Contact or lack of

Hi
Just looking for advice regarding my situation. I haven’t seen my kids for nearly 9 months. It is the view of all concerned in my case that the children (7 & 9) are victims of alienation, because of the things the kids are saying about me. We’re waiting for Cafcass to start their in depth investigations.
I would like to hear from others that have had this problem, or anyone with knowledge/experience of how this alienation can be sorted/dealt with if indeed it can.

Cheers Matt

matt2,

Unfortunately the longer there is no contact, the more difficult to re-establish contact and the more difficult the situation becomes for all concerned. My ex was classed as an extreme alienator and unfortunately for our kids and I there was no support from any sector/profession. I do believe that different areas in the UK recognise PAS and there are some helpful threads as well as info in the library here. I wish you well with this as it is a living hell that many parents here are going through.

E

Hi
Just bumping as I'm in a similar position.

Hi My bf is being alientated.

His stbx bad mouths him and tells lies about him infront of the kids, they've told him some and also its been witnessed when family and friends have visited. Kids are 14 & 15 and have been told too much information about the split by stbx (sex life & financial details etc.)to the point that they refuse to respond to his contact and return birthday and christmas gifts and cards. Also all friends and family from his side have been blanked (with weak excuses, not outright eg. No its not convenient for you to come and visit the kids, I have a headache, no sorry we can't come over to visit you one of the kids doesn't feel well, sorry the kids can't talk to you on the phone they're busy/out) All so stbx can say 'its the kids choice' so no-one can accuse her of denying access.

He loves his kids and wants to be a hands on dad, as he was before, but stbx realised that the only way she can hurt him is via the kids (after she tried every other way unsuccessfully!)

It seems many parents are in this situation. Its too common. I've read of people on this site being alienated, but not anyone admitting being an alienator - either no-one on this site does this or if they know that's what they're doing?

I'm amazed that parents can turn kids against the other parent for spite, anger, bitterness, control, whatever. The only reasons contact shouldn't take place is if the children are at risk (and again some alienators make false allegations of this too!) Wonder if the parents doing the alienation ever realise that although yes, they are hurting the other parent, but they are causing more damage to the children!!!!

My bf's hope is that one day when they grow up they'll ask questions.

If this happens they could resent the lies their Mum has told them and be angry at the missed time of having Dad in their lives.

I see other parents that have split able to work things out about parenting their kids and see the kids thriving with love of both Mum & Dad. My bfs kids are denied having their dad there for them, his love, security and time. Who knows what long term damage is caused to the kids.

Such a shame.

Rant over.

WR

WhiteRose wrote:

My bf's hope is that one day when they grow up they'll ask questions.

WR,

I have recently arrived at this stage. I answer the kids (young men now) as honestly as I can without being derogatory about their father. It hurts to see how confused and ashamed they sometimes feel, and whilst I reassure them of my love and understanding, I do express my own pain for the lost years. The truth does out for many regards alienation, but its a living hell waiting on it!

E

Its such a shame that this happens, but I think you may have to wait until your kids are older and ask questions, the lost time can never be got back but hopefully your kids will understand a bit more as they get older and want their Dad in their lives. It must be very difficult for them and you.

My ex has caused me problems but even more shockingly he tracked down me bf's ex on facebook and fed her all sorts of lies which has lead to my bf not seeing his son. His ex says its because his son chooses not to see him and as he's 12 there is no point in going to court as they will take what the child says into account.

He has been poisoned by his mother and my bf is gutted, he dearly loves his son bit is at the mercy of his bitter ex (encouraged by my ex) - nightmare scenario.

Thanks all

Its amazing how common alienation is, and how destructive to relationships.
It's a very upsetting situation for all concerned mainly for the kids, the emotional turmoil is indescribable.
Cafcass are involved and are working with the kids to bring about a 're-introduction' so hopefully with their help I may be able to build a future relationship with them.

Will keep you posted on progress.

Cheers Matt