STBXW Possibly Pregnant with OM child

This is quite a bitter pill to swallow considering the Absolute hasn''t even been granted yet, so just wondering as to what to do and how this may affect proceedings and custody of my kids?

Brief back story;

Have 3 kids a Daughter 12 and two sons 9 and 16, the eldest of which has severe learning difficulties and is also autistic. Married 17 years together nearly 20, wife began an affair with a friend of hers late last year. Relationship develops in front of my daughter who knew OM. Causes such emotional distress to her that she threatens her own life. Social services get involved, stbxw asked to leave marital home by both myself and social services, as she was still insisting on an in house separation and refusing to leave the home. Daughters contact with mum restricted to 6hrs per week at the time which was Feb/March this year(now shared care 50/50 as things settled). Kids placed on child protection plan. STBXW had moved straight in with OM at the time. All kids now spend their time 50/50 with each parent. Decree Nisi has been granted.

My issue is that this is apparently a planned pregnancy and not an accident, so I have no idea what she was thinking as she is nearly 46 and her OM is nearly 30, plus she is still legally married and kids haven''t even been given time to deal with an actual finalised divorce yet! They still hoping mum and dad will get back together again.

The emotional distress this has caused my daughter by her Mum''s continued selfish actions has been immense. STBXW has always told her she doesn''t want to have any more children and now DD is thinking she is being replaced and has very strong feelings of betrayal yet again caused by her mums actions. She has now stated that she no longer wishes to spend 50/50 time with her mum.

I am concerned as to how my stbxw is going to provide care and fulfil her obligations towards our kids when my eldest will always need constant care and the other two will still be minors while their mum will be in her early 50''s dealing with another child who wont yet be in school! Also have to consider the increased risks she is facing and potential threat to her own life because of her age. I know this is her issue and not my monkeys not my circus kind of thing, but we do have a disabled child and my youngest is still a minor for another 8 or so years.

Any ideas as to how the courts may view this, especially as we are still legally married? Would they take the view as they do in some States in America whereby paternity has to be established before the Absolute/Divorce will be granted? Or would it be irrelevant because the Nisi has already been issued and we have lived separately for over 6 months?

This really stings so having a bit of a tough time separating my feelings to what to do that''s in the best interest of the kids and whether potentially a full custody battle will now need to be fought.

Aghhh! Infidelity the gift that keeps on giving!

The court won''t be interested in this, put plainly who she''s shagging now has no bearing on anything. It will only be an issue if and when there is a child welfare issue and from what you have posted that starts with your daughter.

Will you fight a custody case for full custody ? And are you going to fight it because you believe your children will suffer in the custody of their mother or because you''re angry about be betrayed ?

As always, the Welfare Checklist should be your guide.

The best interests of the child are paramount - and in any court case an order will only be made if you can prove that things would be worse without doing so.

I appreciate things are upsetting but this is unlikely to make much difference.

I think in English Law courts only get involved if paternity is contested. It doesn''t sound as if this is an issue in your case.

I can see that this is a very emotionally fraught situation, but your job is to focus on the welfare of your children. Whether or not the pregnancy was planned, how she''s going to cope with a new baby etc is only of significance as it impacts on your children.

I assume your children''s school(s) are aware of the situation. Are they able to access support for your children?

Thank you for all your replies.

I assumed that it probably wouldn''t make much of a difference in the proceedings, so good to have that confirmed.

I agree completely, and I need to not let emotions get the better of me. The pregnancy isn''t confirmed yet so I may be jumping the gun a little bit. My daughter found out in a way she shouldn''t have which is why the info is out.

Also my eldest son does have severe learning difficulties and being autistic as well, he does sometimes need to be physically restrained from potentially causing harm to him self and/or others or even needing to be removed from a situation which may be causing him distress in order to ensure that he is kept safe. I have pretty much been his primary career for most of his life and was the one who had to perform most of the restraining whilst we were still married.

My stbxw wont be able to restrain him if pregnant as my son is just too strong for her, in any case it would most definitely be to dangerous for her to do any type of restraint whilst pregnant. It does therefore put my son at potential risk of accidental harm. Also my son has a real phobia about balloons and anything that may go pop, so if he sees something like that he either freezes petrified or bolts and will run into a road to avoid that object if need be, another situation whereby being pregnant may prevent her from keeping him safe. This is a women that when taking our youngest son along to one of our daughters swimming lessons when he was just a toddler, got so involved with chatting to her friends, she had to be told, rather screamed at by someone just to let her know that our son was now sitting at the bottom of the pool, she hadn''t even noticed he had crawled off to play by the water. We were so lucky could have so easily lost him that day.

NellNoRegrets with regards to your question about the schools, the kids are under a child protection plan so have quite a bit of support through the schools and we have regular meetings where all professionals involved with the kids attend. They aren''t aware yet of current developments. I want the kids to get counselling but social services wont refer them, schools will only offer their own behavioural support services, we where even under CAMHS who where not being helpful either with any further therapy support, so need to do it privately however stbxw thinks any therapy for kids is unnecessary.