Dealing with Adult Step Children

This is my first post. My partner has six children, three of them are adults (24, 22, 20) that he rents a house for and the younger ones (16, 14, 12) live with their mother. The younger ones aren't a problem as he pays maintenance for them and that was all sorted out a couple of years ago.

The problem is the older ones. They are lovely personable young adults but they have no concept of money or how to achieve anything. My partner got divorced a couple of years ago when his ex-wife met someone else. It was very acrimonious and they don't even speak now. Before the divorce they clearly all had a very comfortable life as his business was doing very well. The children seemed to get everything they asked for. They didn't ever have Saturday jobs and all their driving lessons were paid for and they had cars bought for them. They still don't have jobs and keep retaking years at University and expect him to pay for everything. At this rate they will still be students when they are thirty. His business suffered badly when he got divorced and he earns a fraction of what he used to. That isn't a problem for me as I don't expect him to kill himself working for a lifestyle that will send him into an early grave as long as we have a reasonable life. Also I work and have my pensions sorted out so I'm not looking for him to provide for me. My issue is that he has effectively been wiped out by the divorce and seems unable to stand up to his adult children and tell them to take responsibility for themselves. I don't want to wade in and do it for him but I think I might have to as they see their Dad as a money tree and he'll end up with nothing at this rate. He is 50 and I am 47 and he lives with me in my house. I pay all the bills and he pays for shopping and going out for dinner. I have no children. Any advise on how to deal with this would be appreciated. I do want to be with him but don't want to be taken for a mug.

it has to come from him.

if it doesnt you are setting yourself up for a massive fallout with this children and you do not want to get involved in that. could lead to his kids cutting him off and blaming you.

so stand up to him and tell him that if he doesnt sort something out then he is going to have to find a second job to contribute to the household financially rather than supporting his adult children.

they are adults, they will understand the concept of no more daddy warbucks but they might not like it.
if it was me i would march them to the cashpoint, do a balance enquiry and tell them that is a clock counting down to zero so they better sort themselves out.

I agree. I think that you should not get involved other than to talk to your partner about it.

I was an adult stepchild. If there had been any hint that the other person was trying to interfere in things that were between my father and myself I would have been extremely upset.

Even if your partner does stand up to them there is likely to be some fallout because they are likely to blame your influence rather than your partner acting on his own. Perhaps he could take a graduated approach and reduce expenditure a bit at a time whilst making clear they should take on the responsibility.

I think it's going to be very hard for any of them to accept advice from you, purely because you are new into their lives. However, that doesn't alter the fact that the adult children need to learn how to stand on their own feet. As the mother of a 21 year old son, I know how hard it is to say 'no', and since he moved out of home (very amicably) last year, his father and I (we are separated) have helped him out considerably. But, the time has come when that must stop, and he has been told and has accepted it. Of course I would never say I won't ever help him again, just not to the extent that we have been.

But, that's me. I wonder if the mother helps their kids out as much too? Perhaps it doesn't matter if she does, it's the impact that it has on your husband financially that is the issue here.

I do think you need to talk to your husband about this, but he needs to talk to his kids and tell them that his financial support cannot continue. It sounds to me like they have been rather spoilt during their earlier lives, and that hasn't done them any favours. But, they cannot rely on the 'bank of mum and dad' forever can they? About time they got out and got jobs!!

Thanks for the replies they are very helpful. I don't want to get involved really but I think his children will bleed him dry. I think that him and his ex-wife didn't manage money very well at all. He worked all the hours to keep the money coming in and she just spent it giving the children whatever they wanted. From what I understand she didn't spend a great deal on herself, it's almost as if the children ruled their parents and they were both scared of ever saying no. They had lots of loans, credit cards and accounts with lots of shops with huge balances just paying the minimum each month. I think they were able to carry on like that when they were together but it's all fallen apart since then as he took the break up badly and the business all but collapsed. She seems to have taken up with someone who earns very little (we haven't met him) so we think she gives nothing to the adult children but we don't know for sure. We've talked about giving them an allowance of about £500 each a month, which I think is very generous, but two of them want their own rented flats and think it's beneath them to share a house with other students. The eldest is the best and has agreed he will share a house with friends which he is really looking forward to.

£500 a month EACH!!! Crikey. Surely that would just be pandering to them and making the situation even worse? Your husband needs to put his foot down now, otherwise he's never going to be free from the financial burden that these 'adults' are placing on him. Then it'll be the turn of the 3 younger ones!!

Without doubt they have been spoilt, and allowed to get away with far too much. Seriously, he needs to put his foot down and back away from them. Once they realise daddy isn't going to be providing for them they'll soon learn what they have to do. Tough love is needed here I'm afraid.

This is up to your partner, but unless he wants to bankroll them forever, the sooner they learn to be financially responsible the better.

You need to decide if you want to live with a man who can't say no.

There are part-time jobs, benefits, allowances and all sorts that these young people can investigate.

By all means offer to help show them how to draw up a budget, but I'd let your partner sort this out if he can.