What to do

I currently work 2 hours from home and have my children every other weekend and one night in the week, although I still live with my sbx at the moment. Her main focus is no longer the children as soon as I get in on my night she is waiting at the door to go out. Shen longer tells me where she is going and comes back not a minute before she has to. She takes my children round to her new blike and his child, who has no discipline and my childrens behaviour is starting to change, I spend years bringing them up with routine and to be well manered now there life is goingvto change.

I want to go for the house a main custody of the children but as I work full time and 2 hours from home and my sbx only works 16 hours how can I do this?

Sorry my last post was a bit rambling.

I want to be the rp but as it takes me 2 hours to get to work and 2 hours back leaving at 6am and returning approx. 6pm is this even possible? I am currently looking for another job that will bring me closer to where the children live. My stbx only works 16 hours but I feel that our years of routine and discipline now no longer apply as she is more interested in her new life and keeping the children out late. I know the judge would probably award the children to her as she can be there more but I feel I can give them just as much but think my job will go against me.

What do you think?

I currently, whilst the divorce is going through, have the children every other weekend and one week night although as I still live in the same house as my stbx I do see them more.

Legally neither parent can be the "resident" parent because residence and contact orders have been replaced with Child Arrangement Orders.

When considering child arrangements a court must give regard to the Welfare Checklist in s1 Children Act 1989 including the background. The paramount concern is the welfare of children and meeting their needs. Above all arrangements need to be practical. Generally maintaining many routines and the established bonds is deemed to meet the needs of children best. That means it is an uphill struggle changing the status quo established when the parents were together.

Long term good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other. What you need to bear in mind is that going to court tends to leave parents feeling resentful and resistant. That makes sharing childcare difficult or impossible for ever and there is very little more damaging to children than ongoing high levels of conflict.

Is the Statement of arrangement the final document when dealing with who has the children on a day to day basis as my solicitor told me that it is only relevant to who has the children during the divorce proceedings. Currently my stbx and myself still reside under the same roof and have not yet had the Decree Nisi issued. In the financial proposal I want my stbx to move out and for me to have the house and the children and for her to have the children every other weekend, but in the statement of arrangements she has put down that she will be the main carer of the children without consulting me first.

Can you help clarify this?

What was the arrangement established during the marriage? Splitting finances is based on the status quo. As you worked full time and two hours from home then it sounds as though your wife was the parent with the majority of day-to-day care. If that arrangement was satisfactory why is it no longer?

I suspect the solicitor is using out of date forms. Statements of arrangements are no long required.

My role was the kids bedtime routine, homework, taking them swimming etc. My wife seems more interested in going out and enjoying her new life rather than caring for the children, we are not even divorced yet and she is letting kids stay up late, not doing homework and telling the kids not to tell me where they have been because I don''t like the man she is seeing, even though she says she is not seeing anyone, remember we are still leagally married.

I don''t know if I can live my life without my children, and even more so with the thought that she will neglect my children abd then they will be bought up by another man.

I just don''t know how to deal with it. Currently we are talking about the financial proposal. She wants me out and she will retain the house and will buy me out at a triggering event. However, if I decide to go for having the children a majority of the time then the proposal would have to be reversed, I would ask to stay in the house and for her to move out.

Thanks

I can empathise, my ex started seeing other women the week after we separated. However you need to separate the emotions from the practicalities, using a counsellor if necessary. Sadly for whatever reason the relationship is over and your wife has the autonomy to see who she likes and parent differently.

Initially separation and divorce are chaotic but eventually things do tend to settle down. As many here can testify there is life after divorce, albeit different from what we were expecting. In the long term it is so much easier for everyone, but in particular the children, if separated parents can get on together and focus on the needs of children.

To that end it is better not to get into destructive battles about where children live and how the finances are split if they can possibly be avoided. As I said in the posts above it isn''t simply a case of deciding to reverse the roles, asking to stay in the house and your wife to move out.

Relationship counselling could help you, and your wife if she is willing to attend to come to realistic views and divorce with dignity. Relationship counselling isn''t necessarily about getting back together but it can help improve communication so that problems can be resolved constructively and more quickly with less expense.