General advice re CAO please!

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I''m after some general advice if you''d be so kind.

After a fantastic 5.5 year relationship, 2 year marriage, then sudden and traumatic death of my mother in law 3 weeks before the birth of our second child my husband shut down emotionally and after being caught out by me 6 weeks into an affair with a colleague left our home 14 weeks ago. Since then he has moved in with the other woman and seems to be paying lip service only to our 4.5 year old and 10 month old. He wanted to talk divorce 3 weeks after leaving and has become completely estranged from his father and siblings with whom he was previously close and in regular contact, so has executed a total personality change and is not in touch with reality as far as I can tell.

After sporadic contact with our children and an apparent lack of confidence in looking after both of them at once (he''s never had to as I''m still on maternity leave) I have insisted on supervising contact between them. This has taken place at my father in law''s house until last weekend when I have decided this is causing my already grieving father in law too much stress and so I have now stated that contact must be within our family home.

Anyway my husband seems fixated on the idea of erasing me from his life to the extent of refusing to discuss with me, even through his solicitor, what questions our 4 year old has asked about his departure, how I have answered her questions, how he should answer her questions and so on. He will converse with me by text about money but won''t ask how the kids are.

We have both been to a MIAM but he has since applied for a child arrangements hearing and says he is not prepared to attempt mediation. He has a solicitor but I do not as cannot afford one. He is paying me some maintenance but says the bills are my problem.

My questions are will his refusal to attempt mediation have any impact on the court hearing?
Is he at a big advantage in having a solicitor?
I have the backing of the local authority family support unit who are supporting myself and the children by providing some funded nursery time for my son and trying to arrange counselling for my daughter as well as allocating me a family support worker for emotional support and a CAF case is open which I will have the notes about so this is some evidence. The lead practitioner agrees that my daughter has had too many changes in a short time (gran''s death, baby brother''s birth, daddy leaving suddenly, finishing nursery, starting school) and so needs a transition phase to build up their relationship and also not be told that daddy has a new home and a new girlfriend! So I''m hoping this will have some impact but what is the possible outcome of the hearing? I''ve formulated an offer of access which I would have given at mediation but he won''t go so will I get to offer this in court?

Thanks in advance for any guidance, I haven''t a clue what I''m doing and am just really fearful for the further emotional damage my husband is going yo inflict on our kids.

Can''t offer much advice but wanted to welcome you.

You will soon hear from other wikis who know more than I do about arrangements re children (mine are older and vote with their feet). It has all proved very damaging to our children, although on the surface they are fine. With the benefit of a little distance now (it''s almost three years since he left) I would say that probably the most important thing right now is for you to look after yourself. I fell to bits when I was abandoned with my children and I think they found that very distressing. Yours being younger won''t feel they have to look after you, but will of course pick up on your feelings.

I don''t think his refusal to attempt mediation will make any difference, and from what I have seen online here, nor will his having a solicitor while you don''t. You will find plenty of help on this site from the various resources including people, many of whom have ''lipped'' (Litigant in Person).

And incidentally, the seemingly incomprehensible and complete personality change is absolutely par for the course - read any of our stories, it is the same every time. X is replaced by an alien. This is bewildering and lends the whole ghastly situation an even more kafkaesque air. You sound as though you have your head screwed on. Take care of yourself, and take as much help on here and elsewhere as you possibly can. Good luck x

Bumping for more advice. Thanks Eliza

Bump - Can anyone offer any advice?