Contact with daughter

It is funny isnt it?
I saw ''high earner'' and thought he got a financial spanking in his divorce and now has to spend money that would have gone towards the kids education on rebuilding his life and retirement... but all speculation.

There are parents who lie all the time about where a child resides. Sometimes this is agreed between parents so one gets more CB, or benefit. I just dont understand what the harm would be in saying the child resides at that address? The child isnt asking for money, instead she is willing to take on the financial burder of tuition.

Im not saying she is wrong or right- but I am saying that her daughter will be (wrongly or rightly) very pessed off... and that annomosity will be directed towards her siblings who have got more grant money.

teh daughter probably perceives this as punishment for not wanting to live with the mum

It is actually fraud, something my ex supports by pretending he doesn''t live with OW so her daughter gets full grants and she gets tax credits for younger child.

Some people have no qualms about committing fraud and some do, I wouldn''t do it to be honest.

Financial matters aren''t sorted out yet, so he hasn''t been financially "apanked" by me. He lives with the OW and supports her family - his expenditure doesn''t show OW contributing to their monthly rent or bills. However, OW does pay for her son to attend private school. Both of our situations are very difficult financially.

I''m sad that given his high monthly salary he chooses not to support our daughter, while supporting OW and her family, and is then happy for daughter to ask me to lie. This is the background. I already have solicitor''s letters stating that daughter lives with father. Against this background I won''t lie about where she chooses to live. My question is still how to best to handle the situation I''m in now where daughter won''t communicate with me at all. She doesn''t answer emails etc and I really don''t want to lose her, but don''t know what to do for the best. Alice

Alice

Maybe you could explain in an email why you can''t do it. As you say officially she lives with her father and if this was looked into you could possibly be prosecuted or at least have to pay back what she would have got in a grant.

She is I feel old enough to understand the situation she is trying to put you in. Otherwise leave it a while and hope she comes round. Good luck.

That''s a good idea - in all the emails I''ve sent her I''ve never explained my reasons, just talked about every-day things. Thankyou. Alice

I certainly wouldn''t commit fraud, and I think the suggestion of writing is a good one. But I would play a little psychology here, to show her how loved she is by sending her a carefully chosen handwritten card, rather than an email, which although requiring time and effort to write, doesn''t send any extra message.

From the outside looking in, I hear of so many difficulties with children, usually the girls, and I don''t think it at all surprising. From hormones to the pressures of new experiences, adding the horror of divorce must be monumental. Mum''s love is expected to be completely unconditional, whilst Dad''s can be regarded with limitations. When it is Dad who has done the leaving, he is, at least in the immediate aftermath, very happy with life, whilst Mum is on the floor - that can be extremely difficult for children to witness when they are powerless to do anything about it. Add in the self centredness that we all went through and Mum is clearly in for an extra hiding.

So yes, another pile of pain to cope with and yet it is imperative that you keep sending out love, and not expect anything back for a while. But that doesn''t mean you can''t let her know how difficult you are finding the whole process too and that may result in behaviour from you that wouldn''t happen if you weren''t in the midst of a long marital break up.

Right now she is the child and you are the adult; in time, when she is an adult, if she keeps and re reads your card, it will perhaps be something you can both fully explore together.

Forester you''ve really put your finger on my concerns. At 19 I was worried about just leaving things and doing nothing- in many ways 19 is still quite emotionally immature. And yes, mum being upset was not what she wanted to deal with! The card is a lovely idea and will show how much she means to me.

Thankyou all for your thoughts, they really are appreciated. Alice