Dad is more fun

A quote from my son, aged 14: "I want to go and live with Dad because he is fun and doesn''t make me do stuff."
I can''t disagree with him...Dad is a lot more fun and doesn''t make him do things like homework and music practice. After all that''s my job, isn''t it?!! But it is heartbreaking to hear my son say that he doesn''t want to live with me.

This must happen all the time to parents, so how do you cope?

R

In my experience ''Dad'' just chucks money at the kids or situation. My x never went to the school parent evenings, never moved my daughter in/out of digs whilst she was in university(Probably too busy having affairs).I can quite honestly say that i raised my children on my own...all he did was earn money and it was a good wage...he has nothing to show for it , probably spent it all on his fancy women(yes i''m bitter but trying to not let it destroy me). They are NOT more fun they''re just irresponsible. You keep doing what you''re doing, your son will respect you in the long run.

14 year old doesn''t want to do homework/music practice, hmm, sends mum on a guilt trip for being a good parent, total identification here!

i encourage wholeheartedly my (just 15) year old daughters relationship with her dad. He cancels contact with her because his social life takes precedence, he doesn''t attend parents evenings, know who her friends are.
When she (rarely) says," I''ll go and live with dad" I laugh and offer to pack for her!

My daughter comes first, if she doesn''t do homework, there are consequences, likewise with music practice, but not necessarily from me, from her school, tutors etc.

She knows she is loved by both of us, and that she has two homes, thing is, she actually wouldn''t want to live with him. In our home we have mutual respect and a lot of love and laughter and most importantly, boundaries.
Have faith in your ability to parent your son, don''t allow him to guilt trip you or play games with your feelings. Maybe even tell him if he really feels he would be better off with dad to give it a try, he can always come back.
It''s not easy being a divorced parent but do uphold your values, he will learn that you don''t cave in to emotional blackmail and it''s not an acceptable way to behave.
Good luck

Tink

Personally if my son said that to me I would have packed his bag and dropped him on his dads doorstep. Its emotional blackmail and needs to be stopped in its tracks.

Thank you for the supportive messages.
Wise words Tinkerbell, and very reassuring.

You are right, this is a teenager doing what teenagers do - kicking against boundaries and probably showing how stressed and insecure he is feeling.

I am the ''constant'' in his life and he knows that my love is unconditional, so I should feel more confident in that knowledge. Your right, I need to uphold my values!

I have a 17 year old daughter as well and I need to create a secure, loving home for us now, as a family of 3.

Many thanks,
R

I also will heed your advice.

My 13yr old has said he thinks about living with dad because he is fed up with his brothers temper - my 11 yr old has his dad''s temper and control but has refused to see his dad for last 4 months and is just struggling emotionally and is very hard work.

My STBX was very abusive in his control and temper and unfortunately my youngest has inherited this. But I am terrified my oldest will move to his dad''s, whose currently being treat time dad not making him do homework but do gaming instead whenever he wants, rather than being the nasty tempered dad he is and I have to try and trust in the fact he will soon enough resort to type.

But I get its hard and scary at the thought of losing them, I''ve been their constant all their life with STBX only being there when work or social life permitted.

I fear it''s because I''m female he wants to live with dad (which would involve moving schools) I''m not into gaming but do try to do different things with them.

I will also try to believe in the fact I''m their constant, I try my best to show them how to be a good kind person and listen and respect others, or is that just a whole load of BS I''m trying to convince myself is true?!???!?

I wonder if you remember being an adolescent? I wouldn''t want to repeat all that angst and insecurity.

In any family there will be times when one or both parents will not agree, most kids learn how to play their parents to some extent, it''s part of growing up.

In a separation or divorce we as adults have opinions based on our own experiences of our ex partners, some of which are entirely correct, and some which are influenced by our hurt and anger, and even our grief.

Children are the product of two people, in these cases those people are no longer a couple, but the child will always be a little bit of both parents, good and bad. It''s so important to allow these children to find their own views and be allowed to be themselves, and to express their feelings.

My ex husband was not the greatest parent when we were together, I can''t say I was Mary Poppins! He is the best parent he is able to be with the tools he has available to him, ( lots of film watching & gaming, but communication never his forte).

Have faith in your abilities to parent, as a single parent in the best way that you can. Boundaries are essential, pushing against them is part of growing up, they may not like you, but they will love you.