Help

I have a nine year old child. Though I am together with her father we do not cohabit. She lives with us separately half a week each and this has been the arrangement for the last eight years or thereabouts. She is very much a "Daddy''s Girl" and I have always been incredibly jealous of their relationship. I have a temper and I admit that I have shouted at her a lot in the past. However I acknowledge my failings and I am trying to resolve them by way of self help books. I do not want to see my GP as I do not want to become emeshed in the system and the GP may refer to Children''s Services if he/she has concerns about safety etc. I admit that I need help which I am trying to seek.

On the last occasion that I saw my daughter which was new years day when the time came to drop us both off at my home she became very distressed at having to stay with me. The three of us had had a nice day together with no problems. She was in tears and this lasted until the next day when my partner came to pick her up as she did not want to stay with me any more. I was very upset by this as we had not quarrelled so I could no understand why she was behaving like this. When I asked her why she did not want to stay with me she said it was because her dad did not shout at her nor was he mean like me.

I said am awful thing when she left and I feel truly awful. When my partner left he said that he would call me later. I told him not to bother saying that I did not want to see either of them again. I am sure that my daughter heard. I also had said to him on the phone previously when asking him to pick her that I was done and that I had spent nine years trying to make this miserable situation work. Needless to say I have not heard from either of them and my partner has taken me at my word and not called! I did however go round to his house with her school shoes and PE kit duly washed and polished as the schools are back. There was no answer.

I have this fear that my daughter will not want to see me after this. My partner is due to drop her off tomorrow as per the longstanding arrangement. I am sure my partner I angry, though I can''t say I blame him. I have found the situation with us all very difficult. My partner''s sister looks after our daughter while we work, and takes her to school, and I find this difficult as I do not like her though my daughter is very close to her beloved "Auntie". Again more jealousy! Also he has all his family around him, he is from the area where we live, he has lots of friends and I feel very isolated and alone. My family are far away and I feel that I have no-one on my side. The relationship between us has also been difficult. Though he is a good father he is not always a good partner and has been emotionally cold and distant. I get no emotional support from him and he makes decisions about our daughter sometimes without consulting me. Furthermore I do not seem to be on his family''s radar, they are not particularly interested in me, not inviting me to family parties etc.

Apart from this life is grand!!

Please do not judge me. I know I have made mistakes but I recognise this. Some advice would be appreciated.

Hello BM and welcome to wiki. You are very brave, and even writing all that to total strangers took a lot of courage. You know we can give you lots of advice, but without really knowing you as a person, it''s not a lot different from reading self-help books. You need to sit down with someone you can form a supporting bond with, and that means a real person near you. You are very unhappy now, so you can only benefit from seeking professional help.

You don''t have to speak to the GP about it, but unless there is concern for your daughter''s safety, remember all conversations with you doctor are data protected.

But please don''t delay in getting some support. There is obviously damage to your relationship with your daughter already, but you can only begin to put it right by getting help for yourself first. You seem to have the determination to begin to put this right, although you say you''re lonely and without support. That''s where wikis can and will help.

Make that appointment today and get real help that virtual wiki friends can support you with. xx

Thanks for your reply, how do I get this support if I don''t go through my GP? Although I work money is tight a I only work part time so it would have to be help on a budget!

I accept that the relationship with my daughter has been damaged to some extent. Do you think I can rectify this? Do you think my daughter will remember my behaviour?

Hello BM and welcome to Wikivorce, although I''m sorry you find yourself here.

Your situation sounds very difficult for everyone, and I agree with Mitchum that it must have taken an undue amount of courage to write your post.


You can access independent counsellors who may be able to help you with your anger issues, and to whom you could also talk about the other issues you are experiencing currently. I would also suggest some honest talking between yourself and your partner - perhaps some couple counselling would help.

It does sound as though your family unit is fractured - may I ask the reason why you and your partner have never lived together (if that''s not being too nosey?) Would more time together as a family unit help you all?

It sounds as though your partner has taken you at your word and is creating some distance for the time being - but it has only been a few days, and perhaps you all need some time for reflection and to think - perhaps after a short period apart you and he will be more clear about what you both want from this relationship.

I''m not a health professional, so this is going to be just my random thoughts about what you''ve expressed in your posts. I sense a very sad and frightened person and this could be the start of the changes you need to make.

You don''t want this to continue, but your unhappiness is making you say things you later regret which makes things even worse. Is the unhappiness linked to the breakdown of your relationship with her father and it''s coming out in your treatment of her because she prefers to be with him? You have to work on your happiness and well-being first. When you''re feeling a lot happier about yourself, that will be reflected in your dealings with you daughter.

This is going to take a lot of hard work from you, but I''m sure in time you will be able to convince her and your partner that you''ve changed. A happier Mum who can smile and mean it will be more attractive to her than the Mum who says the things you''ve told us you said.

If money is tight, all the more reason to ask for counselling on the NHS.

You can do this, but I truly think you will need help. xx

Thanks for your reply. My partner and I did live together for six months but it did not work out too well and I moved out. I don''t think it helped that I moved into his house, I really think we should have got a place together and made a fresh start. We do talk still about living together but I think we are both scared!

The independent counsellors you talk of I am assuming are accessible on the internet? Are they expensive? I have found a therapist in my village and she offers a free 30 minutes so I thought I would try her. I do not think that my partner will be up for Counselling. I think that this would be a very good idea and I would defo do it but he is very private. I also think that more family time would help, we simply do not spend much time together as a family at all. My partner always seems to be working, he has his own business, and when he is not working he can be tired and snappy. On the rare days out we have both myself and my daughter can be on the receiving end of this so family days out are not always happy ones!


As I have said I am somewhat reluctant to see my GP as I am never sure how confidential issues such ass these are.

Thanks, jut as well I have never been afraid of hard work!