Son does not want to go visit his dad

I have 3 sons twins of 12 and a 14 yr old.

One of the twins is adamant he does not want to go to his dad's and it is now becoming a major issue, i'm stuck in the middle.

He says the new girlfriends son picks on him, last week his dad slapped him round the face!!

Tonight he ran up the road as he didn't want to get in the car.

Me and the STBX do not communicate at all (his decision)

What should I do, force him to go or let him stay at home.

I don't want to be accused of stopping him going to his dad's.

Often children at this age make rigid moral judgments about new partners and there is no point in forcing the issue if they really don't want to go. However, children learn about adult relationships from parents and if they grow up with a distorted view their ability to make their own relationships in adulthood is effected so it really is in your son's interest to try and resolve the problem, seeking professional help if required.

A tricky one.

I encourage my sons aged 15 and 17 to spend time with their father, though at the moment they have a low opinion of him. But I know if he hit either of them they would just refuse to go and I wouldn't be encouraging them.

When one of my kids were 12 their Dad did something that made her refuse to see him. I allowed her to make the decision initially - because frankly the more you try to make someone to do something at that age the more they dig their heals in and say no - but about 3 months later I began to 'guilt trip' her into relenting. My ex was in the wrong - he had behaved appallingly and selfishly BUT I'd done my reading and knew it was important for her to maintain a relationship with her father, so I 'persuaded her'.

She did start seeing him again and things were very fragile for a few years but just yesterday she said that she ws glad I'd 'bullied' her into seeing him because now at 20 she felt she had an ok relationship with him. Not exactly a father/daughter relationship - if anything she has that with my new partner - but she does have a relationship and is glad about it...

Not easy to do - help her have a relationship with someone you've grown to hate - but important and beneficial in the end...

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm worried about the consequences on me...ie him blaming me and getting his solicitor to write threatening letters.

You or your solicitor on your behalf can write back and say it is your son who does not want contact at the moment and you would like to find a way of working together to resolve the problem, suggesting mediation or family counselling as a way forward.

Similar position for me, its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. As much as I want my son to see his father, my son is digging his heals in and not wanting to.

I've really left it in the hands of my son and asked his father to give him some space, which is working for now.

I did draft in the help of the school nurse and a family support worker for support for both my son and myself.

Time I'm afraid is the best healer in this situation, but its always best to have the back up and relevant support from profesionals so if solicitors do get involved and turn the situation on its head, it looks like you were doing all you can to ease the situation.