Contact with daughter

Morning all,

I''d appreciate any suggestions you might have on what to do regarding my relationship with my daughter - I''m upset at how things have ended up but not sure what more I can do ...

My STBX moved out just after Christmas. Two children (21 and 16) are with me. Other daughter (19) lived with me for a while (generally at Uni), but our relationship became difficult (she refused to do anything to help around the house etc) and I suggested that she lives with dad for a while to prevent our relationship getting any worse. She has been with him since about June. Quite a bit of email contact and occasional meetings until .... she asked to say she lived with me for student finance purposes so that she could get more loan/bursary payments etc. I said no and that I couldn''t lie about it. She got very cross and I hung up on our phone conversation before the argument got worse (she said it would be my fault that she wouldn''t be able to afford Uni accommodation even with a job and that she would have to leave Uni - all my fault). Her father was supposed to pay half of her accommodation costs but it looks like he isn''t going to which is why this has become an issue.

I''ve tried to contact her lots of times, but she hasn''t replied at all. Do I keep trying to contact her, drop off and just email her once a week, leave her alone completely? I''m really sad about losing another part of my family, but hurt that she only really wanted to come home to get at extra student finance. It feels like this whole horrible divorce thing has lost me so much. I really don''t want to lose my daughter but don''t know how to stop it happening. No contact at all between STBX and me so no help from that quarter.

Any thoughts/suggestions appreciated.

Alice (who really is sad atm)

Alice - it is so hard. I am also conscious that my relationship with my youngest daughter who is 21 is a little rocky. The thing we need to remember is that at this sort of age they do not and I suppose should not have to really think about anything other than themselves. The usual arguments such as not doing things around the house etc become heightened by the situation we are in and normal issues become escalated. I can understand fully why you will not do as your daughter has requested, you are doing what is right and not being railroaded into something you feel uncomfortable about. Again, so difficult when you do not get support from her father. You will be the bad guy as I am. They just go and leave destruction and devastation behind.

Hopefully your daughter will find a way of staying at Uni (maybe STBX will in fact help when he realises you will not go along with what your daughter is asking). Whatever, it is not your fault. You are doing what is right.

Only thing I can think is that one day daughter will understand and yes do keep e mailing her. It is awful. We just have to try and soldier on and be strong in the knowledge that we are trying our best to do the right thing under horrible circumstances. xx

I don''t quite understand this. My daughter has been living away for the past 2 years at University and hardly ever comes "home" so to speak, but she still has to put my details down as her parent and I have to send copies of my last P60 to student finance. She does not live with me at all now.

I don''t think students are classed as living at home, but they have to give details of their parent''s earnings which affects their grant.

Hi Deedum,

My daughter has to give financial details of the parent she lives with; this is used to assess how much student loan she can get. Her father''s income is very high (over £100K) while mine is very low (below £15K including benefits). She currently lives with dad, so will be entitled to very little from student finance. However, if she lived with me (as my elder daughter does who is returning to study in Sept) then she would get more student loan and would be able to apply for bursaries etc because of my low income. Daughter wants to live with dad but tell student finance she lives with me so that she will be able to claim all the financial support that comes with being in a low-income family.

I still feel I''ve done the right thing in not agreeing to this, but it''s the breakdown of our relationship that I''m so upset about, and don''t know what to do about - on top of break-up with STBX. I don''t want to lose her!

Hope that makes things clearer - I''m sure you know how it is when it''s all going around in your head but you don''t always put it all into words as clearly as you like to!
Alice

I do understand what you are saying and the reasons for it. I was only trying to say that my daughter doesn''t live with me at all now, but I still have to give my wage details to student finance.

I think some of the problem could be that you have two children with the same parents (I assume). One of whom will get maximum student grant and one who will not. You could argue is that fair. I personally think that both parent''s incomes should be taken into account no matter where a child lives.

Personally, I think its a bit rubbish that you wont say she lives with you. If her father is a high earner, she may not even qualify for loans. You are making things unecessarily hard for her.

Kids can be jerks. I get told constantly that I am a *****, a selfish *****, and a waste of space- yet I wouldnt deny my kids a chance at their future.

Only you can decide if you were ''right''- but you definitely created some anger that will not go away any time soon, and probably some siblling jealousy as well

Funny how people come up with different takes on the same situation. I saw high earner and wondered why he didn''t fund her, obviating or at least substantially reducing the need for student debt.