HELP! What happens if we get back together???

Hi

Have a house owned jointly with ex and a young son together.

we left him 8 months ago due to domestic violence which creapt in towards the final 2 months of the relationship.

We are going through the courts and he has a court order at present but is to be finalised shortly.

We have now got a rented house while he tries to purchase the jointly owned house (not looking hopeful!)

He has finally took help and relaised what he did and made some changes to turn his life around. He misses us and wants us back.

Not niaeve to the fact this is a small step and may not work but want to know what happens in respect of court. I dont want to have gone through all of this and stop now to have to go back later? Also don't want to lie if we give it another go?

We would still live seperately for at least 4 months. What do i do if i decide to make a go of things? do you think court will insist on some involvement with my son because there was previously violenece?

Any thoughts appreciated!

I assume that when you say you have an order you mean a non-molestation order and possible a occupation order?

If you have a non-molestation order and you resume your relationship with your ex you cannot then use the order to get rid of him. I am not so sure about a occupation order but it would be logical to follow the same path in as much as the order would be unenforceable.

I am a cynic about such matters and do not believe that a leopard can change it's spots but it is not unprecedented. If the root cause of the problem is addressed there could be a permanent change but if the root problem is still there or could return you should be very careful.

Hope it works out.

Charles

Hi - thanks for your post.

I didn't get a non molestation etc. The order i mentioned was his access time.

Because i left as the violence was starting i didn't persue it that way although the courts did a inding of facts and found him guilty of the violence he (at that point) denied.

Totally agree with him needing to address the problem - he's starting too. Now realises he was in the wrong and starting to admit it to some close people and understand his own fathers behaviour and the impact it had on him.

Don't know how much he needs to do/ address to stand a chance of breaking the cycle but it break my heart every time my son asks where his daddy is.

Really hope he's heading in the right direction because i wont have my son being the 3rd (or more) generation of violent men.

Any further thoughts gratefully received x

From what I have read about this issue he would need to go to a specialist group for domestic abusers for a considerable period of time - several times a week for nine months plus. I have also read that the better groups of this sort also work with you so that he can't pull the wool over anyone's eyes. Anger management just teaches people to abuse in different ways, and psychotherapy and counselling have a tendency to support the abusive behaviour. That is why Relate won't touch relationships where there is domestic abuse going on.

I would be very very careful about this and expect to live apart for at least a year while he is doing the anti-abuse work.

Best wishes,
Sadie