Bribery

Well the threat of mediation soon brought my ex to his senses as he has now changed back to our original child arrangements, but wait for it with another day added. In all honesty I was waiting for this. He has even given me times to stick to - wow I thought perhaps we are getting somewhere.

Today my boys have done off earlier than arranged which is ok (though I didn''t find out until 30 minutes before they went), but then I find out that my younger son is being looked after by OW while his brother and my ex go out somewhere. The nearer towards the time it was to them leaving I got more and more stressed and had to sit my my bedroom. Apparently he has been bought another new computer game. Does anyone else think the word bribery comes into it, as this is probably the 3-4th game in as many weeks that has been bought?

So here we go again my feelings of anger and resentment are rearing their ugly head and I was having such a good week. Why would my son want to spend time with OW when his dad is not with him? This has really upset me and caused me anguish yet again - I really hate this. It''s never ending. I wont see my boys until tomorrow evening and I am sitting hear like a cry baby at my computer with my music so loud to fill the silent void.

My friends tell me I have managed to go 5 whole days without talking about my situation and I was proud of myself for doing that.

Thanks for listening




UPDATE: My youngest has just popped back home to get some bits and pieces. He looked a bit worried. I asked him if he was ok - he said yes. I asked if his dad was back yet and he isn''t. He has spent the last 3 hours with OW on his own and according to him she hasn''t spoken to him. When I asked what he had been doing he has been playing his new computer game. Now I am not gonna get cross because it will start me off again BUT do you think this is acceptable of my ex to do this. If not, how would you approach it. Your thoughts please would be welcome.

Sorry not what you want to hear but whilst many would consider several hours on a computer unacceptable many others wcouldn''t. Its just different parenting styles and you need to accept it. Also on child spending quality time with dad, whilst other stays with ow is also acceptable. Your younger son only concern seems yet again to be worrying about your reaction which sorry isn''t acceptable.

Make sure you have your time planned out. Its tough to begin with but it does get easier.

Let it go. When it''s ''his time'' he''s entitled to parent in his way, unless it is actually putting the kids in danger.

Try looking at it another way. If your ex needs to bribe a child it suggests he''s unsure of himself and their relationship. That''s one up for you. If the boy is being left on his own, with only computer game for company because ow can''t be bothered to talk to him, then he is going to be mightily bored very quickly. He''ll get bored even more quickly if it happens again. That''s two up for you.

Just plaster a smile on your face, look unconcerned and try to enjoy time to yourself. This is all about developing the skills you need for being the new you.

I can completely empathise with you as Im going through the same thing. My daughter is being left sometimes with a new partner with six other kids running around. I hate it as she is not spending good quality time with her mum, but the advice here is right.

So long as they are not in danger you have just got to manage those feelings and try and start carving out a new life when not with your children. But its not easy is it!

As always thanks for your responses, but please can I reply to some comments made:

Also on child spending quality time with dad, whilst other stays with ow is also acceptable.

When it''s ''his time'' he''s entitled to parent in his way, unless it is actually putting the kids in danger.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but it isn''t supposed to be my ex''s time with my boys, they were picked up 2 1/2 hours earlier with 30 minutes notice to me. What hurts is that youngest has been bought another new game to entice him there when his dad isn''t even though to spend time with him.

Why could my youngest not stay with me whilst his brother was out and about. I know I am making this about me and I am trying not to. I know my youngest was happy to spend time at his place, but was that because he was itching to use his new game, whether or not his dad was there. I don''t know this OW, and would certainly not live my children with anyone I didn''t know. I am not going to be making an issue out of this, because their dad will see it as a weak point and do it again. The less I know the better, but I cannot stop my boys telling me what they did - I just smile nicely whilst I am again kicked in the teeth by their dad. My ex is a master manipulator and still continues to be to this day

The point I think others are making is that when the children are with their Dad it is up to him to decide what to do in that time.

You are right that this needs to be about your children. Your ex clearly is making an effort with the game and taking the other boy out. The children want to be there. They feel comfortable at Dads. That''s great for them actually. Not so great for you to let them go, I get it.

It takes a superhuman effort to not project your hurt and your feelings on to your children. Parenting is tough sometimes. Comfort yourself with some of Fiona''s posts which talk of the importance of ensuring as far as possible that both separated parents encourage a relationship with Mum and Dad. What you are doing now, letting them go to Dads without conflict or the post mortem every time they come back is super important. There is something for me in these situations about seeing the wood for the trees a little bit. OW come and go (believe me nearly 4 years after my own separation many of these relationships do break down, I''ve seen it here and in my own situation) but your children will always need their Dad. All this isn''t really about her.

Like many, you have a situation where OW is involved with the children quite quickly after the marriage has broken down. So, what can you do? Stewing in the house rarely helps. What always helped me get through the difficult times was thinking about how I could spend the time. Doing things I wanted to do. Building a new routine for you when the children are with Dad will make this a little easier.

Hkhd, believe me we all know how hard this is for you. We also all know that ow (or om for that matter) rarely last.

It is really important for you to plan some activities for yourself when the boys are with stbx. This is on a par with the no contact rule. You struggled with that, you will struggle with this. But you have no confrol over what he does with them, and it will always be like that.

It may feel like he''s trying to kick you in the teeth, but I suspect he''s struggling too. Just struggling for a different reason and in a different way. And of course any struggle he''s going through is by and large his own fault.

((()))