Alcoholic wife, what happens to kids?

Hi all

I''m in the process of divorcing my alcoholic wife after twelve years of marriage. We have four kids 11yrs to 4yrs.

At the moment I''m sleeping away at nights in a rented room, but coming back to do the breakfasts, school runs, teatime and bedtime, then away again. My wife works part time, but I gave up work last year to look after the kids once her drinking became uncontrollable.

My wife has been to rehab and says that she is sober now, but she has a history of lying, and I can''t be sure as I''m not with her 24/7. Children''s services have recently become involved due to a couple of drink related incidents.

My main worry is about the kids. I understand that mothers usually get the house and custody, but what if they''re incapable of guaranteeing their safety?


Thanks.

Hello, and welcome to Wikivorce.

I think the first thing you should do is move back in to the family home - you are already provding the main day-to-day care of your children, and given your wife''s addiction, you really need to be in the home for your children. This will also strengthen your position.

While it won''t be comfortable living in the same house as your wife, you need to ensure that the children are safe.

Ruth

Hi Ruth, thanks.

I haven''t moved out, just sleeping out. All my stuff''s still in the house. My wife doesn''t want anything to do with me but I can''t sleep on the sofa any more.

Once the divorce is complete, what happens then?

Although I feel like I want to just get away from it all and let her get on with it, I can''t bring myself to let the kids be pawns in all this until something terrible happens.

Neither can I leave and take the kids with me, or get her to leave, as she will have custody and the home.

Should I bite the bullet and get social services more involved with the kids?


Thanks
Steve

It''s not a given that your wife will get the house and the children - each case is looked at on it''s own merits.

You will need to negioate a financial settlement during the divorce proceedings, proably with the aid of mediation. The first thing to resolve is with whom the children will live, and how often they will spend time with each parent. The divorce itsef doesn''t deal with,. or resolve any outstanding issues relating to the children or finances, it simply dissolvee the marriage.

Although you haven''t moved your belongings out, the fact you are no longer sleeping in the family home and have secured accomodation elsewhere would suggest that your housing needs are met, by returning to the family home and sleeping there, you are not only on hand to care for your children during the night but as said previously, strengthening your position.

You must make sure the children are safe and cared for, and that means sleeping in the family home - I know you feel that you can''t live like you were anymore, and having been previously married to an alcoholic, I understand that; but you must ensure the children are safe - if you find it difficult, image how they feel?

If you want some information on what a fair settlement would be, then you would need to answer the following questions so our members can advise you:

Your respective ages

length of marriage, inc any pre-marital co-habitation

number and ages of children

a list of the marital assets

a list of the marital debts

your respective incomes

your resepctive outgoings

anyother information that you feel is relevant.

The position is that (1) the mother is an alcoholic and the children are at risk, (2)the mother has a drink problem or is a functional alcoholic and the kids are not at risk or, (3) the mother no longer drinks.

If (1) is the case, you should not leave the children in the case of the mother. By leaving the children you are acknowledging that there is no risk. If there is a risk you must take action.

There is a bias towards mothers when residence is decided, particularly if the mother was the main carer of the children. However, if there is significant risk posed to the children this must be resolved first.

Charles