Help, advice needed

HI everyone.
First of all can I say thanks to anyone who has given advice to me before. I have posted a few times on here during the past months but I have got to the stage where I just don't know what to think or do anymore. I feel lonely, trapped and worried about my children.

I'm married with 3 young children (2x2 & 5) who are the most important things in my life.

Around this time last year my wife started a 'new life' on facebook unbeknowns to me, received sex messages and that kind of thing, got as far as hotel bookings with other men. I'm fairly convinced she's having a mid-life crisis as she has ditched all her old friends (who I have now 'stolen' apparently) and started going on frequent 'weekend breaks' having cosmetic surgery, tattoos, change of style etc etc. She will happily spend all the money in her account before asking for more, while I pay mortgage, all bills, shopping etc. and work a 40 hour week.

She has a history of serious depression and has been diagnosed with both BPD and Bipolar at different times. She is also an alcoholic who drinks around 1.5 bottles of wine every night. She spends the majority of her time on the internet when she's looking after the kids. Despite all this she is not a 'bad' mother, the kids are very happy and the health visitor has even commented on how well they are doing.

I got us into Relate to see if we could work things out, we managed 2 sessions then lost our appointment, mainly due to her getting drunk or cancelling when we were supposed to be going. Her heart wasn't really in it I suppose. The counsellor suggested she get help for her drinking but she hasn't. From her point of view she says I'm boring (prob true ) and she does not find me attractive any more. Other than that I've not done anything to her, I've always tried to treat her well and have been holding the fort for the last 12 months as she's given up on housework etc.

Anyway to cut a long story short we finally decided to separate a few weeks ago during our holiday in france and we are now trying to sort out what will happen with the kids, house etc.while we are still living in it. I know there's no hope for us as a couple, but I want to try and make things OK for the kids.

Whilst drunk one night on holiday she threatened to kill me if I tried to take the kids away from her, then a few days later said she couldn't cope any more and I should take them. However she is now herself talking about moving away to a different area of the UK and taking the kids with her. Her reasons for doing this seem to revolve primarily around her new 'friends', although she also mentions schools and cheaper housing.

Where we are now our eldest is about to start school in 2 weeks and we have both sets of grandparents locally who are very involved in their lives and very supportive.

She told me tonight that if I didn't pay her enough maintenance to allow her to keep having regular weekends away she would move even further away where housing is cheaper. I have no problem with paying maintenance, I'm just worried that if I give her a more than average amount she will spend it on drink and partying rather than where it should be going.

She also said she's going to start seeing other people as she's now single (even though we are still living in the same house and are still technically married)... not that it really matters now but it hurts like hell.

So my question I suppose is, should I even try to get custody, do I have grounds? Is it worth making the situation even worse on the offchance that I could end up in control? Maybe I should just give in to her demands to make it less traumatic for the children.
I'm trying to put the kids first, I think if they stay near our extended family everything will be OK but if they go further afield they will feel distant from me and I'm worried about her mental stability. Her parents and mine are all concerned about the situation and have expressed it to me.

I have tried talking to her about these issues but as usual it ends up in an argument. She seems to think she's got control over me because she knows how much I love the kids.

Any advice welcome,i think I need to get some sleep now!
sorry for the length of the post it's all just come out that way.

Hello Mate,
Without going through each point in your post,
Let me say first,
Do not, under any circumstances move out of the house.
If you do then your chances of residence of the children may be greatly reduced.

Secondly, I think it's now time to take the gloves off with regards to how you deal with this situation.
It's going to be all about "proof"
Proof of her mental conditions and alchohol dependancy, ie: Medical records.

You should also try to find a way of getting proof of her online "activities", even if it means creating a false account and trying to infiltrate her circle of FB friends.
I know it sounds underhand but you need to think about the welfare and future of your children.

I would do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING possible to get as much proof as I could before going down the court route.
If she starts to make serious plans to move away with the kids get straight down to the family court and make an application for a Prohibited Steps Order.
I wish you the very best of luck.

The courts would look more favourably on your wife's application for custody as she has been the main carer so far but your case doesn't seem quite as simple. Her drinking and lifestyle might not be causing problems yet but they may well do in future and this is the tack you would have to take when arguing for custody.
Young as your children are, you could also argue that moving them away from the area would take them away from their 'social circle' which is their grandparents, you and other friends. For your 5 year old a change of schooling would be disruptive as well. You might not get full custody but you may get shared care.
Go and see a solicitor and document everything that is said or done. Separate your finances from your wife's asap, even though in the same house. You can continue to pay the mortgage and bills wthout financing her social life.

Good luck!

You need to see a solicitor ASAP. The isue of Residence would be decided on waht was considered to be in the childnre's best interess - balance the benefits of being with you - stability, same school, supportive extended family against the down side - change form her to you as primary carer.

It will be very much harder if she actually moves, so if she does start to make serious plans you may need to apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent her from remving the childrne from the current home.

So far as her mental health and drinking are concerend, the issue woul be whether and to what extent these affect her ability to care for the children Are you saying that in that past things have worked beause you have been then to take over when she was ill or drinking?

If you and she are splitting up then who she speaks to on facebook and whether or not that is sexual is irrelevent. She is entitled to a private life and I would very strongly advise against trying to break in to her facebook account or 'infiltrating' it. You could well find that far from hlping your cae, you were siimply providing hr with evidence that you were stalking or harassing her.

Thanks so much. Very helpful advice - sounds like I need to get legal advice asap. I just can't believe the ways things have turned out.

Regarding the alcohol, on New Year's Day she was so hungover that she fell asleep while I thought she was looking after the kids. I'd gone upstairs to get something, when I came back our one year old had climbed up a chair was standing up on top of the dining table unsupervised. When I confronted her about it she tried to hit me so I took the kids out for the day.

She also hit me in front of the kids about 18 months ago because I used some ingredient in a stew that she doesn't like. Then when I took the kids upstairs out of the way she threw loads of my clothes into the yard and poured the stew all over them.

Generally she drinks once I come home and take the kids upstairs at around 6pm to bath them etc. By the time I get back down at about 7.30 she's usually had a few and it's always me who has to get up in the night with the kids if there's any problem as she often passes out on the couch or goes to her room and shuts the door.

I suspect in the long term she will suffer physical health issues (she's had 4 kidney infections so far this year) and more mental health problems, although obviously that is all circumstantial.

This is very sad.
I take it she is on Meds for the BP condition? therefore drinking is a no no. Do you think the BP is under control? Doesn't sound like it.
The spending is a common sign of the "manic phase" plus the sexual behaviour is also typical. Oh dear!
Could you love her again if things were on a more even keel, or is it over?
If, with the right treatment, could your marriage survive?

If it could, then stay away from Lawyers is my advise.They will have you into divorce court and messy child custody at the blink of a few thousand squids.
Far better to meet with your local Mental Health Team and get their opinion.
I am not medically qualified at all but take an interest.

Could she be suffering still or from delayed Post natal Depression? Twins age 2. Ouch!, with all her history, please seek the medical route if you want your marriage to survive.

DaddyO, my name for my lovely dad right into his nineties, I would love to hear how you get on. I'll never work this site properly so please PM me as to the mental health team and what happens.
I really feel that MHT is your starting point and good luck, you sound like a caring man and with the right help may turn it around. X