why do my children hate me

i am so sad.partner walked out 3 months ago 3 kids 17 13 11.

it has been a very traumatic breakup and he has made it terrible at every stage.
i have tried so hard to be the better person and not called their dad and made sure he has full access at all times.

my oldest boy whom i didnt have the best relationship with has been a star and very supportive.think he sees through what stbx is doing but my younger twos behaviour is terrible.

nothing i do seems to be good enough and last night my oldest boy told me that when my 13 year old goes to her dads she spends the whole time running me down.
tells him i am lazy that i never cook any dinners for them there is never any food in the house ect.
this is all a complete fabrication of course as i do everything for them they dont do any chores at all and i cook everynight.

i am so hurt by their attitude and hostitility towards me as i wasnt the one who left but dont want to betray my oldests boys trust by saying anything.

has anyone else faced this and what did you do.

it makes me so sad as stbx seems to want to wreck my relationship with my kids and i have never run him down in front of them.even though i am tempted to.

please has anyone got any advice as i am at my wits end with them and does it get better.

Hi Mum of 3

First a big hug ((()))

Secondly, it is a very tough situation for you and for your children. 13 and 11 are difficult ages, raging hormones etc and learning about adult things but still being children. Separating parents adds to the complexity of things.

It may be that the 13 year old is saying things that she thinks her Dad wants to hear, to please him and keep his affection. She must know what she is saying isn''t true. Or she may want to run you down to him because she is angry that you have split up and takes stbx''s view that it''s your fault.

None of this is easy. I''d suggest you don''t pay any attention to what your eldest tells you about what is going on when they are at stbx''s.
Just concentrate on trying to be the same Mum you were before all this - look after them but don''t indulge them or run down your stbx.

If it helps, my Mum, with whom I have an excellent relationship, tells me I was a total cow when I was 14, which is not something my memory bears out. I think we probably clashed because I was hormonal and a bit stroppy and she was menopausal and overly sensitive.

Hang on in there.

I agree hang in there my daughter at that age turned into "Kevin" thought the whole world was against her and I was the worlds worst mum!! We have a great relationship now she is 23.

She did tell me afterwards that she felt as if she had to be like that as her friends were all doing it plus I did put her on vitamin B12 which helps with the hormones for boys and girls.

Just keep doing what you are doing don''t rise to it

Xxx

thanks so much for the reply.
i just feel so heartbrokern as we always had such a great relationship before but now it seems that i cant do anything right.
i try had not to react but it makes me so so sad that she feels she can treat me like this.maybe i am too soft but i cant believe the things she is saying to her dad. oldest boy isnt trying to cause any trouble bless him she has been telling me lots of lies about him as well.

its like she wants to cause disharmony and i just dont understand.

will try not to rise to the bait.

I used to feel sorry for my son when he was younger and came back from his dad''s saying what a terrible time he had had until one time I overheard him on a weekend away with me on the phone telling his dad what an awful time he was having! He wasn''t, but my sympathy with him when he came back from his dad''s with tales stopped from then on.

I don''t know why they do it and I would never have thought my son was one to make things up but please don''t think bad of your children, I guess it''s just their way of coping and still wanting love from each parent.

Divorce is hardenough for the parents but is 10 times harder for the children.
They have to get used to 2 homes split times with parents etc with all the hormones as well.
I think they may be feeling a little insecure as it''s still very early days for them.It may also explain your exs behaviour as I remember your previous post.
All you can do is be there for them and reasure them that both parents still love them xx

You are very strong to resist the temptation to point out who left and why you are all in this situation. Glad your eldest is mature enough to understand, but it must be awful having your younger two stirring like this. Probably they are dumping on the one person who can take it, but it hurts so much for you at the time.
My eldest was very upset in the early months after ex left and would bash his head on concrete walls and scream at me to leave him alone. Ex never got any of this, he asks me how the boys are faring. No doubt they are terrified to do or say anything that might cause their dad to reject them too.
I noticed you said you do everything for them, but you probably have more than ever to do with your STBX gone, and at their ages I would be allocating them chores. Mine are younger than yours and unpack the dishwasher, set the table and take out rubbish sometimes.