Please help, advice needed

Hi
I am currently seperated from my wife as she had an affair and is still with the guy. She informed me yesterday that she intends on introducing this person to my 2 daughters (aged 13 and 16) as her "new" boyfriend even though the affair had been going on for 6 months before i discovered it.

I have told her I am not happy about this as my 16 year old has just entered her final GCSE year and my youngest has just moved schools due to bullying issues and is having panic attacks due to our seperation. Both of my girls are very vunerable at the moment and my 16 yr old has expressed to me no wish to meet this guy. I have been to see my solicitor regarding a divorce. I have been told Not by the solicitor) i may be able to get a prohibited steps or specific issue order against my wife introducing her new partner to my kids for a certain length of time due to their emotional state and the fact the disruption it may cause considering the importance of my daughters exams and the trauma they have both already suffered due to the seperation, it has only been 8 weeks !!! Anybody able to offer me some advice, im so worried about my kids. Thanks

Generally Parental Responsibility gives both parents equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means important decisions (e.g. where children live and when they have contact) needs to be agreed but day-to-day to issues such as who children meet when they are staying with a parent can be decided unilaterally.

IT is possible to apply to court for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent something which is causing emotional harm. However there would need to be independent professional evidence from school, doctors, social services etc that the children aren''t surviving satisfactorily and that introducing the new partner is the root cause of the problem rather than the breakdown of your parenting relationship.

Rather than a court application a better option would be to offer a palm branch and attending counselling with your wife to reconcile your parenting relationship if at all possible.

Sorry you are going through that very painful situation. I have experience of the family courts it is a very slow and unforgiving process. I honestly think you wIll be wasting your money trying to get a prohibited steps order they are mainly to prevent people moving miles away from NRP with children. You would need a solicitor to try to prove the emotional abuse aspect which may be difficult....


Please take time to think - stay calm and only communicate via E mail so you have proof should it go to family court....good luck....

Hi Anon

Selfish aren''t they, our exs? My children were introduced to the OW without my knowledge after she moved in with my ex. I accept that my ex did not need my permission for the introduction but it would have been respectful of him to have told me, but hey they have no respect for anyone, least of all us. Yet again another example of his sneaking around and getting my children to "lie" to me about what he has done to us.

You are probably not going to like this, as I didn''t when I was told it, but what your ex does in her time with your children is none of your concern, unless of course it is harming the welfare of your children.

My son sat his GCSE''s 6 months after the sh*t hit the fan when I found out about his dad''s relationship with OW. My son did brilliantly in his exams and I could not have been more proud of him. I know each child is different, but I can assure you your elder daughter will more resilient then you may think. If you elder daughter does not want to meet the OM, has she told your ex? If so, your ex is only thinking of herself, which I think is a classic example of the me, me me attitude.

My heart goes out to you, I and many other Wikis know the exact feelings you are having right now. They are horrible. It''s just one of those things we need to let go of because we have no control over it. No amount of dwelling on it helps. I had a massive fit of anger when I found out and confronted my ex by going round his place. My boys weren''t there at the time. That was the last time I saw him. Yo need to try and be the better person, the more she knows your feelings towards this and anything else to do with your separation the more she knows she can wind you up.

Please accept, and accept it quickly that your ex is going to do things without you liking them. You will feel so much better when you do. When my boys are not with me I try and keep busy - paperwork, exercise, tidying up, meeting friends and family, anything you can think of so you don''t think of what they are all doing together. It will be far from happy families, and hey your daughter is 16 so has her own mind. If my son has other things to do instead of seeing his dad, I think great he''s leading his own life.

Good Luck x

Hi All

Thankyou for your advice. I guess i have no control over her introducing the new partner to my girls and it will be a waste of time and energy to pursue this through the courts. I really want to just protect my girls and am thinking of offering mediation to the ex. Im just wondering if this is all worth it as its just going to cause more upset for my girls and i dont want them to have to be dragged through anymore.
Looks like im going to have some very deep thinking to do and maybe just accept the situation for what it is. I am seeing my solicitor tommorow so will get them to help me to decide the best course of action.

I''m so sorry you''re in this situation, it is really tough to deal with the insensitive behaviour of our ex-partners. Safest to expect the worst and do not trust them!
The timings were very similar for me - ex involved with OW (son''s music teacher) for at least 6 months before I finally dragged the truth out of him, then within a couple of months he wanted the kids to start hanging out with their new step mum to be on his minimal alternate weekend access. When I tried to get him to put himself in his sons'' shoes and imagine how they might feel, he came out with "I think they will be happy for me!". The fact that they knew her and he children before made it worse but he couldn''t see that. Sad truth is, he has never been capable of empathy and has always bulldozed his way through life, so this wasn''t really out of character.
I did email him in as neutral a way as possible asking him to delay the meeting, suggesting that in the long run they would probably accept the stepfamily better if they were given some time to adjust to it. So I had to appeal to the only thing that mattered to him, which was OW''s feelings, not those of his kids, and certainly not mine. He delayed it an extra month but really there is nothing I could have done to stop it. I just asked him to make 1 on 1 time with them a priority and let him know how much they enjoyed that when it happened (which was true).
Mediation is also a great idea - anyone neutral will have a better chance of being heard than you. And of course your girls may well tell mum what they think of her idea, and may well realise themselves he was the reason for the split.