why do my children hate me

thanks again for all the replies.

vastra you are right i have loads more to do know at the moment i only work part time but will have to go full time soon and dont think i will be able to keep up when i do.

if i ask them to do anything around the house they throw a strop and phone stbx to pick them up.

really dont want to go down the road of telling them what a --- stbx is but its so tempting.

its laughable really as i spend my life in the kitchen cooking and baking especially when i am stressed so spending lots of time in the kitchen now ha ha.

my mum keeps telling me i do too much for them and should start thinking about myself more but thats difficult when you are a mum.

just going to have to bite my lip and maybe oneday i will be the hero that their dad is.

by the way he doesnt even cook for them when they visit they have take away.

mumof3

Your children are hurt, angry, confused and probably scared as their life has suddenly been tipped upside down. They are lashing out as at that age it is still often incredibly difficult for them to articulate their feelings. It is also very common for them to lash out at the those they feel closest too.

Many of their actions will stem from fear. If you think about it their father walked out - they may see that as walking away from them as well as you. They then ''behave'' with that parent as they are afraid they will lose them altogether. Makes sense, yes? However, they will be doing these things subconsciously - they don''t understand or recognise how their emotional feelings are affecting them.

As I said before, I''ve been where you are, though I only had the one to cope with. If I''m honest, the stress of the divorce/financials was nothing compared to dealing with my son''s emotional trauma.

I notified his head of year at school about what was going on and I''m glad I did as the problems eventually manifested themselves there too. They monitored him, gave him some anger management counselling and made sure he knew he could just go to head of house when he found himself in situations where his anger was about to boil over. Frequently he would go there, sit for 10 minutes whilst he calmed down and then go back to lessons when he felt ok. This went on from year 7 well into year 9. Maybe this is something you could look into.

It is hard, very, very, hard not to retaliate but I agree with other wikis that for now always count to 10 before you speak. There may come a time later when they start saying similar things to you about their dad. Quite normal for kids to play one parent off against another, even in happy families who are all still together, but yes, it can become more extreme in separated/divorced families.

I agree now is the time to begin giving the younger ones some chores, explain that as you will be looking to work full time soon they need to help out. Yes, you will get strops and temper tantrums, but stick to your guns. I''m afraid to say it may get worse before it gets better but hang in there, you will come through it. Mine got to the point of punching holes in doors and snapping calculators in half! But we got there in the end! Yes, I have many more grey hairs but so what!
Bearing in mind whilst this was going on I was going through the menopause, had to have cataract surgery on both eyes and was a full time carer for my late mum. You CAN do it and you WILL do it - just take it one day at a time and, after very bad days remind yourself that tomorrow is another day and don''t let the previous day''s trouble roll over to the following day.

Sorry for such a long reply, and you know you can PM me whenever you need to - even if it''s just someone to moan to or use as a sounding board.

thanks so much again.
i am so glad i found this site the support and advice has been fantastic.

feeling a little better today and yes they have had a lovely homecooked sunday roast today.ha ha.

13 year old has spent most of the day in her room but i have pasted a big smile on my face and been pleasent even though i feel liking telling her a few home truths.

as in previous posts i suppose i am just scared that i am doing everything wrong and they will want to go and live with him.

not that he really wants them.

half is probably down to teenage hormones and i am a little sensitive myself at the moment.
i have visions of social services swooping in and taking my poor half starved children away to feed them up.o!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is no pastoral care at my sons school i am trying to access some counselling for them but its no easy to get.

just hope things get better in time before i lose the plot .
thanks again everyone.

Hi Mumof3

I''ve come to the conclusion that children will tell whichever parent they are with what they think they want to hear. Even my older son has said this to me of his younger brother. He is of the opinion that his brother feels he will be told off by whichever parent he is with at the time for not "taking their side". My older son is 16 and the younger 11.

I now don''t bother asking my boys what they did, who went etc when they come back from being with their dad. I gave that up a long time ago. I now look at them being with their dad as a necessity, an evil one to me, but necessary to them.

My older son is very mature for his age so I try and treat him like an adult. The younger one I am seeing some quite concerning behaviour - but this may be down to him reaching puberty or what''s happened to me and his dad or a bit of both. He''s very argumentative and feels he can get away with anything. I''m waiting for the "dad doesn''t make me do it" or "dad let''s me do it" scenarios.

Your children don''t hate you I can assure you of that. I''ve been told that when our children become adults themselves they will soon come to realise who was there for them day after day after day, and you know what it us, not their dad. (For anyone reading this, please do not take this as a general comment that dads aren''t there for their children, this is just specific to the situation being discussed).

I am not a child of separated or divorced parents, so I cannot possibly know what children go through when it happens.

We''ve both got a long way to go. I don''t know if you speak to your children to try and reassure them. I have regularly separate chats with mine and encourage them to tell me their feelings.

Hope this helps.

With the chores, I suggest you work out a fair proposal about what chores they will be doing and make pocket money, phone credit, lifts or whatever you are doing for them part of the deal. That gives them some motivation and a consequence. Maybe speak to some other parents with kids the same age to trade ideas. I really feel for you having to manage alone with them getting bailed out by the absent "good cop" who is not helping your cause at all.
I''m not saying you should badmouth your ex but do they at least have some understanding that dad left by choice? I''m wondering what they are making of it all if they know very little. Some sort of age appropriate explanation is reasonable - mine were 8 & 10 and knew Dad was unhappy & chose to leave.

think that might be an idea re chores and pocket money.
with all that has been going on i just do everything myself as it ends up in a row and they end up phoning good cop to come and rescue them from mean mummy.

have been to see a solicitor this morning and had a very enlightening conversation with her over what rights he has over the children.

starting to feel a little more assured of my position now and i think things are going to have ti change in my house wether they like it or not.

i have tried to explain to them the reason their dad left but at the moment they choose to believe his version of events.

maybe in time it will all work out ok and they will realise who will always have their back.
i refuse to sink down to his level and mess their heads up any further.

part of me wishes he would just vanish and leave us all in peace to get on with our lives but maybe one day.

thanks again all you lovely people on here you are all angels.

It was pointed out to me once (not with ref to my children admittedly but with ref to a horrible crime against someone vulnerable) that sometimes people despise weakness,maybe because they fear weakness in themselves or in their loved ones.

Since then I have sometimes wondered whether something like this applies with regards to my children being aggressive towards me when I am down. i.e. just when I feel I can least deal with it. Mostly they are lovely, mature, helpful and kind. But just occasionally. One of my children is staying with my x, who presumably is at least outwardly successful and cheerful and therefore reassuring.

Just a thought....

PS re chores etc - my kids have always done age appropriate chores around the house (dishwasher, bed making, laundry) - not only because I don''t want to be a skivvy, but because when they leave home or live with others I want them to be capable of living independently, or as considerate and civilised flatmates. We do our children no favours by indulging them. I also do not pay for these jobs. They do them because they need doing and because we help each other (and because no one will pay them for it when they grow up). I don''t want them saying ''fine! keep your money!'' and having to negotiate with them. Families are all different of course but that is the way we have done it and we started young.