Non "consistent" parenting. . .?

Hi & Happy New Year

Not sure if I have a genuine viable concern here or if I am being over sensitive.

Divorced 2 years, separated 3.
Ex living with OW, NO kids of their own. hes 42 shes 26. Both work etc.

I "parent" our daughter as I have always. Shes 8 yrs old. She has some health issues, which I wont go into detail here, but are important in DD''s care/life.
Anyway, contact is every other weekend. He lives 80 miles away. Drop off is about half way, we meet etc. He constantly changes the times of this to suit his own social life, or that to suit him and OW etc, and is very often late.

So Xmas day was spent with me this last year and then Boxing Day, thru to New Year with him - resulting in just over a week at his house.
DD is allowed, left to stay up really late every night. She has come home with a new phone handset (has against my wish had a phone for 2 years in order to facilitate calls/texts to her Dad - I had no problem with her using my own mobile for this, but he insisted. . )
So this new phone, she showed me and I was updating the contacts in it for her for maternal grandfather etc. Saw her texts to her Dad and his GF.
On 2 nights in particular there are texts clearly when she is in bed and supposed to be going to sleep at 11pm, 12pm and 2am !!! One was NYE but still, if shes in bed. . . ?!

One of the texts was disturbing, asking her Dad if a member of the family was to die who would it be (or something to that effect), then followed by another text saying that OW wanted her(DD) to die....
A number of texts from DD saying she loved him - which is sweet but felt like she is crying out for his love and affection.
He has never done the "Putting to bed" bit, and DD has stated how he takes her to her room, says goodnight and goes.

Aside from this, her hair was smelly when she came back. She mentioned a few times how she had spent times with OW, while Daddy stayed at home etc (on one occasion she said he was ill. . after a few more snippets, its clear he was hungover).
The first night back with me she was in bed before 9pm (holidays rule is between 8-9 depending on whats happening etc).
She slept until 11.30am the following morning. . . !! She is a good sleeper, but is usually up by 8am. This morning being the 2nd morning, she again slept until 9.30am. .. .

Now I know OW has been a part of his life for a year or more, but DD is not there to spend time with OW.
He leaves her to bathe herself and wash and dry her own hair, doesnt supervise baths/showers etc. Food is also an issue there. Diet isnt great, and shes allowed to have more "treats" than at home.
Its quite clear from DD''s behavior and attitude when she gets home after a week or more spent in his "care" that shes largley left to do what the hell she wants.

Shes getting out of bed a lot, especially after just being sent to bed. Gets up with a catalogue of excuses. Cant sleep, is hot, has tummy ache, is scared (of anything from a bad dream, a noise, a spider, a scarey movie she watched at his etc etc)

I just dont know what to do. I punish the bad and encourage the good behaviour. I cant cope with the 4-5 trips downstairs every evening. Which then leads to winjy mood day after as shes tired.

I have tried time and time again to persuade him to parent a little more like me, like DD has always known, as he had little involvement when we were together. He does what he wants.
I know she is safe, warm, fed etc when shes with him, but its not fair on DD.

My main concern is that he wants to take her away for 2 weeks abroad on holiday this summer, with a big group of friends, some of whom also have kids. I can see the rest of the adults "babysitting" DD, and am afraid of him not being watchful enough, in terms of supervision from wandering, pool safety, sun screen (hes taken her for 2 x 1 week hols before and both times she came back with red/tan). I took her for 10 days last year with my Dad and she came home paler than she went !

Can I refuse him taking her abroad ? I dont want DD to think I am doing to it spoil her fun. She loves holidays. The pools/eating out etc. I would be doing it because I dont trust him.

Any advice an any of the above is very welcome.
(and yes I know he can do what he likes when she is in his care, but how much and how far do you let it go before it continues to have an affect on your child ? Mentally and physically....

Thanks x

Irritating as hell but not as big an issue as you think it is. Relax. Deep breath. Glass of wine. it''s not worth the angst.

Have to agree with pixy. This is about different parenting styles and you have to let it go.
You say yourself your daughter is safe with him. Stopping the holiday will cause conflict and that would be detrimental to your child.

Have to agree unfortunately I have a child with special needs and dad is well let''s say "crap" so send her with a couple or more factor 50 swim suits teach her to put her own sun cream on you can get the spray and go and only go out of she has her suits on my lad is a red head and goes nowhere without factor 50 and a sunsuite

My ex is also inconsistent but like you, my kids only go there alternate weekends. So try to let it go, and ignore it unless anything really dangerous is happening. At least at 8 she is old enough to not need constant supervision.
Though I would try to be firmer with strict handover times - they are really pushing the boundaries with turning up late or changing arrangements - can you put it in writing and both sign it like a parenting agreement?
The only time I spoke up when my ex was sending my then 8 year old to the local shops alone in the evening -it also happens to be the local drug dealing spot where kids older than him have been mugged in the daytime. My son was scared but didn''t want to refuse - but fortunately ex agreed not to send him when I pointed out these issues.
WIth your daughter getting up repeatedly, I suggest you be kind but firm - assuming she is not ill and you''ve had a nice goodnight ritual, just keep turning her straight around to bed with no talk or reassurance. Maybe chat to the school counsellor about the situation for some advice and support?

Thanks all for your advice. I know there is little I can do.
Its heartbreaking when you see such a loving little girl leave, and return as a moody, tired out, sometimes rude, little girl return.
Its not her fault and I am conscious not to punish her her some actions as its learned behaviour she has obviously picked up at Daddy''s.
I do enforce return to bed, no point in "letting her off" etc. that much I do put my foot down with as she does need 12 hours.... if not for her sanity for aiding her health issues.

We had a slight change in the contact recently as he walked from a job, and paid no maintenance. Yet I had learned through oru daughter and another family member that his lifestyle didnt change. So I forced him to collect her from home, as he had the time on his hands for afterschool pick up and I have to flexi time from work and work it back etc. He wasnt happy, but he did it. He''s back in work now and has paid half maintenance (so far), and I have in the back of my mind - one change of pick up/droip off time and he can either revert to home drops/collection, or stick to the time.

We did have a mediation Agreement in place at the beginnin of our separation - outlining consitancy of parenting as one of them as I knew he would falter, including diet/bedtime routine/bathing etc. As well as contact times. He never stuck to any of it... and takes it upon himself to think that we are all beneath him.
Ultimately he is a Narcissist, and there is no reasoning. He doesnt see the CM is payment for DD upkeep. he sees it as giving me money etc.
I know this "battle" will not end until she is an adult !! I despair

Zod x

Hi zodiac

As other wikis have said, it''s frustrating when parenting is inconsistent but as long as your daughter is not in danger there is little you can do.
I wonder if your ex''s partner sees that he isn''t doing a very good job and is trying to step into the breach? Hence them spending time together. She may have little or no experience with children and is just trying to do her best.

Her constantly getting up after bed time could be down to one of two reasons. The first is just her trying to challenge you. In which case, as others have suggested, it''s a firm but fair issue until it stops. The other, possible, reason is the emotional trauma of everything that''s happened. Children of that age rarely know how to express their upset or anxieties. Perhaps having a talk with her could help her with any insecurities she has.

Finally, as she is pretty much having to see to herself regards bathing etc maybe it would be an idea to help her manage better by showing her how to dry her hair, how to be safe in a shower/bath. I know where you''re coming from in that I was still very much ''hands on'' re bath time when my son was that age. Teaching her these things may give her more confidence when she''s at her dad''s and you''re not there to help.