My child wants to live with his dad

Do children of age 13 have a say in who they live with? I have been forced out of my home and the kids are with me but my 13 year old now says he wants to live with his dad as he doesn''t want to have to get used to a new house which I will be renting in a couple of weeks time. My husband (im not divorced yet) is making it all very nice in ''our'' home when the kids go round and all of a sudden has become ''superdad'' when he clearly couldn''t be bothered before. I have brought the kids up while he has been the provider.

Children''s views need to be considered in light of their age, maturity and the context of the family background. Teenagers often prefer a base where they live near their friends and can attend the same school. For some young teenagers the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - they miss the parent who doesn''t live with them and then when they change over they miss the other parent and want to move back.

Thirteen year olds are normally mature enough to understand the implications of a decision. The problem is they may resent being forced to live somewhere against there wishes and that encourages unwanted behaviour such as running away. Children make a decision in much the same way as adults by weighing up the pros and cons and they often change their minds Therefore usually the best way forward is to give them your blessing for moving out and tell them that the door is always open if they want to come back.

Hello, this must be really hurtful for you. I know when my husband obviously starts spoiling the kids and being super dad that I hate to see my kids used as pawns in a psychological revenge game that husband plays. They obviously lap it up. I think what Fiona said is right - at thirteen you need to let them know they are free to go but that they are welcome to come home to you when they want. Super dad will run out of steam at some point. Your constant behaviour will provide the home ( wherever you actually live) that will feed the need for security your child will ultimately seek. Try to rise above it - and don''t try to score points against super dad - let the novelty wear off all by itself. Your child will be able to see through super dad actions eventually and will always come back to you if you are calm and encouraging. Good luck with home hunting ....

Hi,
it is not uncommon for fathers to re-evaluate their relationship with their children after/during separation. This is usually has very little to do with point scoring , its an adjustment to the new reality that they are in, which is quite often different to the ''traditional'' family arrangement where the mother does the majority of the care.

LB

I must admit my ex is a much better dad since we are apart, but how hard is it to be a good dad one weekend out of 2? Not sure he would handle the daily grind of schoolruns and fulltime work and still come out with flying colours, but that''s my ex!
It would destroy me if my 13 year old asked to live with his dad, but i agree that i''d have to let him go, making the door is still open on the way back.

oops, hit submit too early.

I think i''d try to make sure i have explored every possibilities before to make sure there is no way i can get him excited about the new house, how he can set his bedroom, participate in the choices for the rest of the house, organize a housewarming sleepover, anything i could think of.
If nothing works, then i''d have to let go.

Juliette0307 Yes, mine (well not mine anymore) has also become Superdad all of a sudden, constantly jibes about the way I take care of the boys after me doing everything for them since they were born and going to every footy match, tennis match, cricket match, assembley, making all their world ''bloody'' book day costumes, swimming lessons.....you get the jist! Don''t get me wrong , its great that the kids are pending quality time with him but I must admit, it makes me feel rather inadequate that I cant do the same as I have so much on my plate with starting a new job and trying to get money together to buy stuff for the new house and move in at some point. And to cap it all off now, the car and phone (both of which weren''t costing him any more)that he agreed to provide before he has now taken away leaving me trying to find other ways of getting the kids to their clubs etc and also putting my job on the line as a community support worker. No wonder he wants to stay with his dad, its all rosie and jim there! Sorry if I sound angry, I just had to let off some steam. Im so upset I cant think of anything else