress. Got an educational psychologist involved and referral for an aspergers assessment. A little light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
This week though she said ''to her mum'' that she wanted to live with me, her mum said ok and sent her over and the rest of the week went totally to S**T. Mum has said she is to live with me, wants NO contact with her at all. She has told her she''s to call her by name not mum. That she''ll never see her again or her half sister. Yes, said it to her, an 8 yr old girl.
She initially told my boy that he too now HAD to live with me, he didn''t want too. He''s happy with our shared residency set-up. I, of course, am happy as anything to have kids full time. Awesome. But I have had to talk her out of sending my boy over as what he wants outweighs what I''d like.
I have no idea what to do about daughter though. She currently saying (mum) that she wants to give up PR and everything, cut ties completely. I can only guess she''s having a breakdown or something. My daughter is now living with me, I''m worried that she''ll come and get her soon and force her back before she sorts herself out, many hurtful things have been said to my girl. I don''t fully understand why or what to do about it at this point. ????

No wonder the kids are playing up. I know nothing of your or your children situation, so it''s not a judgement, but the back and forth must be emotionally exhausting.
Mum rejecting the girls, dad not wanting the boy: the one thing that helps the kids go through divorce is to be reassured a million times that no matter what the situation is, mummy and daddy still love them and always will.
In their case, mummy and daddy are proving love is conditional...

Again, i''m not judging a situation i know nothing of, just trying to imagine what is going through the children heads, and it ain''t pretty.

So sorry to read about your difficulties. I agree that it''s shocking to tell a young child that she may no longer call her mother Mummy. As you say, her mother may be having a breakdown but that''s another issue which only she can do something about. You have your daughter to love and care for and it''s not going to be easy.

I presume you''ve told the educational psychologist about her mother''s attitude? Asperger''s is a difficult condition to work with and your daughter is probably very frightened by her outbursts and won''t really understand where all the anger is coming from herself.

The ed psych should be able to give you some guidance in how to manage your daughter''s outbursts. You can ask for a meeting to discuss strategies to use at home which will be in line with how they''re handling things in school.

If it''s not been set up already it''s a good idea for a journal to go between you and the class teacher just tracking your daughter''s behaviour and to check that you''re all doing the same things. You may even be able to identify what triggers the episodes and discuss with the ed psych possible defusing tactics.

It''s great that your daughter is getting lots of love from you as that will help her feel loved and cared for. Stay strong yourself, because this is not an easy path to be on.

Mitchum

If I had to guess I would say you are dealing with a very hurt mummy. (As well as a hurt child/ren of course).

I note you are more than a little surprised and taken aback that mum has done this and you can only think she is having a breakdown of sorts? So it is out of character for mum.

As many of us know our kids are often our lives when they are little (rightly or wrongly), we sacrifice much and work our butts off for them.

If your child says, I want to go and live with dad, I imagine that is like a punch in the guts. And the emotional reaction might be "well go then and don''t come back" or "if you go, that''s it, you''ll soon see what side your bread''s buttered" . Something similar. You know that emotional outburst that derives from hurt and fear and exhaustion. It is not good, immature and lead by the emotions rather than the head. Very hard on the kids, but when we are worn out, stressed out, running on empty and the emotions rule we are all capable. I have had to hang on to mine for dear life at times. And my kid is very easy to parent.

Seems to pan out with what you say about your boy as well. The boy is perfectly happy with his parenting arrangement, but the poor little bloke has got dragged in, mum''s had a moment (as I say we are all capable, it doesn''t make her a monster - got to look at it in the full context of her usual mothering not this one incident). Part of mum''s moment may have included saying to son "and another thing, you might as well go too why don''t you, the pair of you go".

It''s what I call an ''after all I''ve done for you'' moment.

Again it is said in distress and it''s likely mum will be feeling terrible about it all later. But may be she needs a bit of a break.

I think you are doing all the right things at present dad, getting the professional advice etc. I also think once things calm down, being the good dad you are you will facilitate the relationship between your daughter and her mum again. A few little shopping trips might be in order to grease the wheels.

There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour with children, however challenging the little darlings can be at times. But, again, it is so important to look at this incident in the context of mum''s overall mothering and, though this has not been mum''s best moment, credit her with all the other moments she has dealt with well over the years - there have obviously been some difficult ones with your daughter, as you have outlined.

You have a feeling that mum will come to get daughter soon and before she is ready - I suspect mum may, she will be feeling very bad and want to repair the relationship asap. Talk to mum about daughter staying with you for a little while until things settle, and to give mum a break. Give them time to work on their relationship, and work with the professionals together with mum on your girl''s behalf. You might also talk to your daughter along the lines of "I know you and mum have had a difficult time recently, but what''s the good things about mum". And ease that conversation along with the things you know mum does well.

I think that what mum will be dreading is that she won''t get her girl back, despite the fact she has said the opposite in a fit of emotion.

Your last sentence of "I don''t fully understand why or what to do about it at this point???" I expect is the exact same question going round and round mum''s head at this time. The pair of you need to work on that question together, with your professionals and your school, if at all possible.

Best wishes to you all. Keep posting and do let us know how it all pans out.

Nige

Nicely said Nige.
I hope your kids can repair their relationships with mum and that she can liaise with you first about what''s going on, not send messages through them (if that''s what''s happening?). I''m also guilty of screaming at my kids in frustration and exhaustion, and wanting STBX to take on the tantrums and fights in the morning when we''re rushing to get to work and school, when I know what they need most in the world is a calm and loving mum who is coping ok.

juliette0307 wrote:

Mum rejecting the girls, dad not wanting the boy: - In their case, mummy and daddy are proving love is conditional...

Juliette - you''ve misunderstood
I said, I do want, and would have my boy gladly but it is not what he wants. He is happy with shared residence. I in no way show my kids that love is conditional. I''ve said nothing to imply I don''t want my boy.
I could use the mums current difficulties as an excuse to go gunning for residency but that wouldn''t be what my children would want. Even there mums love is not conditional she''s just having serious difficulties and reacting very badly.

Nigella - Yes this is completely out of character for mum. My girl coming to live with me is one thing, I originally thought the novelty would wear of and she''d choose to go back to mums after a week when she realised I''m at work over half the time but mums reaction has taken everyone by surprise. The decision to cut ties completely and the things that have been said have really had an affect. She''s apparently spoke to a solicitor about revoking her parental responsibility.
A note to those that think I don''t want either of my kids full time. I do! I''m just not sure its what they want. Even my girl, I think she said about living with me in anger and there is no way she''d want to cut ties with her mum.