Dealing with your childs emotions

As a caring Dad I try to be a good Dad too. maybe I try too hard being the non resident parent. I am really struggling to cope with my daughters emotions.

She is 20 and at Uni well away from home. When back she resides with Mum and her new beau in the old family home which beau is knocking about to put his stamp on it. Something my daughter hates. £he is destroying our home dad".
Both her mother and I support her financially to the tune of 20-25% of our joint income to pay for her accommodation / course costs and living costs. I text 2/3 times a week to say hi and check in. Try and speak weekly too.

The problems come when she comes home. Brought to a head over Christmas. We make plans to go to pics / dinner / shopping etc but 4 times out of 5 I get a cancellation text... "Mum says I have to...". The ex dictated what would happen over Christmas... but I was pleased to have my daughter with my family for xmas lunch and a 2 hour evening meal one eve this week.... that is however it for the three week xmas break. Given we live 1/2 mile apart that''s tough. So with a week to go until she goes back we planned a couple of evenings out next week. Then I chat to a friend yesterday and he says is your daughter looking forward to going skiing? When, with who etc I ask. She is going with his daughter for a week! Shocked... she is making evening plans with me and my elderly mother???
Confronting her gently today saying what a great opportunity for a holiday etc... she confirmed. Says she feared my reaction as she would not be spending time with me! She booked it a year ago though?

I am left looking at myself thinking why cant she tell me... I would only offer her spending money and jealousy as I could not do such things at her age.

I feel hurt and sad she feels she can not talk to me. I am lost as to how to deal with this tbh. I have told her I will back off but to be honest I don''t pressurise her much to see me. I had planned a big garden party for her 21st in the summer which she was buzzing about a month ago.... now "its only happening because it is what you want dad"! so that idea is cancelled... marquee, hog roast, bands x2, everyone camping on the field next door organised. Maybe its because the two sides of the family are bickering still? She cant see us all playing happy families for her.

I dunno..... dealing with a 20 year old daughter was never going to be easy I suppose.

Heeeelp!!

Well, one side of this is, yes, she''s having to cope with separated parents, which is tough. But she also wants to have her own life.

When I was just a bit older than her, I was living with my ex and Christmas was taken up entirely with my family and his family. Don''t get me wrong, we enjoyed it, but I also felt there was no time for ME. We were always visiting his grandmother or fitting things in to suit his brother etc. Looking back, I wish we''d said we wanted our own Christmas alone, but I was concerned not to upset anyone or rock the boat.

I didn''t have a family do when I was 21 and I would have HATED it!

Have you actually asked her what she wants, or did you come up with the idea, so she felt she had to fit in with it?

It''s hard to let our children grow up and let go of them - but that''s our job. My two sons, 23 and 21 live with me at the moment. But although we had a good time at Christmas, they don''t normally spend much time with me. They''re living their lives and I''m living mine.

I understand where you are coming from Nell but... There is a huge differance from being the resident parent where you at least feel their presence and share a house.. To being non resident and not seeing them at all.

That said I get where you are coming from. It is a double edged sword though. Her mother accuses me of not helping / not being interested / not contacting etc. My daughter though says she feels pressured by both sides wanting to see her?

Party... An idea we discussed when we went away for a weekend. She was keen, chose the bands she wanted, was discussing themes etc. we did a similar thing for her 18th. I have called it off. Told her we can resurrect it and start planning agsin if it''s what she wants but I will support whatever she wants to do. It was not a family party. All her friends, plus close family obv... But yes that was my feeling. Assumed she would want that... Wrongly possibly.

She said she was free to meet up today. No call / text or anything to say when or where. Not Even to say she can''t make it? Do I now start texting her? Asking if she is coming? She has already said she feels pressurised!

Walking on egg shells.

It is hard. I am sure your situation is not as easy as mine - though it is tough if you are in the same room with two people who don''t have anything in common with you - I love reading, they love football, we have completely different tastes in music and films.

But I DO know that trying to get them to communicate is difficult. They are much more likely to talk to me if I don''t pester them (they would see it as pestering!). I''ve been much more offhand this Christmas and they''ve both been much more generous with their presents!

I think they sense neediness and aren''t sure how to deal with it, so instinctively back off.

So I''d say, try that. No harm in sending a text to let her know you''re thinking of her, but then try and find something else. My sons often want to talk/phone when I''m out enjoying myself with friends or absorbed in a tv drama, rather than when I appear to be at a loose end.

All the best for the 2016.