Dealing with Adult Step Children

I agree that trying to discuss this directly with your step children is an Absolute no-no (unless they specifically ask your advice)

It is reasonable for you to speak to your partner - agree with him what it is reasonable for him to contribute towards your joint expenses.

That is, I think, where your direct involvement ends - if he then choses to support his childnre at the expense of his own finacial wellbeing ultimately that is his choice.

However, it may be worth discussing the future with him - does he have a clear idea about how long, and for what purpose, he intends to contiinue to support his children? Will he be able to afford to help the younger ones with university fees etc if he is still supporting the elder ones? Offer him support and help - for instance, while I am giobsmacked at the amount of suppot he uis currently providing, I think it would be unreasonable to remove it over night - dicuss with him settign a budget to phase the reduction in support - perhaps making it clear to the kifdsthat he will fund them at curretn levels to the end of the current academic year, and wil then pay a deposit for a shared house and a fixed allowance after that.

It would also be appropraiet for him to sit down with each of them to dicuss their plans - if they keep failingm for instance, why is this? have they had illness or are they simply on the wrong course? Would they be happier doing something else?

He may neeed to make clear to them that he cannot afford to continue to fund their lifestyles - are the children aware of his finacial position? Not in detail, but in terms of - once he has paid maintenance, support and his share of the bills, what is his disposable income? is it more or less than what he is giving each of them? If less, then explaining that to them may be a way that allows him to reduce the funds without them feeling he is being unfair or unreasonable.

Once he has explained to them what he is going to do (and my view is that he should be telling them, not negotiating with them, albeit he can listen to their views) he ir you can then offer to help with advice on budgeting.

It may also be worth while you sitting down, fiorst, with your partner - and possibly a finacial advisot, to discuss with him hios finacial position and what he needs to be doing to manage his own finaces, reitement planning etc - it may focus his mind, and also allows him to say to the kids - "My accountat has told me I can't afford this" which again may be helpful in letting them see that this is about financial realities, niot about him rejecting them!

If they are at university then £6K a year living expenses (rent etc) isn't an unrealistic amount, if he can afford it, that they can then top up with working themselves, student loans etc.

Difficult conversations may have to be had about retaking years though.

He has to tighten the purse strings if that is required: they are his to tighten, and his children. Their attitude to money and upbringing are not your issue. At the end of the day if he would rather pay for them than confront them, there is nothing you can do about that, other than consider if you want this in your life.

Thanks everyone for the good advice. I had a really good talk with my partner last night and have agreed that on Sunday we will go over and talk it through with them. He will do all the talking. I suggested that he goes on his own but he wants me to go with him, in fact he suggested that I do the talking, he'd be more than happy with that. I told him that it has to come from him but I'll chip in and offer to help with budgetting if they want it. I think it will be hard for them as they've done nothing wrong and think it's normal to live like that. We got the latest phone bill today for the house phone. It's £188 for a month and includes very long calls to mobile phones and international calls. They don't seem to have any idea. Fingers crossed it will go well but if I'm cast as the wicked witch then so be it. This has to be done for him to have any kind if retirement.

at the end of the day they arent CHILDREN are they?

maybe they just believe that their father does in fact HAVE an endless supply of money and when it is there in front of them that that is not the case they will have some sort of empathy for the situation and want to help.
i do think its good to go in with the tactic of helping them with budgeting, you run your own house and are in a better postion to do that than anyone really so hopefully they take it as a postive.
but i would not reccommend doing the talking.
just helpign with the sorting out afterwards.
there are plenty of options for them to take out student finance etc; given their ages and even if this is means tested (as it probably would be given their ages) then i think its a good move for him to reduce the flow of cash gradually to help them get used to sorting themselves out
the fact the bills ar still coming to you means they probably have no idea.

i really pride myself on the fact i have been financially independent from my parents since i was 16, I can budget, i have a pension fund, isas, no real debt to speak of and can handle budgeting well no matter what my income. its a nice feeling to be in control of my own life, altho i did get a bit cross with my parents now and again when i was younger i thank them tenfold now.

I agree totally with what eyes on the horizon has said. I just wanted to add that I really do think it's time these 'kids' (cos they're not, are they), faced up to facts that they really should be doing something to try and help support themselves. Whilst I understand wholeheartedly how much your husband wishes to help them, it's not right that it's to his financial detriment. I mean, £188 per month on phone calls? That's ridiculous, and as you say, they clearly have absolutely no idea about money. I also think that it's all very well sitting them down and talking to them about budgeting, but they're not going to take on board something they've never had to are they? It really wouldn't hurt any of them to go and get little part time jobs, at least so they can support their social activities and phone usage themselves.

Okay, no-one wants their child to run up the huge debts that students at uni so often do, but there needs to be a happy medium here. They certainly shouldn't be relying totally on your husband to pay their way for them, when they don't even contribute themselves.

I know it's hard, really, but like I said before, tough love is needed, for their benefit as much as anything else.

Well the way I would do it is to look very closely at where the money is going in the first place.

Get them to keep receipts and details of expenditure for a month including cash withdrawals etc.

Categorise each item of expenditure and them look to see where cuts could be made without impacting too hugely at first. I feel they are less likely to want to budget if their lifestyle will have to change too much at first. Part time jobs are probably a good idea but something like a meter to see how much phone calls cost or one of the gadgety things that tells you how much electricity is being used at any one time would probably help. Alternatively get rid of the phone altogether!

Think about diets - firstly you have to want to lose weight, secondly you have to fit it into your current lifestyle. Going straight into fasting after eating 3 square meals a day will not work without a huge amount of discomfort and willpower!

This isn't about the kids. It's about your partner's inability to take responsibility for renegotiating the changes that go with time and necessity. I imagine your level of respect for your partner has taken a nosedive, particularly as he can only bankroll them by taking advantage of your financial stability.

And he wants you to do all the talking??? Dear me....

You may well have to draw a line in the sand, because it doesn't sound like anyone else in this situation can. At least charge your partner some rent (you can do this tax free up to about £80 per week), so you won't resent him so much.

I worked my way through university and my parents didn't give me anything like the equivalent of £500 per month. You and your partner need to decide what is reasonable and stick to it.