How can i see my babies?

Following on from this thread: www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice...ituation/Page-2.html

My wife has now moved out (with her 3 children and our 9 week old twins). Altho with her she took everything that was hers and most of the "joint" stuff that I paid for (and am still paying for on my credit card) and took the joint account (I''ve now had it frozen) well overdrawn on her way...

Anyway, I''ve only seen the twins once in the last 2 weeks and that was at a hospital appointment. the last 2 weekends she has been too busy for me to see her and the twins (even for 5 minutes) so arranged for her to meet me one lunchtime this week (I work full time).

This morning she text me to say she can''t meet me as she can''t afford the fuel (It''s about a 7 mile trip). I know this is rubbish as she does have some money and one of her transactions last week on the joint account was £56 of fuel so im sure she has plenty.

It''s obvious that a) she''s being awkward about me seeing the twins and b) she''s trying to play the lack of money card for me to give her some more.

Without going into detai (can if it helps) she has had plenty of money from me in the last few weeks for her to get by)

What she doesnt appreciate is that im still paying for all the stuff she has taken. I paid for everything whilst she was still in the house and i was at my parents - that included her spending sprees on clothes, reducing the overdraft etc. Plus I can''t move back into my own house with my children yet as I can''t afford all the furniture I need (having had to clear the overdraft).

I''ve made enquiries about mediation but can''t afford the fees (need to get furniture first!) and im not legible for legal aid.

What can i do to get to see my babies?

Hello Pained,

It''s important that you establish a good routine as soon as you can so that you can bond with your babies.

Mediation would be a good move, but in the interim I would suggest you come up with a proposal for your wife regarding the babies spending time with you. This could be something as simple as coming to her house to help with bathtimes/feeding times/bedtimes, or to spend a couple of hours with the babies while she gets some rest. I would suggest proposing something going forward for the next 3 months. Is Mum breast-feeding?

The professional advice for very young children and babies is that contact should be little and often - every other weekend wouldn''t work when your babies are just a few weeks old - ideally you should be able to spend time with them every day or every other day.

You need to remain child-focused when having discussion with her about the twins - don''t bring the money stuff into the discussion, don''t jump to conclusions based on assumptions - stick to the facts and what is best for the children.

I mentioned to her that the accoutn was overdrawn but other than that haven''t gone into money issues or even asked back for the posessions she took (one of which was a £700 washing machine i bought).

My wife does not like to do verbal communication but her written communication is short/curt (and can be misinterpreted as can my replies), which is why i prefer verbal communication. She wont speak to me on the phone. She doesn''t answer then will send a text saying she can''t speak as one of the twins is crying.

Like I said the last 2 weekends i''ve not been allowed to see the twins as she''s busy. I can''t see them in the evening as the evenings are too hectic for her.

I''ve offered to look after them (even at her house) for short periods so she can get on with other things but she says she''s not ready to leave the twins with anyone yet (she will leave them with her mum for hours at a time and she has no other friends to leave them with so that leaves me, their daddy and her husband). I''ve offered to go into work late so I can see the twins in the morning but got no reply.

The weird thing is I can''t tell you what our relationship status is. We had agreed it was a case of living apart but being together still, I was happy to give that a go but everything she is doing indicates its not what she wants but when i ask her what she wants she is non commmital - she''s too busy, she needs space (she''s had nearly 6 weeks now)

Maybe I''ll have to give her another couple of weeks and if I dont get any more regular access write her a letter/email stating what access I would like now and longer term. eg for now at least see them for a couple of hours every weekend and one evening during the week or one morning with me going in to work late. Longer term, once they are settled in the night and have a good routine I would like them overnight every other weekend.

She is bottle feeding (she wouldnt let me help much with that either but would let her mum..).

I just can''t comprehend the behaviour at all other than its a mixture of post birth hormones and her mum''s influence but not sure there''s ever going to be something I can do about it.

Just to say pained if you can move into the FMH the sooner the better to save yourself costs.

You will still be responsible for council tax even if you get an empty home reduction, as well as gas/electricity charges even if only standing charges.

With regard to the washing machine she clearly needs one due tothe age of the babies, but if you do not have one buy a second hand one.

You could try freecycle
gumtree
or facebook type in forsale then your town/city for example for sale woking if you have a facebook account, if not consider opening one.


Just to try and save money you do not need new furniture.

Thank you. Most of the furniture ive picked up so far has been from gumtree/ebay. Still need to get cutlery, crockery, curtains, curtain poles. I''m still paying the Council tax and the bills.

re: the washing machine. I agreed she could have the tumble dryer and she could have the washing machine for now, until I moved back then I would want want the washing machine back and would consider buying her a second hand one (despite giving her a fair bit of money already and her taking the joint account overdrawn). I''ve still got 2 children to look after.

Further down the line, if if I could prove I''ve purchased items she has (or am paying for items she has taken on my credit card) and have paid all her bills and funded spending on clothes etc in the last month would this count in any financial settlement?

No all debts go into the pot assets go in debts go in the pot gets split but if she has no earning capacity and can clearly demonstrate a need you may get dumped with the debt.

Sorry I can not give you better news just advice which is you cant afford to run two homes so move back into the one thats empty, as it will reduce your outgoings.

Im at my mum and dads until I get the stuff I need to be able to move home, which will hopefully be at the weekend.

She is in her own house paid for by benefits etc. Which is what she was doing just over a year ago before she moved in with me.

I dont mind paying the debts, its not too much. Just wondering if as I can prove I paid for items I can either claim them back (as she took from the house without consent) or if she was to keep them the value would be knocked off any financial settlement.

Main concern at the moment is getting to see (or not) the twins.